Holidays of the Year
Valentine’s Day for Single Gay Men — Coping with Hope
February 14, 2011 | 
Author Valentine’s Day, for all its lovely sentiment, is perhaps one of the most divisive holidays of the year. Everyone can enjoy New Year’s; every American can enjoy President’s Day (thankfully coming up very soon) and Independence Day; we each have a birthday. But Valentine’s Day is a “holiday for lovers”, and many single people can end up feeling left out. When I was younger, I used to darkly refer to Valentine’s Day as like “having a track meet outside a hospital for paraplegics.” It’s a hard holiday for people who are single and want partners (as opposed to those who don’t), because it starkly draws that contrast between having a partner and not in a very public, almost obnoxious way. It’s especially hard for gay men who want partners and feel left out, because as gay men, we grow up for years with SO much feeling of being left out of heterosexual privileges, that Valentine’s Day can be just one more thing on that list.
How, then, do we cope with that, if we are single? I call it “coping with hope” (which is a title that I admit I affectionately “rip off” from the annual HIV mental health conference I used to co-chair with the UCLA/Pacific AIDS Education and Training Center, which referred to coping with the hope that HIV could be eradicated). “Coping with hope” means that a single person on Valentine’s Day is having to cope with the frustration of not having a partner, and the hope of finding one, all at the same time.
Coping with any situation involves understanding a situation as clear-eyed and realistically as possible, with no illusions, denial, or distortions. Coping is also realistically recognizing our strengths and weaknesses. Coping means borrowing from AA’s “serenity prayer” that asks for the “serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In the situation of wanting a partner, dancing deftly among this serenity/courage balance is tricky.
It’s a time to realistically assess why you do not have a partner, when you say you want one. Are you being too picky? Are you emphasizing the wrong things (such as focusing on sex too much, when you’re looking for love?) Are you devoting enough time and energy to being what I call “interested, and interesting” in attracting a partner? Are you unconsciously avoiding relationships because of fear of repeating your parents’ dysfunctional marriage, having to share, or facing responsibility to another? Are you doing a reasonable amount (key word “reasonable”) to be attractive to others? Are you doing something (such as cognitive therapy) about any social anxiety or shyness issues? (That’s a HUGE issue I work with clients on in my practice; I think it’s a rare person who DOESN’T struggle with social anxiety, at least at times, and yet this can delay or kill certain life goals). These are all important questions to ask yourself, but sometimes, it’s just a matter of patience. (I used to use Diana Ross’ song, “You Can’t Hurry Love” as a theme for this. )
The magic of all the stars aligning just right to create partnerships is an alchemy that no one as yet can fully figure out. There are so many variables, and “rules” (such as not sleeping with someone on the first date) were made to be broken (I readily admit that I met my husband in a dance club, and slept with him on the first night (a Sunday, no less) — breaking lots and lots of rules, there — and we’ve been together for 9 years, living together for 7, and married for almost 3. Like I said, rules were made to be broken. But I also remember that I was “putting myself out there”, not so much to find a partner, as to be an active member of the community and see friends in a general gay ”gathering place”, after many years of being single as a gay male adult). While I think finding a partner takes a certain serendipity that can be frustratingly elusive, I also think we can influence the variables by being as vibrant, caring, and active a single person as possible, in our work and play, and as cliche as it sounds, loving ourselves first.
In the meantime, don’t let the intent of Valentine’s Day elude you because you don’t have a partner. There are still relationships to celebrate, with friends, perhaps parents, siblings, nieces/nephews, even children in your life. It’s also about expressing affection — perhaps through the traditional paper Valentine card, and perhaps via an e-card, email, or text. Ask yourself, Who is important to you in your life that you can express affection to on this day that is devoted to expressing affection to loved ones?
If all this is very hard, and you are truly hurting, then perhaps it’s time to get help for that. Having a good Valentine’s Day by this time next year means becoming self-empowered (my favorite word in my psychotherapy/coaching practice) to do it. And coping with the hope that we can achieve many of our life goals, including having a partner, over time. But I think it takes work. Every client I’ve ever seen, in my 18 years of doing psychotherapy with gay men, who has gone from working with me as a single person to having a partner, has had to “stack the deck” in his favor by working on it, in various ways, to increase the odds that a suitable relationship emerges in his life.
If Valentine’s Day is about expressing affection, let me start by expressing my affection for all who take the time to read this. It is my honor and privilege to help people, via my practice, blog, podcast, etc., and I truly value you and appreciate the opportunity to share with you, not only formal skills of counseling, but also my affection for helping out guys in the community. So, no red hearts or cupids — but perhaps just a big thank you and an XOXO to all who need it or want it on this day. 
