Stress Management
November 12, 2011: Build Your Confidence
November 13, 2011 | 
Author One of the most common themes I see in my office doing counseling, psychotherapy, and coaching with gay male individuals and gay couples is that of low self-esteem and low self-confidence. It’s not surprising; as little gay boys, we get exposed to anti-gay messages outright, or at least to the “invisibility” that comes with the dominant heterosexist paradigm of society (the erroneous belief, according to gay psychologist Gregory Herek, Ph.D., that everyone either IS, or SHOULD BE heterosexual). One of the biggest problems that comes with the tyranny of the majority of heterosexual privilege is that it functions to undermine the self-esteem of all LGBT people (but I focus on gay men here) from a young age.
The adult manifestations of the internalized homophobia and negative messages from society, media, parents, siblings, teachers, coaches, etc. include a general “not feeling good” about yourself, not achieving the career you want, not getting a boyfriend/partner/spouse, not being paid enough at work, not having a safe/comfortable home, not driving a reliable car, not taking care of your health, not mitigating risks at all (unsafe sex, too much alcohol, gambling, etc.), and all the while believing on some level that we, as gay boys, somehow “deserve” to have a life that is “less than” our heterosexual brethren. Baloney.
The little ways it manifests include not being comfortable to ask a guy on a date, not feeling comfortable to go to a party or networking event, avoiding buying a stylish outfit (that you can afford) because you’re afraid you won’t look good in it, and not asking for what we need for many ways.
What do we DO about it? A lot! I could give the flip answer of “go into counseling”, and while that is important and valuable (even if I do say so myself), not everyone is ready for that. So, here are some quick tips, to tide you over until we can really get to work:
1) Understand that you didn’t create the negative messages in your head, you’re only repeating them. Babies aren’t born self-critical; kids (and adults) only get that way because somehow they are hearing they aren’t “good enough” for some reason, and it’s usually a stupid reason (like homophobia, bigotry, or some form of “exclusion” or “elitism”). Understand that while the messages got “in”, it’s up to you make sure they “get out.” If a belief about yourself doesn’t serve you in your adult life, personally or professionally, change it. Louise Hay’s affirmation (famous in her book, You Can Heal Your Life, HayHouse.com), “I love and approve of myself just as I am,” is a classic. Repeat this until you believe it, even it’s 1,000 times a day at first.
2) Begin to notice how often your mind’s “voice” tells you a negative message like “I can’t do that” or, “He’d never like me.” When you catch yourself sending yourself a negative message, stop it, freeze-frame it, and then re-write it: “I have never done that before, but I will try my best now.” Or, “He’s a handsome guy, and wouldn’t it be great if he agreed to date me. If not, there are other fish in the sea and it’s his loss.” You see the difference? To build your confidence, your job is to play “copy editor” with the negative messages in your head until every one of them has been re-written to something positive, or at least something neutral.
3. Apply critical thinking to the negative messages that you carry around in your head about you. Who first told you that? Do you respect their opinion? (In the case of parents who told us the negative message, it’s only human nature to want to believe what they said when we are young children, but sometimes we are older now than they were when they said it). But what if we take that person, and understand that maybe instead of being the authority on everything, they had their own weaknesses, jealousies, insecurities, neuroses, projections, and untamed aggressions that clouded their judgment of you? Then the message loses a little of its sting. If a madman walks up to you on the sidewalk and says, “I’m Julius Caesar, and I declare you the scourge of my empire; you should die by the nearest sword!”, you would be a little scared, but mostly you’d think he was ridiculous because you know he’s suffering from an untreated mental illness and his statement can’t be taken at face value. However, if your cherished mentor in your writing group says that Act II of your script needs a re-write because you didn’t appropriately emphasize the main character, you might take their advice more seriously and do the re-write. In each of these two cases, you are exercising judgment on when to believe someone’s opinions of you, and when not to. This is what makes you an empowered adult, with the critical thinking skills that children lack. Never believe a negative statement about yourself from someone who has hateful, elitist, aggressive, ignorant, discriminatory, superficial, and self-indulgent values you don’t respect.
