Gay Relationships
Gay Men in Search of a Partner: Avoiding the Pitfalls of ‘Cash, Connections, and C—k’
April 9, 2012 | 
Author In my private practice in counseling and coaching gay men in West Hollywood, my clients who are single often mention a desire to find a permanent partner. This is only natural; most people (male/female/gay/straight) have an urge to find a partner/spouse to share life with, but this is by no means everyone – it’s also OK to be single. But for those who want a partner, the process can be frustrating. I hear complaints of “where are the good men” and “it seems the best guys are taken.” This is not necessarily true. Since I work with gay male couples as well, for over 20 years now, I have come to a few conclusions based on my couples work on what makes a happy relationship – and what doesn’t. This comes from many years of observation of common problems and challenges in a couple, and what common elements strengthen the relationship and help it endure over time.
To that end, I wanted to share a few observations on what a client mentioned to me as “The Three C’s”. Now, I use another version of “The Three C’s” in my work with couples – I call them Commitment, Communication and Compromise. I find that most problems in relationships are related to one of these. But my client was referring to gay men’s dating with a different set of “Three C’s”. He called them the gay men’s dating pitfalls of emphasizing “Cash, Connections, or C—k” (I’ll abbreviate that last one for a certain “professional decorum”, but you know what word I mean – think of another word for rooster).
Let’s take each of those Three C’s at a time. The first one – Cash – means that in dating, it is generally a mistake to put your number-one priority on how much money a guy earns. Sure, even your buddies might joke that they want to find a “rich boyfriend,” and we see lots of examples of this. However, when we think about what sustains a relationship over time, like sharing common interests, spending free time together, and intimacy, how much money the guy has is often irrelevant. While it’s true that a relationship with someone who is chronically unemployed by way of bad habits, or isn’t mature enough to support himself, would be undesirable, it’s not necessary that he be a wealthy man to have a happy relationship. When it comes to cash, make your own by developing your own career. Cultivate your education, skills, networking, and a body of work that speaks for itself. Build your own resume. Create a career that satisfies your ideal vision of your Professional Self (something I help many individual clients do in career coaching sessions). Have your own personal cash flow and your choice of partner be independent, separate variables. This will be very self-empowering for you to be able to choose any partner you want, regardless of having to rely on them for your support (which is dangerous for you if the relationship should ever end, leaving you without your own salary history and professional skill set in the aftermath).
The next “C” is about Connections. Too many gay men choose partners not because of their emotional and sexual attraction, but because of their “connections” to influential people and opportunities – and in Los Angeles, this often means to the entertainment industry, for young Hollywood Hopefuls, but it can also be in other fields. While I encourage my clients to identify and cultivate relationships with people who can be mentors in your chosen profession, including seeking out “informational interviews” with professionals whom you admire, I believe that your career connections and your choice of a domestic partner for a relationship should also be two independent variables. Imagine how you would feel if a person was only paying attention to you – especially romantically – for the job you had, or the status/position you held, or the people you knew who could help that person succeed professionally. You would, naturally, feel resentful and objectified, and want to be validated for yourself as a person, not just what’s written on your business card. Well, the partners that you seek out would feel the same way. Keep your mentors and networking contacts separate from the man you love at home.
The last “C” is, well, the big one: “C—k”. Or maybe it’s not a “big one;” that’s my point. When you’re choosing your mate for theoretically a lifelong relationship, the “size” of your guy should actually be a fairly minor consideration. Far too many gay men who are seeking a lifetime of love and companionship (and, yes, sex) limit their social and sexual contacts to men who are particularly well-endowed. This isn’t everyone – especially tops and even squeamish bottoms – but far too many guys place penis size above all – or at least most – other considerations of a man’s suitability for a relationship. This is a mistake. If you do this, then the novelty of his endowment will eventually wear off and you’ll be left with whatever remains. If the man of your dreams is less endowed than you would like, see if you can compromise on this. There is also the possibility of using larger toys to satisfy you, or negotiating an open relationship just for the purpose of occasional romps with Mr. Big (one couple I worked with did just that, and their problem was solved).
