Dating Successfully
How to Make Your Relationship Work on Many Levels
January 10, 2012 | 
Author In my psychotherapy practice recently, I have worked with a number of clients on issues of how to strengthen their relationships with a partner. In my experience and observation over 20 years of doing couples therapy, and individual therapy with clients who are working on relationship issues, I think managing a relationship comes down to four different domains to evaluate: Emotional, Physical, Domestic, and a category I call “Managing the ‘Other’”.
Managing the Emotional component is to what degree your relationship, and the actions of your partner, meet your needs emotionally. The need for companionship, to feel understood, to feel supported, to feel loved, to be respected, and even to be entertained or delighted. It’s understanding to what degree your relationship helps you to feel fulfilled in regard to your emotional well-being, day-to-day.
The Physical component is all about how you relate to a partner physically — which can mean sexually, of course, but also how you share your physical environment and how you relate to one another in “casual affection.” I have noticed that the classic “healthy, happy, solid” couples I have worked with (on things other than the quality of their relationship, such as overcoming a trauma) usually demonstrate quite a bit of casual affection with one another. They hold hands, they generally orient their body language to one another, they cuddle up while watching TV, they kiss goodbye each morning and hello each evening, they cuddle up in bed, etc. Casual physical affection helps foster intimacy. This can also help keep the sexual fires alive — and while sexual frequency can vary widely (MANY couples, if not most, that I see, cite infrequency of sex as a common complaint — this is true for gay and straight couples). Evaluating the physical component also involves to what degree you are having the frequency and type of sex you want, and to what degree these meet your individual sexual needs and interests. Troubleshooting this can often be a focus of couples therapy, and is usually a complex combination of physical, medical, and emotional/psychological issues.
The Domestic component is more subtle. I have worked with a number of people where the Emotional and even the Physical sides of their relationship are actually quite sound, but how they manage their household in All Things Domestic really needs some work. How do the two of you manage household chores, for example? How is money earned, budgeted, and spent in your house? What is the quality of the space that you share? How do you handle differences in decor taste, level of neatness/cleanliness, and management of the “stuff” that accumulates over time?
The last component, “Managing the ‘Other’”, is often a source of conflict in couples. Would it be OK for your partner/spouse to have lunch with an ex? How do you handle it if one of your mothers is intrusive, such as how the wonderful Doris Roberts played buttinsky TV mother “Marie” on “Everybody Loves Raymond”? Or how Agnes Moorehead played “Endora” on “Bewitched”? What do you do if one of your fathers or mothers is holding your relationship hostage in some way with money issues? Is there a friend, sibling, niece, nephew, or other relative who lives with you, or is somehow intrusive into your relationship because of borrowing money, being an addict, or being in trouble legally? How do you handle it, as a couple, when you’re out in public and someone flirts inappropriately with either you or your spouse/partner? How do you balance your free time between your spouse/partner, and friends you might spend time with alone? All of these questions can have different answers that will work to resolve the problem, but they are such common scenarios (OK, maybe not the “Endora” example) that I think a couple needs to be prepared, through communication and discussion, about how others “impacting” the relationship will be handled. Both partners need to keep in mind that their primary commitment needs to be to each other. “Cut the apron strings” is a term that comes to mind when a person needs to stop demonstrating their primary loyalty to their mother (or father) and establish a solid home of their own as an adult with a partner/spouse instead (the one huge exception to this is in cases of couples facing domestic violence/abuse).
Like most relationship issues, the biggest key to solving problems is communicating about them. Discuss the issue keeping in mind your commitment (and your partner’s) to the relationship. Be able to discuss the challenges and brainstorm, creatively, with your partner, some potential solutions in behavioral terms that you both can live with and sustain over time. I call much of this process the “Three C’s”: Commitment, Communication, and Compromise. I think also the “Two R’s”: Respect and Regard, come into play as well. Couples therapy can help you strengthen where you and your partner are the least adept in the Three C’s or Two R’s, and these often require a third-party observer to help you identify where the gaps are.
Think about your own approach to the Emotional, Physical, Domestic, and Managing the Other in your relationship, or the relationship you would like to have. With these building-blocks solid, you are on your way to having the kind of relationship that is extremely rewarding.
If you would like help with any of these concepts, please let me know. Email me at Ken@GayTherapyLA.com, or call 310-726-4357, for either more information on my services or to schedule an appointment.