4. To build your confidence for achieving things, believe in not “if” something is possible, but under what circumstances or HOW it would be possible. It’s not about thinking, “The CEO of my company would never want to talk to little old me about advancing my career”; it’s, “How can I ask the CEO’s assistant for a 15-minute slot on his calendar to ask him about how he built his career out of the mailroom?”
5. Don’t be afraid to use silly mind-trick encouragements. If you have to use the story of, “The Little Engine That Could” (“I think I can, I think I can”) then for heaven’s sake, use it! It might be the difference between having the confidence to ask your boss for a raise (that’s another blog article entirely) and getting by with the same salary you had last year. Or, pretend that you are someone you know who has confidence and poise, and “play the part.” People in AA will often say that acting “as if” something is true, helps you to manifest it actually happening – fake it till you make it.
6. Get impatient. One of the best ways to move past a lack of confidence is to simply declare to yourself that there just isn’t TIME for this nonsense. There are projects to be accomplished. There are people to see. There are places to go. There are dates to have. There is sex to be had. There are games to be won. There is LIFE to be lived. Even if you live to be 100, there isn’t time for self-doubt; there is only time for doing. Because living your life with confidence is what your life is there for. It’s what you are here to do.
Give these ideas a try. And if you need more support for your specific situation, consider reading my book, Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!, available at LuLu.com (hardcover or paperback), or on Amazon.com (hardcover and e-book). Or, let’s work on it together, in either in-person sessions in my office, or over the phone (310) 726-4357.
It’s never too late to be what you might have been.
Gay Men’s Mental Health in the Current Political Climate: A Lesson in Hope and Resilience
As the first activities in the 2012 election season begin with events like the recent Republican Iowa Straw Poll, I have noticed an increase in reported stress in my daily practice of therapy with gay men. It seems that the rhetoric in the news daily is an irritant to the men I work with in a way that exacerbates anxiety and/or depression.
We hear Michele Bachmann’s ill-informed rhetoric that is nothing but hateful and mean-spirited. Gay men use their inherent “gaydar” on her husband and rail at his (alleged) hypocrisy and self-loathing as a “therapist” (though he’s not licensed in ANY state) who (allegedly) performs “reparative” or “conversion” therapy on gay men, a technique that has been discredited by every major mental health organization in the United States for many years.
We see victories like achieving full marriage equality rights in New York, but in the process, we hear the hateful rhetoric from the “other side” that the media insists on reporting (when no other minority’s “other side” gets much media reporting).
All of this goes beyond the collective “current events” and impacts individual gay men’s lives, sense of self, mood, and overall mental health and functioning. Hate speech by conservative politicians is an assault for which gay men must develop resilience to in order not to succumb to its ill effects. I hear the anger, frustration, sense of injustice, impatience, and a little despair in my clients’ voices when they report what negative news they have been exposed to, and how it affects them.
It’s easy to say, “Oh, just shrug it off”, but no other current group in America is the recipient (victim?) of so much negative public rhetoric (with the possible exception of illegal immigrants — keyword there, illegal; gay and lesbian American citizens are breaking no laws of the land, even if they are assaulted by the Right with breaking “God’s law”, which is irrelevant to civic life). The truth is, the almost daily new bad rhetoric against the LGBT community, and gay men in particular, is a blight on the mental health of these American citizens. No wonder we’re angry.
What can we do about it? I offer my clients various tips to cope with the hostile media environment without condoning it. These include:
1) Limit yourself to how much “news” you are exposed to — online, TV, radio, Facebook, Twitter, office water cooler, or whatever the source.
2) Understand that coping with helplessness is a lesson in understanding what you CAN do, and affect, and what you CAN’T. Doing what you can WILL make a difference. Protest. Write editorials. And perhaps most of all, vote for gay-affirmative candidates at every opportunity.
3) Trust history. Women, African-Americans, Jews, workers, and others endured much public negative rhetoric before finally achieving equal rights under the Law.
4) Diversify your attention. Sure, it’s great to be an informed citizen. I think that’s part of civic duty and a part of self-empowerment. But you can’t save the world; even Superman sleeps or eats or bangs Lois Lane once in a while. If you have your own fun, the bad guys don’t win in their attempts to defeat your spirit. Living well is the best revenge.