I’ve always said that a gay man’s relationship must work on four levels: Emotionally, Physically, Domestically, and a fourth area that I call “Managing The Other” – which includes not letting exes, other gay men, roommates, intrusive parents, neighbors, or bosses undermine the commitment and quality of your relationship. And, yes, sexual satisfaction is part of making it work physically. But to put an emphasis on size above all other considerations for your potential partner confuses the issue on whether you really want a partner – or just a piece of one.
There are other considerations in gay men’s relationships that need attention. For example, I also help couples and individuals with the issue of addictions in a relationship – whether it’s alcoholism, sex addiction, workaholism, or some other substance/process addiction. But if you avoid over-emphasizing the “Three C’s” as discussed above, your quest to find “Mr. Right” may be enhanced. And if you need additional guidance on how to maximize your chances of finding a suitable mate, consider booking some counseling or coaching sessions. These can be effective in shortening your search by getting to the heart of what’s preventing it from happening for you now.
To book your appointment, call 310-726-4357, or email me at Ken@GayTherapyLA.com. (Phone coaching available for persons outside California)
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Jealousy/Insecurity in Gay Men’s Relationships
Q: What do you suggest to people when they constantly compare themselves to others or don’t feel “good enough”, which leads to a fear of your partner leaving a romantic relationships? Competition seems to be ingrained in the male psyche, gay or straight.
A: Your question is actually fairly complex, because you mention your own feelings of not feeling “good enough”, at the same time worrying about the feelings of your partner leaving, and at the same time as trying to have a relationship in a “community” context. I think these are three different things, and here’s why:
When we don’t feel “good enough”, we’re really questioning our self-esteem. There are lots of reasons why people have shaky self-esteem, but it’s usually “buying into” criticism from our past from critical parents, teachers, coaches, or peers. We have “internalized” their negative evaluations of us, even if they weren’t accurate. In therapy, we work on this, so that we “iron out the wrinkles” in your self-esteem so that you’re more comfortable and confident with yourself.
In terms of your partner’s behavior, I always talk about relationships as having to have Commitment, Communication, and Compromise. That first one — commitment — is about talking with your partner about what you each expect in the relationship — and part of that means doing things that make each other feel secure, and specifically NOT doing things that make each other feel unsafe or insecure. These have to be discussed, and even negotiated, so that one partner does not control the other. You gain trust in your partner when he makes a commitment to honoring your relationship by setting boundaries with others. Maybe you “let him” flirt a little with other guys, but he only has sex with you. Or maybe he’s allowed to play sexually with other guys, but not in your home — or maybe only when he’s out of town (and vice versa). What those boundaries are is going to differ based on the couple and what their comfort-levels are with different activities.
Finally, having a relationship means making it work Emotionally, Physically, Domestically, and a fourth domain that I call “Managing The ‘Other’” — which means managing how other people might intrude on your relationship, whether that’s obnoxious drunk twinks who aggressively flirt with one or the other of you at a bar or party, someone not respecting the boundaries and rules of your relationship (this can be true even in open relationships), or an intrusive boss, sibling, parent, roommate, or neighbor who interrupts the peaceful conduct of your relationship. Couples must help each other set limits and boundaries with others who intrude on the relationship and demand your time, money, or attention — to the detriment of the relationship.
So this is about “settling in” to your relationship, and while not taking it for granted, it’s also about having enough feelings of safety that no one has “one foot out the door” to leave the other. There will always be other people who are better-looking, richer, funnier, more active, younger, more accomplished, etc. than our partners — but if we didn’t have a sense of commitment, we would all be running around with different partners every 10 seconds. It could be that the commitment and safety aspects of your relationship need work, and I can help you plan this in therapy.
For more information on how to see me, or work with me on the phone, see www.GayTherapyLA.com, or call 310-726-4357.