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January 8, 2011: New Year, New Hip, New Movies ("Black Swan"/"The King's Speech")
Happy New Year!
In the January issue of my e-newsletter, “Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!”, I’ll be discussing how to set your goals for 2011 to feel empowered to make the positive changes in your life that you want to see over the next 12 months. Sign up now on my home page to get on the list. (I’ll also do a podcast version of this on iTunes; see “Have the Life You Want with Ken Howard, LCSW” under Health>Self Help>Ken Howard LCSW).
I’ve been recovering from having the second of two hip replacement surgeries (my left one was done in April, 2008; this is the right one) on December 6. When I’m not in the office seeing clients, I’ve been relaxing seeing some of the recent movies. Favorites include “Black Swan” and “The King’s Speech”.
I’m heartened in that both of these movies do address topics related to mental health, though I’m not sure about the “gay men’s” mental health part. Perhaps just “ballet” and “British royalty” themes are sort of “gay enough”.
In “Black Swan”, Natalie Portman does a beautiful job of portraying a star-but-still-shy ballet prima donna, who apparently has some sort of delusional disorder. Throughout this movie, I was attempting to “diagnose” exactly what was going on with her, because in my 18 years of providing psychotherapy, I’ve never worked with someone quite like this. Delusional disorders, yes, but not this particular blend of paranoia, hallucinations, and dissociative fantasies.
I think what I liked best about it was the sense that dealing with a serious psychotic disorder, especiallly when the patient knows they are in distress, is a very scary thing. I think the movie, while titillating and teasing its audience, also helped to sensitize the public that mental health disorders are real, and that people going through them need as much understanding and compassion as we can give. I think the movie also did a wonderful job of depicting a story about “reality testing” (how often do you hear that?), and plays with the idea of perception. Many times in therapy, we have to discuss what is “real” (particularly in anxiety management, trying to figure out true threats versus worries of tragedies that are very unlikely to occur). Portman’s performance and Darren Aronofsky’s expert direction help to blur the senses and make us question what we see. We can condescendingly pity Portman’s character, Nina Sayers, but who among us hasn’t had times in our lives when we are scared, frustrated, and held back by our own anxiety, if perhaps on a smaller magnitude. Who among us hasn’t struggled with the “white swan” and “black swan” parts of ourselves? Freud would say that’s the function of the Ego, to regulate between the base impulses of the Id, and the inhibiting moralism of the Superego.
Anytime a movie can sensitize us to our common humanity, including the struggles in mental health that we all share, trying to manage our anxieties and reconcile our subjectivity from objective reality, is a good thing.
Same thing with “The King’s Speech”, about the stammering problem that Britain’s King George VI, father to Queen Elizabeth II, had in his childhood and adulthood. The film depicts the relationship of “Bertie”, as Prince Royal Albert Philip Arthur George, aka later King George VI, and his commoner speech therapist, Lionel Logue, who addresses the king as “Bertie” to level the treatment playing field. Although Logue is not a psychotherapist, he makes a good point that Bertie’s stammer has its roots not just in the mechanics of speech, but also in the trauma of being raised by the verbally abusive King George V (Michael Gambon, last seen as Professor Dumbledore in the “Harry Potter” movie series). By helping Bertie come to terms with childhood abuse, he also helps him to literally “find his voice”, which is something I see frequently in my psychotherapy office. The cognitive effect of abuse, in many cases, or even “just” the relentless negative haranguing of hypercritical parents, teachers, coaches, clergy, or peers, will erode a person’s self-esteem and inhibit their confidence, stride, and sense of self — in other words, induce stammer, whether actually vocally, in Bertie’s case, or psychologically, keeping us from vocally claiming our fair stake in the world.
The King/Commoner “bromance” that develops, accompanied by the expert Helena Bonham Carter as the woman who was known at the time as “Queen Elizabeth” and later “Elizabeth, Queen Mother”, is heartwarming not only for showing the (platonic) affection between men, but also in the professional-but-still-loving clinical relationship between practitioner Logue and patient Bertie. This movie, too, like “Black Swan”, helps to sensitize us to mental health issues and their effects on the people who endure them.
I’m hoping that 2011 continues to bring us responsible portrayals of people who are challenged by mental health issues — not in a way like “Psycho” and numerous other movies that teach us to be deathly afraid of anyone who isn’t “normal” mentally, but to evoke intelligent understanding and compassion. Not bloody likely, but one can hope.