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November 12, 2011: Build Your Confidence
One of the most common themes I see in my office doing counseling, psychotherapy, and coaching with gay male individuals and gay couples is that of low self-esteem and low self-confidence. It’s not surprising; as little gay boys, we get exposed to anti-gay messages outright, or at least to the “invisibility” that comes with the dominant heterosexist paradigm of society (the erroneous belief, according to gay psychologist Gregory Herek, Ph.D., that everyone either IS, or SHOULD BE heterosexual). One of the biggest problems that comes with the tyranny of the majority of heterosexual privilege is that it functions to undermine the self-esteem of all LGBT people (but I focus on gay men here) from a young age.
The adult manifestations of the internalized homophobia and negative messages from society, media, parents, siblings, teachers, coaches, etc. include a general “not feeling good” about yourself, not achieving the career you want, not getting a boyfriend/partner/spouse, not being paid enough at work, not having a safe/comfortable home, not driving a reliable car, not taking care of your health, not mitigating risks at all (unsafe sex, too much alcohol, gambling, etc.), and all the while believing on some level that we, as gay boys, somehow “deserve” to have a life that is “less than” our heterosexual brethren. Baloney.
The little ways it manifests include not being comfortable to ask a guy on a date, not feeling comfortable to go to a party or networking event, avoiding buying a stylish outfit (that you can afford) because you’re afraid you won’t look good in it, and not asking for what we need for many ways.
What do we DO about it? A lot! I could give the flip answer of “go into counseling”, and while that is important and valuable (even if I do say so myself), not everyone is ready for that. So, here are some quick tips, to tide you over until we can really get to work:
1) Understand that you didn’t create the negative messages in your head, you’re only repeating them. Babies aren’t born self-critical; kids (and adults) only get that way because somehow they are hearing they aren’t “good enough” for some reason, and it’s usually a stupid reason (like homophobia, bigotry, or some form of “exclusion” or “elitism”). Understand that while the messages got “in”, it’s up to you make sure they “get out.” If a belief about yourself doesn’t serve you in your adult life, personally or professionally, change it. Louise Hay’s affirmation (famous in her book, You Can Heal Your Life, HayHouse.com), “I love and approve of myself just as I am,” is a classic. Repeat this until you believe it, even it’s 1,000 times a day at first.
2) Begin to notice how often your mind’s “voice” tells you a negative message like “I can’t do that” or, “He’d never like me.” When you catch yourself sending yourself a negative message, stop it, freeze-frame it, and then re-write it: “I have never done that before, but I will try my best now.” Or, “He’s a handsome guy, and wouldn’t it be great if he agreed to date me. If not, there are other fish in the sea and it’s his loss.” You see the difference? To build your confidence, your job is to play “copy editor” with the negative messages in your head until every one of them has been re-written to something positive, or at least something neutral.
3. Apply critical thinking to the negative messages that you carry around in your head about you. Who first told you that? Do you respect their opinion? (In the case of parents who told us the negative message, it’s only human nature to want to believe what they said when we are young children, but sometimes we are older now than they were when they said it). But what if we take that person, and understand that maybe instead of being the authority on everything, they had their own weaknesses, jealousies, insecurities, neuroses, projections, and untamed aggressions that clouded their judgment of you? Then the message loses a little of its sting. If a madman walks up to you on the sidewalk and says, “I’m Julius Caesar, and I declare you the scourge of my empire; you should die by the nearest sword!”, you would be a little scared, but mostly you’d think he was ridiculous because you know he’s suffering from an untreated mental illness and his statement can’t be taken at face value. However, if your cherished mentor in your writing group says that Act II of your script needs a re-write because you didn’t appropriately emphasize the main character, you might take their advice more seriously and do the re-write. In each of these two cases, you are exercising judgment on when to believe someone’s opinions of you, and when not to. This is what makes you an empowered adult, with the critical thinking skills that children lack. Never believe a negative statement about yourself from someone who has hateful, elitist, aggressive, ignorant, discriminatory, superficial, and self-indulgent values you don’t respect.
4. To build your confidence for achieving things, believe in not “if” something is possible, but under what circumstances or HOW it would be possible. It’s not about thinking, “The CEO of my company would never want to talk to little old me about advancing my career”; it’s, “How can I ask the CEO’s assistant for a 15-minute slot on his calendar to ask him about how he built his career out of the mailroom?”
5. Don’t be afraid to use silly mind-trick encouragements. If you have to use the story of, “The Little Engine That Could” (“I think I can, I think I can”) then for heaven’s sake, use it! It might be the difference between having the confidence to ask your boss for a raise (that’s another blog article entirely) and getting by with the same salary you had last year. Or, pretend that you are someone you know who has confidence and poise, and “play the part.” People in AA will often say that acting “as if” something is true, helps you to manifest it actually happening – fake it till you make it.