To ask questions or submit comments about this article, or to suggest topics for future newsletters, please email me at Ken@GayTherapyLA.com
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How to Make Your Relationship Work on Many Levels
In my psychotherapy practice recently, I have worked with a number of clients on issues of how to strengthen their relationships with a partner. In my experience and observation over 20 years of doing couples therapy, and individual therapy with clients who are working on relationship issues, I think managing a relationship comes down to four different domains to evaluate: Emotional, Physical, Domestic, and a category I call “Managing the ‘Other’”.
Managing the Emotional component is to what degree your relationship, and the actions of your partner, meet your needs emotionally. The need for companionship, to feel understood, to feel supported, to feel loved, to be respected, and even to be entertained or delighted. It’s understanding to what degree your relationship helps you to feel fulfilled in regard to your emotional well-being, day-to-day.
The Physical component is all about how you relate to a partner physically — which can mean sexually, of course, but also how you share your physical environment and how you relate to one another in “casual affection.” I have noticed that the classic “healthy, happy, solid” couples I have worked with (on things other than the quality of their relationship, such as overcoming a trauma) usually demonstrate quite a bit of casual affection with one another. They hold hands, they generally orient their body language to one another, they cuddle up while watching TV, they kiss goodbye each morning and hello each evening, they cuddle up in bed, etc. Casual physical affection helps foster intimacy. This can also help keep the sexual fires alive — and while sexual frequency can vary widely (MANY couples, if not most, that I see, cite infrequency of sex as a common complaint — this is true for gay and straight couples). Evaluating the physical component also involves to what degree you are having the frequency and type of sex you want, and to what degree these meet your individual sexual needs and interests. Troubleshooting this can often be a focus of couples therapy, and is usually a complex combination of physical, medical, and emotional/psychological issues.
The Domestic component is more subtle. I have worked with a number of people where the Emotional and even the Physical sides of their relationship are actually quite sound, but how they manage their household in All Things Domestic really needs some work. How do the two of you manage household chores, for example? How is money earned, budgeted, and spent in your house? What is the quality of the space that you share? How do you handle differences in decor taste, level of neatness/cleanliness, and management of the “stuff” that accumulates over time?
The last component, “Managing the ‘Other’”, is often a source of conflict in couples. Would it be OK for your partner/spouse to have lunch with an ex? How do you handle it if one of your mothers is intrusive, such as how the wonderful Doris Roberts played buttinsky TV mother “Marie” on “Everybody Loves Raymond”? Or how Agnes Moorehead played “Endora” on “Bewitched”? What do you do if one of your fathers or mothers is holding your relationship hostage in some way with money issues? Is there a friend, sibling, niece, nephew, or other relative who lives with you, or is somehow intrusive into your relationship because of borrowing money, being an addict, or being in trouble legally? How do you handle it, as a couple, when you’re out in public and someone flirts inappropriately with either you or your spouse/partner? How do you balance your free time between your spouse/partner, and friends you might spend time with alone? All of these questions can have different answers that will work to resolve the problem, but they are such common scenarios (OK, maybe not the “Endora” example) that I think a couple needs to be prepared, through communication and discussion, about how others “impacting” the relationship will be handled. Both partners need to keep in mind that their primary commitment needs to be to each other. “Cut the apron strings” is a term that comes to mind when a person needs to stop demonstrating their primary loyalty to their mother (or father) and establish a solid home of their own as an adult with a partner/spouse instead (the one huge exception to this is in cases of couples facing domestic violence/abuse).
Like most relationship issues, the biggest key to solving problems is communicating about them. Discuss the issue keeping in mind your commitment (and your partner’s) to the relationship. Be able to discuss the challenges and brainstorm, creatively, with your partner, some potential solutions in behavioral terms that you both can live with and sustain over time. I call much of this process the “Three C’s”: Commitment, Communication, and Compromise. I think also the “Two R’s”: Respect and Regard, come into play as well. Couples therapy can help you strengthen where you and your partner are the least adept in the Three C’s or Two R’s, and these often require a third-party observer to help you identify where the gaps are.