Tags: December 3, 2010: Have You Been Naughty or Nice? Reviewing Personal Ethics
I was driving with the radio on the other day, and a holiday ad came on that started with, “Have you been naughty or nice this year?” My first reaction was, “Hmmmmm. Define ‘naughty’.” And then I got to thinking: Just how DO we assess our own personal ethics for the year? Have I been “nice”, adhering to my own brand of personal ethics and integrity, or have I been “naughty”, deviating from the values and behavioral standards that I set for myself? If the whole notion of “Santa’s Elves”, watching us throughout the year and motivating us to be “nice” so that we get desired toys at Christmas, were real, what would they report back to Santa?
I think of personal ethics as being in various “domains” of life, such as our mental health, health, relationships, career, finances, family, community, and spirituality (which are the domains as chapters of my upcoming book, “Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want”.
If I consider all of these domains, I think my overall naughty/nice performance in 2010 varies. I’ve probably been naughty in my finances in not saving enough for retirement (who really does?) and I’ve been nice in health by taking good care of myself through several health challenges.
But let’s look at these, and see if you can assess yourself.
Mental Health – Are you being nice to yourself by taking time to take care of yourself, balance work with home, and access the things that bring you joy? Or are you naughty, by overworking or doing things that create depression, guilt, regret, or frustration? Are you being nice to yourself by getting the help you need (including counseling or coaching), or are you depriving yourself of help and putting it off?
Health – Are you being nice to your body? Do your food, exercise, and other habits constitute being naughty or nice this year? Are you getting the medical exams and tests that you need? Are you avoiding the things that really drag down the quality of your health?
Career – Have you been diligent, productive, and working in good faith? Or have you spent way too much time at the office reading blogs (oops!), surfing the Net, or browsing Ebay? Have you given credit where credit is due? Are you being nice to your assistant or boss? Are you being catty, or staying above the fray of office politics with class and grace?
Relationships – Are you being kind to your partner? Or if you don’t have one, and want one, are you being nice to yourself in making good-faith efforts to find one? Are you being nice to yourself by being just the right amount of “naughty” in sex, but nice enough so that you are taking care of your sexual health? Are you being honest and communicating your feelings in a way that validates both you AND a partner?
Finances – Are you being nice to your long-term fiscal health? Are you being naughty by spending your money in a way that is not compatible with your priorities, values, and goals?
Community – Are you making ANY kind of contribution to your community? Whether geographic, or demographic (gay, HIV, male, etc.). Are you emulating George Bailey in “It’s a Wonderful Life”, and creating a contribution to your community so that they would remember you fondly in some way?
Spirituality – This is the ultimate “naughty or nice”, if you believe in the religions that harp on “sin” and such, but aside from this, are you being nice to yourself in practicing a spirituality (consistently) that means something to you? Or are you being naughty and being a slave to a religion’s beliefs that no longer fit who you are? Sometimes, being “nice” means emulating the inspirations we value from Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed, the Goddess, God, etc., etc.
If YOU were one of Santa’s elves, what kind of “report” would you give back to Santa on yourself?
Jack Canfield’s book that I like so much, “The Success Principles”, devotes an entire chapter to “personal integrity”. This is something that we must all strive to improve, because it is VERY hard to achieve 100 percent personal integrity, 100 percent of the time. But its sentiments support, in more formal terms, the idea that personal ethics ARE important for success in life, and while there may not be real “Santa’s elves” watching us, WE are watching us, and hoping that we like what we see.
If your personal ethics are more “lump of coal” quality than “hunky porn star in your stocking” quality, don’t lose hope. There is a brand-new year coming up that offers the opportunity to turn over a new leaf and re-commit to the kind of personal integrity that works for you and the ones you influence. You have to embrace the concept of “Self-Empowerment” that enables that for various domains of your life (see book plug, above).
Forgive yourself for the parts of your personal ethics that have been naughty this year, but commit to meaningful change. It’s the nice thing to do for yourself
Boo! Scary – Conquering Your Fears
I love Halloween. Maybe it’s because of the theatricality of it, with costumes and props, or maybe it’s because of my addiction to chocolate. Author Peg Aloi, an expert on Pagan holidays, explains that Halloween, or “Samhain” as it is sometimes called (which means “summer’s end”), is observed as a celebration of the last harvest of the year before winter. It is also a time to reflect on and honor those who have passed on before us. The “veil between the worlds” of the living and the dead is said to be at its thinnest on this day, hence its association with séances and ghosts. For me, as a mental health professional, I think one could view the Halloween season in October as a time about confronting our fears – particularly those fears held by people living with HIV/AIDS.
