Life in West Hollywood/LA
Valentine’s Day for Single Gay Men — Coping with Hope
February 14, 2011 | 
Author Valentine’s Day, for all its lovely sentiment, is perhaps one of the most divisive holidays of the year. Everyone can enjoy New Year’s; every American can enjoy President’s Day (thankfully coming up very soon) and Independence Day; we each have a birthday. But Valentine’s Day is a “holiday for lovers”, and many single people can end up feeling left out. When I was younger, I used to darkly refer to Valentine’s Day as like “having a track meet outside a hospital for paraplegics.” It’s a hard holiday for people who are single and want partners (as opposed to those who don’t), because it starkly draws that contrast between having a partner and not in a very public, almost obnoxious way. It’s especially hard for gay men who want partners and feel left out, because as gay men, we grow up for years with SO much feeling of being left out of heterosexual privileges, that Valentine’s Day can be just one more thing on that list.
How, then, do we cope with that, if we are single? I call it “coping with hope” (which is a title that I admit I affectionately “rip off” from the annual HIV mental health conference I used to co-chair with the UCLA/Pacific AIDS Education and Training Center, which referred to coping with the hope that HIV could be eradicated). “Coping with hope” means that a single person on Valentine’s Day is having to cope with the frustration of not having a partner, and the hope of finding one, all at the same time.
Coping with any situation involves understanding a situation as clear-eyed and realistically as possible, with no illusions, denial, or distortions. Coping is also realistically recognizing our strengths and weaknesses. Coping means borrowing from AA’s “serenity prayer” that asks for the “serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In the situation of wanting a partner, dancing deftly among this serenity/courage balance is tricky.
It’s a time to realistically assess why you do not have a partner, when you say you want one. Are you being too picky? Are you emphasizing the wrong things (such as focusing on sex too much, when you’re looking for love?) Are you devoting enough time and energy to being what I call “interested, and interesting” in attracting a partner? Are you unconsciously avoiding relationships because of fear of repeating your parents’ dysfunctional marriage, having to share, or facing responsibility to another? Are you doing a reasonable amount (key word “reasonable”) to be attractive to others? Are you doing something (such as cognitive therapy) about any social anxiety or shyness issues? (That’s a HUGE issue I work with clients on in my practice; I think it’s a rare person who DOESN’T struggle with social anxiety, at least at times, and yet this can delay or kill certain life goals). These are all important questions to ask yourself, but sometimes, it’s just a matter of patience. (I used to use Diana Ross’ song, “You Can’t Hurry Love” as a theme for this. )
The magic of all the stars aligning just right to create partnerships is an alchemy that no one as yet can fully figure out. There are so many variables, and “rules” (such as not sleeping with someone on the first date) were made to be broken (I readily admit that I met my husband in a dance club, and slept with him on the first night (a Sunday, no less) — breaking lots and lots of rules, there — and we’ve been together for 9 years, living together for 7, and married for almost 3. Like I said, rules were made to be broken. But I also remember that I was “putting myself out there”, not so much to find a partner, as to be an active member of the community and see friends in a general gay ”gathering place”, after many years of being single as a gay male adult). While I think finding a partner takes a certain serendipity that can be frustratingly elusive, I also think we can influence the variables by being as vibrant, caring, and active a single person as possible, in our work and play, and as cliche as it sounds, loving ourselves first.
In the meantime, don’t let the intent of Valentine’s Day elude you because you don’t have a partner. There are still relationships to celebrate, with friends, perhaps parents, siblings, nieces/nephews, even children in your life. It’s also about expressing affection — perhaps through the traditional paper Valentine card, and perhaps via an e-card, email, or text. Ask yourself, Who is important to you in your life that you can express affection to on this day that is devoted to expressing affection to loved ones?