Think about your own approach to the Emotional, Physical, Domestic, and Managing the Other in your relationship, or the relationship you would like to have. With these building-blocks solid, you are on your way to having the kind of relationship that is extremely rewarding.
If you would like help with any of these concepts, please let me know. Email me at Ken@GayTherapyLA.com, or call 310-726-4357, for either more information on my services or to schedule an appointment.
Relationship Compatibility: The Six Lights Theory
In my private practice as a psychotherapist, I work frequently with gay couples seeking conjoint therapy to address a variety of challenges in their relationships. Over 16 years of practice, I have come to notice certain consistent patterns in what drives conflict between either long-term couples, or couples who recently met each other and who are trying to establish a relationship. Often, the struggles in a relationship are due to something going on in how we think about the other person mentally, feel about them romantically, or respond to them sexually. I call it “The Six Lights Theory.”
It goes like this: For a relationship to be working optimally, it is as if the two partners of a relationship have three little “status lights” on their bodies that light up, kind of like a computer modem. We have one of these lights on our head (indicating how we are responding to our partner rationally, and if they stimulate us mentally); one more at our heart (indicating how we are responding to our partner emotionally and romantically, such as being in love); and one more at our crotch (indicating how we are responding to our partner with sexual feelings). The brighter the lights in each area, the more robust our response. However, whenever one of these status lights is dim or burned out, there is a problem in the relationship. For a relationship to thrive at any given time, all six lights – his three, your three — need to be shining bright.
Brian and Victor came to see me due to complaints that they hadn’t sex in a long time, and both of them were starting to seek sex outside the relationship. In the course of couples therapy, it became clear that while their “head lights” were still bright – in that both of them still enjoyed each other’s company, stimulated each other intellectually, and had great talks – and their “heart lights” were both on – in that they still considered themselves in love and committed to keeping their home together – Brian’s “crotch light” in his sexual feelings for Victor had dimmed a bit, and Victor’s “crotch light” had dimmed to almost being off for Brian. Upon exploration, it was revealed that Victor had lost some sexual interest in Brian because his body had changed over the years they were together. Brian had slowly gained a lot of weight due to a new job that had kept him at a desk long hours. His frame that was once lean and muscular that first attracted Victor was lost to a sedentary lifestyle and too much fast food. Brian’s doctor had recommended a few changes in his routines that could have addressed this, but Brian ignored this advice. Victor was embarrassed to come right out and say why he was avoiding sex with Brian, but since they had committed to be monogamous, eventually he had to be frank with Brian that Brian’s weight gain bothered him. He committed to having sex with only Brian; he did not commit to celibacy. Finally, Victor had to explain the reason for the infrequent sex. Once Brian heard this, he embarked on a simple diet and exercise plan out of consideration not only for Victor, but for his own health, too. After some couples therapy focused on sexuality, sex resumed soon after between Victor and Brian, and the lights were burning bright again.
Another client’s situation involved Christopher’s attempts at dating. The latest was with Chad, whom he met online and they went to meet for coffee. During the coffee-date, Christopher was fascinated with Chad’s sculpted body and movie-star jawline. He found Chad funny and charming. But he also found Chad to be, in Christopher’s words, “dumb as rocks.” Chad made grammatical errors in his speech, didn’t know anything about current events, and made strong statements of opinion based on things that Christopher knew to be factually false. In this case, Christopher’s crotch light and heart light were burning bright, but the head light was just not happening. Christopher left it at one coffee date – plus a one-night stand – but the relationship never really took off.