6. Get impatient. One of the best ways to move past a lack of confidence is to simply declare to yourself that there just isn’t TIME for this nonsense. There are projects to be accomplished. There are people to see. There are places to go. There are dates to have. There is sex to be had. There are games to be won. There is LIFE to be lived. Even if you live to be 100, there isn’t time for self-doubt; there is only time for doing. Because living your life with confidence is what your life is there for. It’s what you are here to do.
Give these ideas a try. And if you need more support for your specific situation, consider reading my book, Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!, available at LuLu.com (hardcover or paperback), or on Amazon.com (hardcover and e-book). Or, let’s work on it together, in either in-person sessions in my office, or over the phone (310) 726-4357.
It’s never too late to be what you might have been.
Relationship Compatibility: The Six Lights Theory
In my private practice as a psychotherapist, I work frequently with gay couples seeking conjoint therapy to address a variety of challenges in their relationships. Over 16 years of practice, I have come to notice certain consistent patterns in what drives conflict between either long-term couples, or couples who recently met each other and who are trying to establish a relationship. Often, the struggles in a relationship are due to something going on in how we think about the other person mentally, feel about them romantically, or respond to them sexually. I call it “The Six Lights Theory.”
It goes like this: For a relationship to be working optimally, it is as if the two partners of a relationship have three little “status lights” on their bodies that light up, kind of like a computer modem. We have one of these lights on our head (indicating how we are responding to our partner rationally, and if they stimulate us mentally); one more at our heart (indicating how we are responding to our partner emotionally and romantically, such as being in love); and one more at our crotch (indicating how we are responding to our partner with sexual feelings). The brighter the lights in each area, the more robust our response. However, whenever one of these status lights is dim or burned out, there is a problem in the relationship. For a relationship to thrive at any given time, all six lights – his three, your three — need to be shining bright.
Brian and Victor came to see me due to complaints that they hadn’t sex in a long time, and both of them were starting to seek sex outside the relationship. In the course of couples therapy, it became clear that while their “head lights” were still bright – in that both of them still enjoyed each other’s company, stimulated each other intellectually, and had great talks – and their “heart lights” were both on – in that they still considered themselves in love and committed to keeping their home together – Brian’s “crotch light” in his sexual feelings for Victor had dimmed a bit, and Victor’s “crotch light” had dimmed to almost being off for Brian. Upon exploration, it was revealed that Victor had lost some sexual interest in Brian because his body had changed over the years they were together. Brian had slowly gained a lot of weight due to a new job that had kept him at a desk long hours. His frame that was once lean and muscular that first attracted Victor was lost to a sedentary lifestyle and too much fast food. Brian’s doctor had recommended a few changes in his routines that could have addressed this, but Brian ignored this advice. Victor was embarrassed to come right out and say why he was avoiding sex with Brian, but since they had committed to be monogamous, eventually he had to be frank with Brian that Brian’s weight gain bothered him. He committed to having sex with only Brian; he did not commit to celibacy. Finally, Victor had to explain the reason for the infrequent sex. Once Brian heard this, he embarked on a simple diet and exercise plan out of consideration not only for Victor, but for his own health, too. After some couples therapy focused on sexuality, sex resumed soon after between Victor and Brian, and the lights were burning bright again.
Another client’s situation involved Christopher’s attempts at dating. The latest was with Chad, whom he met online and they went to meet for coffee. During the coffee-date, Christopher was fascinated with Chad’s sculpted body and movie-star jawline. He found Chad funny and charming. But he also found Chad to be, in Christopher’s words, “dumb as rocks.” Chad made grammatical errors in his speech, didn’t know anything about current events, and made strong statements of opinion based on things that Christopher knew to be factually false. In this case, Christopher’s crotch light and heart light were burning bright, but the head light was just not happening. Christopher left it at one coffee date – plus a one-night stand – but the relationship never really took off.