If all this is very hard, and you are truly hurting, then perhaps it’s time to get help for that. Having a good Valentine’s Day by this time next year means becoming self-empowered (my favorite word in my psychotherapy/coaching practice) to do it. And coping with the hope that we can achieve many of our life goals, including having a partner, over time. But I think it takes work. Every client I’ve ever seen, in my 18 years of doing psychotherapy with gay men, who has gone from working with me as a single person to having a partner, has had to “stack the deck” in his favor by working on it, in various ways, to increase the odds that a suitable relationship emerges in his life.
If Valentine’s Day is about expressing affection, let me start by expressing my affection for all who take the time to read this. It is my honor and privilege to help people, via my practice, blog, podcast, etc., and I truly value you and appreciate the opportunity to share with you, not only formal skills of counseling, but also my affection for helping out guys in the community. So, no red hearts or cupids — but perhaps just a big thank you and an XOXO to all who need it or want it on this day. 
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January 22, 2011: My Xtranormal Adventure: ‘Selecting a Gym in West Hollywood’
By now, many people have seen the Xtranormal.com video, “Selecting a Gym in West Hollywood”. In fact, as of today, 8,699 people have seen it on YouTube, and on the original Xtranormal.com site, 13,753.
What many people don’t know is, I wrote it — along with my husband, Michael Ryan. We were just kind of checking out Xtranormal.com to see how it worked, and one thing led to another (fueled by extra indulgence in Godiva Chocolate Truffle Coffee, which was on sale at CVS the day before), and before we knew it, we had “our little movie” to upload to Facebook. I emailed about a dozen friends and just said, “You might like this…” without saying who wrote it.
We took a little break for lunch, about 30 minutes, and when I came back to see if anyone had seen it, I was pleased to see that 75 people had.
By Wednesday, over 12, 000 had.
I am very glad, and very grateful, that so many people saw, liked, and shared it. A little part of me was sorry that I don’t yet have 13,000 on my mailing list yet for my e-newseltter, “Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!”, or that I don’t yet have 13,000 subscribers on iTunes to my podcast of the same name. But I get it; people would rather be entertained by a 3-minute cartoon than read the “real” stuff that supports gay men’s mental health.
I worried a little bit about what “you guys” (dear readers) would think about a “serious” therapist writing a piece that rips on local gyms, stereotypes, and even uses mild profanity. But I would hope I could “let loose” a little without losing professional credibility. If we were to work together in my office, it’s not about silly stuff like this, even though my clients and I do laugh a lot and have a bit of fun mixed in with the real work of counseling/psychotherapy or life/business coaching. I’ve always been happy and proud that I am a member of the same community I serve, in which I both work and play, and there are times when I am speaking and acting in my “off the clock” mode, rather than “professional mode” — this video is one of those times. But I still am the same person. In sessions, we sometimes explore the various aspects of ourselves that everyone has, such as personal and professionals, for in the many facets of our personalities, each serves a purpose.
I could say more about the serious issues behind “Selecting a Gym…” about body image, self-confidence, a healthy approach to fitness, community resources, and self-esteem. But more on that later. For now, enjoy “Selecting a Gym…” for what it is — a lark, a moment of abandon, sharing a moment of mischief with my husband, and weekend fun being a geek with a trendy new software website (www.xtranormal.com)
But in the months ahead, I hope to give “my” community — the community of my gay male brothers — a little more to eduate, inform, and perhaps even entertain. I encourage everyone who has seen “Selecting a Gym in West Hollywood” to ask me questions, and tell me what they need to hear from me, as a gay male specialist psychotherapist and life/business coach. What kinds of issues do you want more about in my blog, e-newsletter, podcast — and — dare I say — xtranormal videos? I would be happy to help.
And…apologies to the gyms and the attendees we, uh, “roasted” in the video. Hope you have fun with it. It’s the only way to live.
While this little project was done in fun, I actually do work with gay men (and some straight women, lesbians, and straight men) on body image issues. They are actually quite common. Overcoming this challenge requires support and some mental (and sometimes physical) work, but it can be done. Counseling and coaching can help ease the burden of negative body image issues. For your free phone consultation about your specific challenge, please email me at Ken@GayTherapyLA.com, or call 310-726-4357 today.