5) Evaluate the source of negative rhetoric and realize their agenda behind it — money, power, Narcissistic ego satisfaction, Sadistic impulses, etc. One way to build resilience is to completely divest ANY respect for the aggressor. They are buffoons who publicly despise the gay community in service to their own selfish power-grab (The Bachmanns, Perry, Romney, Santorum, Palin, Dobson, Robertson, etc.). However, they can be gaining political POWER, and this is why they must be defended against in all legal ways (voting, protest, public education, person-to-person education, etc.).
6) Separate how negative rhetoric in the media is affecting your anxiety and/or depression, versus other sources, such as natural ups and downs in your symptoms. Evaluate also the role of other stressors in your life: financial, health, local, interpersonal, domestic, occupational, etc.
In the current climate, negative anti-gay rhetoric DOES indeed impede our quality of life — but only to a certain degree. Much of rhetoric we can ignore, except if it leads to the stripping of legal civil rights by candidates who have promised to do so. Then, we must answer the call to mount a defense to that threat, lest the situation worsens beyond the point where we can defend ourselves legally, emotionally, and even physically.
The current political climate now — and probably for some time yet to come in the new election season — is a combination of reasons for much hope, and also a time of threat and apprehension, but with the commitment and belief that our rights will steadily march along the path of progress. Self-empowerment is being an informed citizen and exercising your rights, but balancing this with your own personal and individual needs for peace of mind. Achieving this balance can help you to…Have the Life You Want!
Conquering Anxiety with… Probability??
Think about how you’ve been feeling lately. Felt any anxiety?
If no, perhaps get another cup of coffee, read another blog, or go back to work. 
But my guess is, yes, you have felt at least some anxiety about something in relatively recent times. Like maybe this morning.
I think what has helped me, personally, the most in managing anxiety (yes, therapists have feelings, too, including anxiety at times), as well as what has helped my patients, is disarming anxiety by way of… probability. Yes, probability.
Wait, hear me out. While that might sound really strange, let’s take a closer look: I define anxiety as “the fear of loss”. It can be loss of our physical security, such as if I don’t wear my car seatbelt, I might be anxious that if I have an accident, I’ll be thrown from the car and crushed in a million pieces. Fair enough; wear the belt. But I might also be anxious before I speak to a large audience (heck, even a small one — ever had to make a presentation at work??). But in that case, the audience isn’t going to crush me into a million pieces. The “loss” in this situation might be a threat to the loss of our dignity, or looking socially inept if the audience doesn’t like our presentation. So, why are the feelings of anticipatory anxiety the same? Because in both cases, it’s the anticipation of the fear of possible loss.
And it’s that “anticipation of the fear of possible loss” where probability comes into play. We have to ask ourselves, while we are in the role of fortune-telling, future-predicting swami, what is the fear, specifically, that arouses my anxiety? Am I going to go out there, give my presentation to an audience, and have them throw rotten tomatoes at me while they scream, Boo! Get off the stage, you quack, Howard! Then we have to ask ourselves, How likely is what I fear to happen? What is its probability? In a case like that, not very much. So, if the probability is not bloody likely, then why do we have fear? What happens to our fear, when we assess the probability of it actually happening? Kinda takes the wind out of our Anxiety Sails, doesn’t it?
Let’s try a different anxiety, same situation. What if I’m anxious because part of my presentation isn’t rehearsed well, because I had to work late last night on another deadline and only rehearsed the first two-thirds of my speech? What if I’m anxious because I might look stupid because the last third isn’t well-rehearsed, and I might get very confrontive questions from the audience on that portion, and I might blush and feel flustered and embarrassed? OK; the probability of that happening might be a little more, if we truly did not rehearse adequately. But what if, instead of getting flustered, we rely on our considerable experience and knowledge from previous presentations and make a good “improvisation” at that point, and just go with the flow, trusting that we know what we’re talking about in the general area of that last portion of the presentation, because, after all, we wrote it? We have a coping strategy in the moment. OK, now what happens to our anxiety? Less, right? Because we feel prepared and confident, including the parts that feel least prepared.
In other words, our anxiety is always reduced when we consider that it is human nature to over-state the probability of our fear fantasies (and we humans are a creative bunch; we do tend to have wildly imaginative fear fantasies). And, our anxiety is reduced when we have something — anything — that is a potential coping strategy.