Jack went on a dinner date with Joe and found him to be intellectually stimulating – fascinating him with stories of his work as a journalist. Jack found Joe kind of sexy, too. It continued like this for several dates, where Jack was both fascinated and somewhat attracted to Joe, too. But it stayed this way for a number of weeks of dating, and finally Jack realized that he had no particular feelings for Joe. He admired his intellect, he admired his white teeth and shiny hair and sexy dimple in his chin, but he wasn’t developing any particular feelings for Joe romantically. For Jack, the crotch and head lights were on, but the heart light was dim. He realized soon after that all three lights actually were burning bright every time he talked to Mark, a guy who worked one floor below Jack in his office building. He couldn’t wait to use the elevator in the morning, hoping he would run into Mark “accidentally.” Finally, on their first lunch date, Jack sensed those three lights were on for Mark, too. Jack later partnered with Mark, and his “head light” for Mark started to flicker just a little bit when Mark wanted to paint the living room a hideous shade of green. (Yes, sometimes the lights can flicker a bit!)
What’s your situation? When you think of the relationship you’re in, or might be entering with a new partner, what’s happening with your three lights? What do you believe is happening with your partner’s lights? If your relationship is having trouble, which of the six lights are dim or burned out? Knowing this might help you identify the problem, and create treatment goals for a working agenda to bring into couples therapy. As the saying goes, identifying a problem is the first step toward fixing it.
Tags: Breaking the Ice: Gay Men’s Conversational Skills and How to Use Counseling to Overcome Shyness
As a psychotherapist in private practice focusing on gay men, I love the diversity I see in my work. No two clients are alike, except for one issue that I see frequently – which is social anxiety. One of the biggest misconceptions that I’ve learned in my work hearing people’s fears and concerns behind closed doors is that people with social anxiety think they are the only ones who have it, like they are the only ones who are terrified of parties and public gatherings because they don’t know what to say, or they are afraid of negative evaluation. The truth is, we all have this to some degree, so relax – we’re all in the same boat. These days, gay men often meet on Internet web sites – which can help break the ice with public profile information – but there are still plenty of situations where we must meet guys in person in bars, clubs, and parties. So how do you break the ice there? Here are some notable success tips for how to meet that special guy in a public setting:
1. Be aware of your mind’s self-talk – Self-talk is the little silent monologue that runs in the back of our head throughout the day. In cognitive therapy, it is the place in the mind where the real work is. If your self-talk is negative, such as “Dang; he’s cute; he won’t want to talk to little old me,” then you’re probably right. But you can change that thought to, “OK, he’s hot, but I’m not afraid to talk to him and ask him out. He’s only human. All he can say is no, and he might say yes. I’m going for it.” You can see the difference changing that thought might make to your body language, posture, facial expression, and voice. You’ll make a better first impression with a positive mind-set. Even if your efforts are unsuccessful, and the guy throws you shade, that says something about him and his insecurities in being rude, not about you. Stay positive and move on to someone else.
2. Make him feel interesting – If you do meet someone you like, or want to make a good impression on anyone, make them feel like they are the most fascinating person on the planet. Keep good eye contact; don’t let your eyes wander. Ask him how he spends his time, and what activities he enjoys. Even if you have to pretend a little, act as if tax accounting (or whatever he says) is the most fascinating profession you’ve ever heard of.
3. Ask open ended questions – Don’t ask questions that have a “yes” or “no” answer, like, “You live around here?” or “Having a good time?”. Ask open-ended questions that ask him to comment on something descriptively, such as, “I just moved to Hollywood; Where do you live?”, or, “How do you like this DJ?
Sometimes getting a grip on social anxiety sometimes means de-constructing and understanding how even casual social interchanges work. If you really notice, all conversations have a beginning, middle, and end, kind of like writing a term paper. The beginning is about breaking the ice, which is making that transition from strangers who aren’t talking, to acquaintances who are. Tips for breaking the ice include:
- “Hi, my name is ______. What’s yours?”
- “Cool haircut. Where do you go to get it?”
- “Great car. How do you like driving a ________?”
- “Hi. I noticed you earlier and wanted to say hi. I’m _______.”
- “Fun crowd tonight. What’s going on?”
The middle of a conversation can be trickier. One tip is to ask questions in sequence that give you a little bit more information each time you converse, picking up on something to follow up on in the last sentence the person said, like this:You: Whereabouts do you live?
Him: Not far. Over in Hollywood near Highland.
You: Nice area. How do you like the changes over there?
Him: They’re good. Lots of new stores in the area.
You: Which ones do you like?
Him: I like shopping at Hollywood and Highland. Cool clothes there. Which ones do you like?.
You: I like the new American Apparel. I found a lot of stuff there. Where is your shirt from? It’s nice.
Him: From this little store my friend works at near Hollywood and Fairfax.
(For something to say next, you could follow up on: 1) friends who do interesting work; 2) friends who work in clothing; 3) things about the Hollywood and Fairfax area; or 4) where to get good clothes.)