Tags: January 8, 2011: New Year, New Hip, New Movies ("Black Swan"/"The King's Speech")
Happy New Year!
In the January issue of my e-newsletter, “Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!”, I’ll be discussing how to set your goals for 2011 to feel empowered to make the positive changes in your life that you want to see over the next 12 months. Sign up now on my home page to get on the list. (I’ll also do a podcast version of this on iTunes; see “Have the Life You Want with Ken Howard, LCSW” under Health>Self Help>Ken Howard LCSW).
I’ve been recovering from having the second of two hip replacement surgeries (my left one was done in April, 2008; this is the right one) on December 6. When I’m not in the office seeing clients, I’ve been relaxing seeing some of the recent movies. Favorites include “Black Swan” and “The King’s Speech”.
I’m heartened in that both of these movies do address topics related to mental health, though I’m not sure about the “gay men’s” mental health part. Perhaps just “ballet” and “British royalty” themes are sort of “gay enough”.
In “Black Swan”, Natalie Portman does a beautiful job of portraying a star-but-still-shy ballet prima donna, who apparently has some sort of delusional disorder. Throughout this movie, I was attempting to “diagnose” exactly what was going on with her, because in my 18 years of providing psychotherapy, I’ve never worked with someone quite like this. Delusional disorders, yes, but not this particular blend of paranoia, hallucinations, and dissociative fantasies.
I think what I liked best about it was the sense that dealing with a serious psychotic disorder, especiallly when the patient knows they are in distress, is a very scary thing. I think the movie, while titillating and teasing its audience, also helped to sensitize the public that mental health disorders are real, and that people going through them need as much understanding and compassion as we can give. I think the movie also did a wonderful job of depicting a story about “reality testing” (how often do you hear that?), and plays with the idea of perception. Many times in therapy, we have to discuss what is “real” (particularly in anxiety management, trying to figure out true threats versus worries of tragedies that are very unlikely to occur). Portman’s performance and Darren Aronofsky’s expert direction help to blur the senses and make us question what we see. We can condescendingly pity Portman’s character, Nina Sayers, but who among us hasn’t had times in our lives when we are scared, frustrated, and held back by our own anxiety, if perhaps on a smaller magnitude. Who among us hasn’t struggled with the “white swan” and “black swan” parts of ourselves? Freud would say that’s the function of the Ego, to regulate between the base impulses of the Id, and the inhibiting moralism of the Superego.
Anytime a movie can sensitize us to our common humanity, including the struggles in mental health that we all share, trying to manage our anxieties and reconcile our subjectivity from objective reality, is a good thing.
Same thing with “The King’s Speech”, about the stammering problem that Britain’s King George VI, father to Queen Elizabeth II, had in his childhood and adulthood. The film depicts the relationship of “Bertie”, as Prince Royal Albert Philip Arthur George, aka later King George VI, and his commoner speech therapist, Lionel Logue, who addresses the king as “Bertie” to level the treatment playing field. Although Logue is not a psychotherapist, he makes a good point that Bertie’s stammer has its roots not just in the mechanics of speech, but also in the trauma of being raised by the verbally abusive King George V (Michael Gambon, last seen as Professor Dumbledore in the “Harry Potter” movie series). By helping Bertie come to terms with childhood abuse, he also helps him to literally “find his voice”, which is something I see frequently in my psychotherapy office. The cognitive effect of abuse, in many cases, or even “just” the relentless negative haranguing of hypercritical parents, teachers, coaches, clergy, or peers, will erode a person’s self-esteem and inhibit their confidence, stride, and sense of self — in other words, induce stammer, whether actually vocally, in Bertie’s case, or psychologically, keeping us from vocally claiming our fair stake in the world.
The King/Commoner “bromance” that develops, accompanied by the expert Helena Bonham Carter as the woman who was known at the time as “Queen Elizabeth” and later “Elizabeth, Queen Mother”, is heartwarming not only for showing the (platonic) affection between men, but also in the professional-but-still-loving clinical relationship between practitioner Logue and patient Bertie. This movie, too, like “Black Swan”, helps to sensitize us to mental health issues and their effects on the people who endure them.