By dressing up in costumes and embracing things scary and ghoulish, making a sugary feast of it all at a time when the days grow shorter and green fields grow brown, we are confronting and even embracing our fears. Fear is like an internal smoke alarm for our minds; it shrieks and screams as a signal to warn us that the house might be on fire, that we’re in danger, that we had better move fast to prevent harm. But sometimes the smoke alarm of fear goes off because we burned the toast and it’s nothing to worry about. Our internal fear trigger doesn’t know the difference; its job is simply to give us that early warning signal; it’s up to us to check it out to see if a threat is real. Our instinct of fear is a much older brain function than our cognitive ability to reason out things. In the evolution of humankind, if we didn’t have a good fear sense as a species, we never would have outrun the saber-toothed tigers. But sometimes our fears hold us back, and keep us from the wonderful things we would have said, done, visited, read, tried, dared, or been.
When faced with a decision that scares us, we can look at what can happen, what we want to happen, and what will likely happen. We can look to our supportive resources, do our homework, and know within reason what the outcome will be. We need to confront our fears with informed reason. If I enter an airplane and a four-year-old child is at the controls, reason tells me to get off the plane. But if I enter that same plane and see a trained, adult crew in uniforms, I can reasonably place my trust that the trip will be safe.
How many of us living with HIV have to confront fears every day? We live with a virus that has been deadly to so many in all the world, yet for many in Western countries with the good fortune of access to expert care, often we can remain stable and healthy indefinitely. October and Halloween are not just about life and death, but about all fears. We might fear illness and death as people with HIV, but what other fears do we face? Are we afraid to enter a relationship because we’ve been hurt in the past? Are we afraid to date because someone might reject us because of our HIV status? To accept a new job because of fear of losing disability benefits? To try medication because we’re not sure what side effects it might have? To have children because of the small chance of perinatal transmission? To speak our minds to our insensitive landlord, boss, doctor, spouse, partner, sibling, parent, teacher, or neighbor because we think we lose our right to stand up for ourselves once we test positive? All of these can provoke paralyzing fears that immobilize people into a stagnant misery, when some of those fears could be managed or eliminated when confronted with a few questions from informed reason. If you’re afraid of something, ask yourself realistically — How likely is it? What about trying it a little bit? Who can support you in this? What do you need to know about this to make a better judgment about you’re afraid of? Who can teach you more? What’s the risk of “not” trying this?
Halloween is a time for putting on masks, embodying our fears, looking them in the eye, and then knowing that when it’s over, we can take those masks off again and be OK. In the words of Danny Elfman and Oingo Boingo’s classic song, “Dead Man’s Party”, “Don’t be afraid; it’s only me; don’t be afraid of what you cannot see.”
KH:c:KH-A&U-Oct02
Managing Holiday Stress
While the holiday season can be a time of great fun and festive celebrations all over town for you and your friends or family, for many gay men it can be a time of increased stress. These holiday stressors can include:
- Not having a partner at a particularly “romantic” time of year
It’s July Fourth – Independence Day: What Do You Want Independence From?
It’s July Fourth – Independence Day: What Do You Want Independence From?
As we celebrate the summer and the Fourth of July — Independence Day — let’s consider the meaning of that word, “independence.” Historically, this means celebrating America’s freedom from the tyrannical rule of a cruel and imbecilic king who over-taxed his hardest-working citizens to enrich the elite and fund wars that aggrandized his ego. (OK, so I guess not much has changed in 230 years). Read the rest of this entry »
Reflections on Labor Day: Have the Work Life You Want with Executive or Vocational Coaching
Labor Day was designed to be a holiday where we take time to celebrate the accomplishments and the sacrifice of the American worker. Recently in my psychotherapy practice, I have begun to offer more and more sessions on executive or vocational coaching, because a rewarding work life as part of a satisfying career is a key component of a person’s mental health. Read the rest of this entry »
Beyond New Year’s Resolutions: Making Real Life Changes
If you’re like most people, by the time February comes, the New Year’s Resolutions you made January 1st are a distant memory. Despite our best-laid plans, it’s hard to make and sustain real changes in our lives, even when we know the changes are necessary or desirable. Living with HIV requires a lot of flexibility and being ready to make changes that will improve our mental or physical health. Read the rest of this entry »
Boo!…Scary
I love Halloween. Maybe it’s because of the theatricality of it, with costumes and props, or maybe it’s because of my addiction to chocolate. Author Peg Aloi, an expert on Pagan holidays, explains that Halloween, or “Samhain” as it is sometimes called (which means “summer’s end”), is observed as a celebration of the last harvest of the year before winter. Read the rest of this entry »