Jack went on a dinner date with Joe and found him to be intellectually stimulating – fascinating him with stories of his work as a journalist. Jack found Joe kind of sexy, too. It continued like this for several dates, where Jack was both fascinated and somewhat attracted to Joe, too. But it stayed this way for a number of weeks of dating, and finally Jack realized that he had no particular feelings for Joe. He admired his intellect, he admired his white teeth and shiny hair and sexy dimple in his chin, but he wasn’t developing any particular feelings for Joe romantically. For Jack, the crotch and head lights were on, but the heart light was dim. He realized soon after that all three lights actually were burning bright every time he talked to Mark, a guy who worked one floor below Jack in his office building. He couldn’t wait to use the elevator in the morning, hoping he would run into Mark “accidentally.” Finally, on their first lunch date, Jack sensed those three lights were on for Mark, too. Jack later partnered with Mark, and his “head light” for Mark started to flicker just a little bit when Mark wanted to paint the living room a hideous shade of green. (Yes, sometimes the lights can flicker a bit!)
What’s your situation? When you think of the relationship you’re in, or might be entering with a new partner, what’s happening with your three lights? What do you believe is happening with your partner’s lights? If your relationship is having trouble, which of the six lights are dim or burned out? Knowing this might help you identify the problem, and create treatment goals for a working agenda to bring into couples therapy. As the saying goes, identifying a problem is the first step toward fixing it.
Tags: No More 'Cheating' Part II: How to Have an Open Relationship Without Hurt Feelings
Part II: Identifying and Implementing Your Options
In the last issue, I described how in my work as a psychotherapist specializing in gay men and their relationships, very often I see couples expressing a desire to eliminate “cheating” in a relationship by bravely, candidly, and sensitively discussing their options about how and why either or both partners might desire occasional sex outside the relationship, and how this does not have to be unhealthy or damaging to the relationship. Studies of gay male relationships over the years have explained how it is culturally relatively more acceptable in gay male relationships (more so than in any other kind of human relationship) to have a primary partner but allow sexual play with others. Read the rest of this entry »
No More 'Cheating' Part I: How to Have an Open Relationship Without Hurt Feelings
Part I: Starting a Dialogue With Your Partner
Perhaps no word in relationships, including those between gay men, is as inflammatory as “cheating” – the slang to denote one person in a relationship having sex with someone outside of that relationship in a way that too often results in feelings of anger, betrayal, and disappointment in the remaining partner. Yet some would say this dynamic simply borrows from an antiquated Legendary psychotherapist Michael Shernoff, LCSW, who has been an author, professor, and therapist specializing in gay men’s issues in New York City for over 30 years, Read the rest of this entry »
Improving Communication with Your Relationship Partner: Avoid Making These 5 Common Mistakes!
In my work providing counseling for couples of all kinds (M-W, W-W, M-M), I find that the partners frustrate themselves all too frequently by falling into certain common traps that impair communication. These are some of the ones I see; the “roles” that you want to avoid in order to have productive communication: Read the rest of this entry »
How to Have a ‘Magnetic’ Relationship: You’re Neg, He’s Poz – Now What? (Part 2 of 2)
In part I of this article, I described some of the very practical HIV transmission risk management issues involved in sex between HIV negative and positive guys. Other issues that often confront “magnetic” or “serodiscordant” couples include not fully understanding the burden that HIV is to your partner, and being only partially able to sympathize and “relate” with his various fears, frustrations, and symptoms. Read the rest of this entry »
How to Have a ‘Magnetic’ Relationship: You’re Neg, He’s Poz – Now What? (Part 1 of 2)
You’re on your third date with someone who very well could be Mr. Right. You’re impressed that you got him to go to your favorite restaurant when you weren’t sure he would like it. You’re staring across the candle-lit table at those beautiful green eyes of his. He pauses and then takes a deep breath, a little sigh, and says, “So… I guess I should tell you that I’m HIV-positive.” Read the rest of this entry »
Educated… UB2
Recently I was browsing through online personal ads in various online services for gay men. I was surprised at how often the term “UB2” came up. This is an appreviation for, “You be, too!”, in reference to a negative HIV status. It seems to say, in those succinct three characters, Read the rest of this entry »