I’m hoping that 2011 continues to bring us responsible portrayals of people who are challenged by mental health issues — not in a way like “Psycho” and numerous other movies that teach us to be deathly afraid of anyone who isn’t “normal” mentally, but to evoke intelligent understanding and compassion. Not bloody likely, but one can hope.
November 10, 2010: Do You Have 'Professional Self-Esteem'?
In recent years in my psychotherapy practice, I have noticed a dramatic increase in the demand for more “coaching”-style services, and I have been happy to develop this for my clients. There are personal coaching issues, to be sure, but what I find much more frequently is that clients need professional coaching, especially for what I call the “independent professional solo entrepreneur”, meaning people who make their living as a self-employed professional, in a variety of fields. The fields range from TV writers, to actors, architects, fashion designers, singers, office furniture salesmen, hair stylists, personal fitness trainers, lawyers, doctors, salesmen, etc.
What I find is that in the context of a major national recession, people need support for opening, sustaining, and maximizing their business. We have discussed a number of topics, which include how to have the confidence to start a business, who can support the endeavor, how will it be financed, what is the competition, how will the business be marketed, who is the target niche audience, and how to measure success. We’ve also discussed fear of “failure”, and actually, much more often, fear of success.
What I have concluded after doing this work for quite some time is that there is a concept that I call “Professional Self-Esteem” involved here. I’ve always said that in business, it’s not “the competition” that holds us back, or even a recessionary market, but ourselves, and our negative thinking that undermines reaching our professional goals. Developing professional self-esteem is part of the process of removing the barriers between us, and the success we dream of. Dreams are just “goals without timelines”. In business coaching, we talk about Success Goals, how they are defined, and what resources we need to reach them.
Professional self-esteem, then, I believe, is made of the following components:
- Recognizing ourselves as having the interest, aptitude, talent, and SKILLS required to do a certain profession
- Believing in ourselves enough to close any “gaps” in our skills and qualifications, through education, mentoring, and independent reading/research/study
- Reflecting on ourselves and removing any “guilt” or barriers to fully accepting success
- “Making friends with money” – Being confident that we can earn a good (or great!) living doing what we love, without guilt, because we have a mechanism for giving back (Jack Canfield’s great book, The Success Principles, talks about the “tithe” — giving a percentage of your income to worthy causes, which I’ve done for a number of years with great joy and satisfaction. That way, the more you earn, the more the “causes” you support earn!)
- Identifying and re-writing any mental “negative messages” that we grew up with, that we “can’t” or that we’re not “good enough”
- Evaluating ourselves to know what we do well in our profession, and what needs work. We don’t beat ourselves up; we humbly identify areas to improve, and make a commitment to shore them up. We also identify the resources we need to improve.
- We confidently identify the resources we need to succeed — internal resources, like responsibility, commitment, confidence, stamina, determination, creativity, and persistence, or external resources, like mentors, books, courses, websites, workbooks, research data, advertising/marketing strategies, etc.
- Challenging the belief that life is here to “suffer through” in jobs we hate, or even just “tolerate”, instead of going after our dream job that we do better than just about anyone else we know.
There are more nuances to Professional Self-Esteem that come up in client sessions, but these are the primary ones. Do you have “professional self-esteem”? If not, which components do you need to do some work on to cultivate?
My upcoming book, entitled (appropriately), Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!, has an entire chapter devoted to closing the gap between how life is, and how you would like it to be, in your Career. Stay tuned for additional information on how to get it.
You could also close that gap between where you are, and where you’d like to be, in achieving the ideal vision of your Professional Self, by doing therapy or coaching.
Doing what you love, with the talents you have, and earning a living doing it, can help you to…Have the Life You Want!