One of the hardest social skills in conversation is knowing when the conversation is over, and how to end it graciously and move on. You can usually feel it a little, such as when a pause is particularly long and you both feel like you’re running out of things to say. Some ideas for closing the deal are:
- It was great talking to you. I need to go find my buddy again before heading out. Can I call you sometime? I’d love to go out with you if you’d like.
- I would love to chat more, but I have to run to the rest room. I’ll be around for awhile, but in case I miss you, it was great meeting you. Can I see you again sometime?
- I wish I had more time, but I have an early morning with my trainer and have to run. Can I email you?
Note that while you are initiating the goodbye, you’re also asking HIM for his contact information so that YOU have control on whether you contact him again, not just giving your card or phone number to him and then waiting for him to call (which he might lose or forget, even if he likes you.) Or, to move things closer to hooking up, say something like,
- “I’m really glad I met you. What are you doing later? You want to come over for a while?”
For some people, these kinds of social skills come easily, because they have developed a positive self-talk and these skills are second-nature. For others, they are skills that have to be developed and practiced. Role-playing this in the safety of therapy sessions can help you rehearse for real-world situations. When you have mastery of these skills, you can evolve from a quiet wallflower to someone who meets more people and has more fun.
Would you like more information on how to cope with shyness?
Call for more information, or schedule an appointment, at 310-726-4357.
Email me at: Ken@GayTherapyLA.com
For more information about counseling, psychotherapy, and coaching services, click here.
No More 'Cheating' Part II: How to Have an Open Relationship Without Hurt Feelings
Part II: Identifying and Implementing Your Options
In the last issue, I described how in my work as a psychotherapist specializing in gay men and their relationships, very often I see couples expressing a desire to eliminate “cheating” in a relationship by bravely, candidly, and sensitively discussing their options about how and why either or both partners might desire occasional sex outside the relationship, and how this does not have to be unhealthy or damaging to the relationship. Studies of gay male relationships over the years have explained how it is culturally relatively more acceptable in gay male relationships (more so than in any other kind of human relationship) to have a primary partner but allow sexual play with others. Read the rest of this entry »
No More 'Cheating' Part I: How to Have an Open Relationship Without Hurt Feelings
Part I: Starting a Dialogue With Your Partner
Perhaps no word in relationships, including those between gay men, is as inflammatory as “cheating” – the slang to denote one person in a relationship having sex with someone outside of that relationship in a way that too often results in feelings of anger, betrayal, and disappointment in the remaining partner. Yet some would say this dynamic simply borrows from an antiquated Legendary psychotherapist Michael Shernoff, LCSW, who has been an author, professor, and therapist specializing in gay men’s issues in New York City for over 30 years, Read the rest of this entry »
Book: Affirmative Gay Relationships
The book below, Affirmative Gay Relationships, I think really should be called “Affirmative Gay Dating” instead, because it’s largely about how to find a boyfriend, which is one of the topics I hear most often in my work with gay men.
It’s written by a trusted colleague who is also an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). It’s one of the best books I’ve seen about how to date successfully:
How to Have a ‘Magnetic’ Relationship: You’re Neg, He’s Poz – Now What? (Part 2 of 2)
In part I of this article, I described some of the very practical HIV transmission risk management issues involved in sex between HIV negative and positive guys. Other issues that often confront “magnetic” or “serodiscordant” couples include not fully understanding the burden that HIV is to your partner, and being only partially able to sympathize and “relate” with his various fears, frustrations, and symptoms. Read the rest of this entry »
How to Have a ‘Magnetic’ Relationship: You’re Neg, He’s Poz – Now What? (Part 1 of 2)
You’re on your third date with someone who very well could be Mr. Right. You’re impressed that you got him to go to your favorite restaurant when you weren’t sure he would like it. You’re staring across the candle-lit table at those beautiful green eyes of his. He pauses and then takes a deep breath, a little sigh, and says, “So… I guess I should tell you that I’m HIV-positive.” Read the rest of this entry »
Magnetic Relationships
Recently my friends, colleagues and I have debated the idea of “magnetic” or “sero-discordant” romantic relationships, where one partner is HIV-positive and the other is HIV-negative. It seems opinions for and against can be adamant. My predecessor writing this column, Dr. Tony Zimbardi, is also a psychotherapist living with HIV, and he and I are friends and colleagues in Los Angeles. He has written about this topic before, but we disagree on this issue. Read the rest of this entry »