So, the next time you feel anxious, you have work to do. Ask yourself:
1) What are my fear fantasies?
2) How likely is that to actually happen?
3) How could I cope with the situation even if that did happen?
and….
4) How can I re-focus my thinking on something more realistic that helps me to concentrate on something more important?
See? And you thought those classes in Statistics and Probability back in school wouldn’t ever be useful.
December 16, 2010: The HIV 'Cure' and Never Say Never
With the news this week that a man has been declared officially “cured” of HIV by way of stem cell therapy (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/14/hiv-cure-berlin-patient_n_796521.html), I was heartened, to say the least. Immediately, my mind went to two things: one was about what this means for the immediate future of HIV eradication research, and how soon could something like that one, unique man’s experience be extrapolated to the entire HIV-positive population, and two, a more emotional side — How many people that we lost, or that I lost personally, would have loved to have seen this day? This is the day that many said could never arrive, the day that we declare the “c-word” — no, not that one — CURE in HIV.
I wondered what my friends Keith Markin, or Fernando Baell, or Charlie Wills would say about this day. Knowing them, I think it would be a chorus of “it’s about fucking time!” And they would be right. This day does seem a little long-time coming, 30 years into the HIV/AIDS epidemic. And the full day of known “cure” for all still eludes us. But this day does give hope that this very easily could be “the beginning of the end” of HIV as we know it. And, as I sit and recover from my second hip replacement surgery (December 6) due to HIV-related Avascular Necrosis, a bone disease, boy do I “know it” all too well!
But beyond what this news means for the medical, and more specifically HIV medical community, I think about the existential and philosophical aspects of this news. I think about how this defies nay-sayers that cure is “impossible”, just like the nay-sayers circa 1955 or so who said that we would never put a man on the moon. To say it reminds me of, “Never Say Never” might be a little cliche’, but I often think in cliches (as anyone who reads my writing knows).
I think of this news in the context of the time period that it comes to us — the holiday season. More specifically, the Christmas season. I don’t identify as being particularly religious, and I’m the first one to defiantly, humorously, subversively, and just a little bit ragefully challenge the prevailing notion of the implied “superiority” of so-called “Christians” and the general passive or active homophobia, heterosexism, and just plain hate of far too many of them. But if we take the Christian idea, or dare we say “myth” (don’t shoot; it’s just a blog!), that Christmas is representative of the birth of Hope, of Peace, and of a Sun (“son”), what better time of year for news that something as antithetical to Hope and Peace such as HIV could be “cured”, at least once?
The implications of this news extend beyond the medical fascination of it all. It is a parable, a Life Lesson, a historical reminder that things DO change. That the diffculties that seem “un-curable” today may indeed be “curable” tomorrow. Or a thousand tomorrows after that.
It needs to be said that this man’s experience is extraordinary, and the measures used were something that would not be feasible to apply to everyone living with HIV. It’s really still considered a “fluke”. But, that said, I still think HIV’s days are numbered. Polio’s certainly were. The Bubonic Plague’s were. Smallpox’s were. Diseases are just as superficially vulnerable as fashion; they “go out”. HIV has been an unwelcome guest at the World Party for far too long, and you know, it’s just getting to be that time. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
Whatever your nay-saying is, stop for a minute and challenge the “permanence” of that thinking. Never say never. Let there be a Birth of Hope for you this holiday season. Happy Holidays!