Self-Empowerment and the Three Resources: Time, Energy, Money
Over the course of my 18 years as a psychotherapist in private practice in West Hollywood, California, I’ve come to utilize a number of phrases that summarize the wisdom of various theorists from Sigmund Freud, the “founder” of psychotherapy, to Louise Hay, an 80′s New Age inspirational author. But, also along the way, I’ve developed a few phrases of my own, “Ken-isms” I like to call them, based on my many observations, that have helped many people in various classic problem situations that I see over and over. Perhaps my favorite concept in treatment is “self-empowerment” (which is the name of my upcoming book, Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!), because I believe in helping people empower themselves to improve their quality of life in various areas, such as your health, mental health, relationships, career, and finances. One of my favorite “Ken-isms” is encouraging my clients to spend their resources of Time, Energy, and Money according to their Values, Priorities, and Goals. What does this mean? Let’s take each one of those six elements: Read the rest of this entry »
Managing Recession Anxiety: How to Cope with Layoff
While the current economic recession may spare many of us as gay men, who are often considered an “affluent” segment of society, it will ensnare others. Even the threat of being affected by the recession is enough to cause anxiety, but for those who are laid off, have a partner who is, or who have to be the ones doing the laying off, anxiety pervades. How do we cope? Here are some ideas:
Handling Being Laid Off
According to the Alaska Department of Labor, being laid off includes acknowledging and coping with an entire series of stressors, including the loss of:
· Wages and benefits – the basic livelihood for our lifestyle
· Your role as a worker and provider; independence
· Dignity and self-esteem of work
· Expectations we had for the “American Dream”
· Trust in our economic system
· Feelings of control over your life
· Your daily pattern and comfortable, familiar routines
· Your “work family” of colleagues
· Feelings of patriotism and collective strength
These losses can cause symptoms of stress. But for every stressor, there is often a recommended resource and response. For example, for:
- Getting sick more often? Practice self –care of good food, exercise, and rest
- Feeling tired all the time? Sleep regular hours, eat balanced meals, do some cardio
- Sadness and depression? Seek counseling/therapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy
- Eating more or eating less? Eat a regular diet, small regular meals
- Having trouble sleeping? Ask your doctor for a prescription sleep aid, consider relaxation CDs
- Feeling shaky or dizzy? Consult your doctor, practice meditation, guided imagery, biofeedback or yoga
- Sexual problems? Cuddle, hug, take the pressure off “performance”, seek couples counseling as needed
- Not interested in anything? Seek therapy for possible depression; get outside of yourself and volunteer to help others
- Increased use of drugs or alcohol? Practice harm reduction; reduce or eliminate these; find alternative “treats” and indulgences
- Getting angry more easily? Forgive yourself and others; practice relaxation
- Feeling out of control? Identify things you can control; do 2-3 things per day in support of yourself; say “I could _________” over and over; volunteer for a cause; keep a journal of your small successes each day
Coping with a layoff also involves dealing with the obvious financial crisis this often brings. Various time-honored tips for financial crisis management include the following:
- Evaluate your financial situation – know your monthly expenses and any income or resources; make a budget and stick to it
- Pay minimums on your credit cards and other debts, but keep every debt current
- Negotiate your “exit package” with your employer before you leave your job – severance pay, job search “outplacement” or resume service fees, extended health and other benefits beyond date of separation
- Try to take copies of important documents before you receive notice of layoff or the day of, if you are allowed to according to your company’s intellectual property policy – such as your Rolodex or Outlook contact files, important memos you wrote, brochures you made, photographs of projects, PowerPoint presentations, successful proposals or reports you wrote, – things that would be part of a “portfolio” of impressive work product samples to show new potential employers
- Get recommendation letters from colleagues, and a letter from Human Resources verifying that you were laid off, not fired
- Enroll in COBRA quickly to preserve your health care coverage for emergencies and routine care
- Make personal/professional business cards on VistaPrint.com to network with – give them out constantly after your layoff
- Pretend you have to live on much less than you actually have – try $10/day for everything
- Use social networking sites – Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, Craigslist
- Sell any unused stuff in a garage or yard sale – (Avoid Ebay; its owner is a major Prop 8 supporter!)
- Go back to basics – food, sleep, exercise, stress management, family/peer support
- Brainstorm cheap entertainment – games, books, discount theatres, home-made dinners
- Separate “you” from “you in the job” – you are/were NOT your job – recognize that you have a professional self that transcends any one organization or title
- Research public benefits – Enroll in CA Unemployment, or if you have a physical or psychiatric disability (stress, depression), consider talking to your doctor about enrolling in SDI, the CA short-term disability program (which pays more than Unemployment).
- Register with temporary agencies or make yourself available for consulting. Always network with others with a, “How can I serve you?” attitude, not a, “Give me a job” one.
- Make your job-hunt your new job – Follow a Monday-Friday, 9 to 5 schedule.
- Get new training or go back to school for new work skills, if necessary.
- Be open to taking what you can get job-wise, and make the most of it. Read Jack Canfield’s, The Success Principles for a detailed description of great attitudes to adopt.
- Grieve and vent a little; you have to get these feelings off your chest with someone.
Supporting a Partner Who’s Been Laid Off
Maybe it’s not you, but your partner who has been laid off. What do you do then? Here are some other tips:
- Offer support as he wants it – not how you want to give it. Does he need you to just listen? Give advice? Make jokes? Talk about it? NOT talk about it? Help him with job networking? Role-play “mock” job interviews to build confidence?
- Discuss the issue as a two-person family – don’t think in terms of you/me; it’s “US”
- Review your household budget and try to make some sacrifices evenly between the two of you
- Try to boost your partner’s self-esteem by giving sincere compliments and recognition of things he does well outside of work (I bet you know a few…*ahem*).
- Discuss how if one partner picks up more expenses, the other “contributes” in non-monetary ways such as more domestic duties; discuss what might be fair in terms of money, chores, and other contributions to the household
Handling Laying Off Employees
Perhaps it’s not you, or your partner, who has been laid off, but you’re the one doing the laying off as a manager or director in your company. This is a thankless, unpleasant, and guilt-inducing task, but at times it must be done for the good of the company you represent.
These are ways to cope with this chore:
- Separate your role as a manager/officer of the company from your relationships with colleagues
- Keep in contact with your supervisor and HR – use them as resources so you follow proper legal protocols and not feel isolated in this process
- Focus on your role to keep your whole department “sound” – it’s not about individual employees when you are a manager
- Find trusted “buddies” to vent to – preferably on the same management level (don’t vent to subordinates or superiors)
- Balance the number of “bodies” on your staff in terms of quality versus quantity of workers
- Be quick, firm, but compassionate – offer to write letters of recommendation or take reference calls, if your company allows that
- Don’t be omnipotent. These people are going to sink or swim, with or without you. You can’t take credit if someone leaves and is a success, and you can’t take blame if they leave and have hard times. There are too many variables besides you affecting that person’s success, and they have to take responsibility for their own lives
- Motivate the employees you have left – keep up morale with low-cost recognitions. The book 1,000 Ways to Reward Employees can help.
- Stop feeling guilty – most laid-off employees do just fine, relatively shortly
Finally, remember that economic recessions are inherently temporary. These downturns are to be expected at several points in the long span of your career, and it might help to evoke the ancient wisdom of, “This, too, shall pass.” And then, my friends, the party is ON!
The Golden Boys: Gay Men at Midlife
Inspiration from Music: Dolly Parton's "Better Get to Livin'"
In my work as a psychotherapist and life coach, I am always grateful for the many and varied sources of inspiration that come my way. The latest uplifting piece of material I’ve come across is in music, in a relatively new song by country/pop star Dolly Parton, well-known by her fans and her colleagues for being so cheerful that she refers to herself as the “Dolly Lama” for being asked for her advice on how she keeps her perennially-positive attitude. Summarized in a song, “Better Get to Livin’”, (from her new CD, “Backwoods Barbie”) and featured in her new Broadway-bound musical version of “9 to 5”, opening soon in Los Angeles, Dolly describes her philosophy, available at iTunes.com or at http://www.dollyon-line.com/archives/lyrics/better_get_to_livin.shtml. The lyrics go like this:
:
“You better to get to livin’, givin’, Be willin’ and forgivin; ‘cause all healin’ has to start with you. You better stop whinin’, pinin’, Get your dreams in line, and then just shine, design, refine til they come true — and you better get to livin’.”
As simple as these words are, they reveal a similar philosophy about self-empowerment that I often teach my clients as I encourage them to identify, call forth, strengthen, and implement the skills of coping they need to face life’s challenges head-on. One of the best strategies for any challenge is to adopt as relentlessly positive an attitude as you possibly can, even if that’s hard to do. Earlier this year, when I was facing Total Hip Replacement surgery of my left femur bone joint in my left leg due to HIV-related Avascular Necrosis (crumbling bone), I took this attitude to prepare for my surgery. I worked out extra-hard the week before the surgery so that I would be in peak shape for my subsequent recovery and physical therapy. I was grateful for the not-so-bad hospital food, for the cute physical therapist, for the silly word games my fiancé played with me to pass the time, and for the nurses who took good care of me, I believe, in part due to the relentlessly polite and positive approach I gave them (I wanted them to be happy to answer my buzzer!). Later, I undertook my physical therapy not as a chore, but as a joy that the exercises would restore me to full athletic physical functioning — which they did, after only 12 weeks of consistent and diligent work. I don’t think it would have gone as fast or as well if I hadn’t been practicing Dolly’s advice — and this was before I learned about her song!
In daily practice with clients, I will often quote an inspirational song, story, script, or poem that I think might help them, or ask them to see if they can draw inspiration from a piece of music or literature that inspires them. Getting inspiration from the materials we are exposed to, and applying that material to challenging situations, is one aspect of emotional coping with the challenges that life inevitably tosses into our path.
Dolly’s song goes on to suggest that if “your life’s a wreck, your house is a mess, and your wardrobe’s way outdated, all your plans just keep on fallin’ through; overweight, underpaid, under-appreciated — I’m no guru, but I’ll tell you, this I know is true: You better to get to livin’, givin’, a little more thought about bein’ a little more willin’, to make a better way — Better start carin’, sharin’, tryin’, smilin’ — the day we’re born, we start to die, don’t waste a minute of this life — get to livin’.” All of these “in” verbs are a motivating list of how we need to jump-start our self-empowered attitudes. If something isn’t right, reach deep down into yourself and ask, “What do I need to evoke in myself to make things better?” Or, “What do I need to ask of others to make things better?” Knowing the internal resources we need (motivation, assertiveness, stamina, self-respect, effort, belief, inspiration, compassion) and the resources from others (information, elbow-grease, wisdom, time, compassion, faith, trust, courage, patience) helps us to assemble the tools we need to make change. Applying our resources — plus those we borrow from others — is what makes change in our lives.
Dolly’s more religious side suggests, “If it gets too rough, fall on your knees and pray — and do this every day.” For non-religious but perhaps more spiritual people, maybe it’s about meditating, concentrating, releasing, and believing. For people in AA, it’s about “giving it up” to a God of their understanding, or to their Higher Power. Sometimes, when it gets real rough, our spirituality has to augment all the resources that are within us and those near us. The anniversary of 9/11/01 comes to mind, or when things happen that seem to take all that we can give — and then some. When we really stretch at those times, we grow.
Lots of song lyrics can inspire us, and other materials that I can explain in therapy or coaching. What songs inspire you? Get to listenin’ — and get to livin’ — so that you, too, can Have The Life You Want!
Educated… UB2
Recently I was browsing through online personal ads in various online services for gay men. I was surprised at how often the term “UB2” came up. This is an appreviation for, “You be, too!”, in reference to a negative HIV status. It seems to say, in those succinct three characters, Read the rest of this entry »