Self-Empowerment and the Three Resources: Time, Energy, Money
Over the course of my 18 years as a psychotherapist in private practice in West Hollywood, California, I’ve come to utilize a number of phrases that summarize the wisdom of various theorists from Sigmund Freud, the “founder” of psychotherapy, to Louise Hay, an 80′s New Age inspirational author. But, also along the way, I’ve developed a few phrases of my own, “Ken-isms” I like to call them, based on my many observations, that have helped many people in various classic problem situations that I see over and over. Perhaps my favorite concept in treatment is “self-empowerment” (which is the name of my upcoming book, Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!), because I believe in helping people empower themselves to improve their quality of life in various areas, such as your health, mental health, relationships, career, and finances. One of my favorite “Ken-isms” is encouraging my clients to spend their resources of Time, Energy, and Money according to their Values, Priorities, and Goals. What does this mean? Let’s take each one of those six elements: Read the rest of this entry »
Inspiration from Music: Dolly Parton's "Better Get to Livin'"
In my work as a psychotherapist and life coach, I am always grateful for the many and varied sources of inspiration that come my way. The latest uplifting piece of material I’ve come across is in music, in a relatively new song by country/pop star Dolly Parton, well-known by her fans and her colleagues for being so cheerful that she refers to herself as the “Dolly Lama” for being asked for her advice on how she keeps her perennially-positive attitude. Summarized in a song, “Better Get to Livin’”, (from her new CD, “Backwoods Barbie”) and featured in her new Broadway-bound musical version of “9 to 5”, opening soon in Los Angeles, Dolly describes her philosophy, available at iTunes.com or at http://www.dollyon-line.com/archives/lyrics/better_get_to_livin.shtml. The lyrics go like this:
:
“You better to get to livin’, givin’, Be willin’ and forgivin; ‘cause all healin’ has to start with you. You better stop whinin’, pinin’, Get your dreams in line, and then just shine, design, refine til they come true — and you better get to livin’.”
As simple as these words are, they reveal a similar philosophy about self-empowerment that I often teach my clients as I encourage them to identify, call forth, strengthen, and implement the skills of coping they need to face life’s challenges head-on. One of the best strategies for any challenge is to adopt as relentlessly positive an attitude as you possibly can, even if that’s hard to do. Earlier this year, when I was facing Total Hip Replacement surgery of my left femur bone joint in my left leg due to HIV-related Avascular Necrosis (crumbling bone), I took this attitude to prepare for my surgery. I worked out extra-hard the week before the surgery so that I would be in peak shape for my subsequent recovery and physical therapy. I was grateful for the not-so-bad hospital food, for the cute physical therapist, for the silly word games my fiancé played with me to pass the time, and for the nurses who took good care of me, I believe, in part due to the relentlessly polite and positive approach I gave them (I wanted them to be happy to answer my buzzer!). Later, I undertook my physical therapy not as a chore, but as a joy that the exercises would restore me to full athletic physical functioning — which they did, after only 12 weeks of consistent and diligent work. I don’t think it would have gone as fast or as well if I hadn’t been practicing Dolly’s advice — and this was before I learned about her song!
In daily practice with clients, I will often quote an inspirational song, story, script, or poem that I think might help them, or ask them to see if they can draw inspiration from a piece of music or literature that inspires them. Getting inspiration from the materials we are exposed to, and applying that material to challenging situations, is one aspect of emotional coping with the challenges that life inevitably tosses into our path.
Dolly’s song goes on to suggest that if “your life’s a wreck, your house is a mess, and your wardrobe’s way outdated, all your plans just keep on fallin’ through; overweight, underpaid, under-appreciated — I’m no guru, but I’ll tell you, this I know is true: You better to get to livin’, givin’, a little more thought about bein’ a little more willin’, to make a better way — Better start carin’, sharin’, tryin’, smilin’ — the day we’re born, we start to die, don’t waste a minute of this life — get to livin’.” All of these “in” verbs are a motivating list of how we need to jump-start our self-empowered attitudes. If something isn’t right, reach deep down into yourself and ask, “What do I need to evoke in myself to make things better?” Or, “What do I need to ask of others to make things better?” Knowing the internal resources we need (motivation, assertiveness, stamina, self-respect, effort, belief, inspiration, compassion) and the resources from others (information, elbow-grease, wisdom, time, compassion, faith, trust, courage, patience) helps us to assemble the tools we need to make change. Applying our resources — plus those we borrow from others — is what makes change in our lives.
Dolly’s more religious side suggests, “If it gets too rough, fall on your knees and pray — and do this every day.” For non-religious but perhaps more spiritual people, maybe it’s about meditating, concentrating, releasing, and believing. For people in AA, it’s about “giving it up” to a God of their understanding, or to their Higher Power. Sometimes, when it gets real rough, our spirituality has to augment all the resources that are within us and those near us. The anniversary of 9/11/01 comes to mind, or when things happen that seem to take all that we can give — and then some. When we really stretch at those times, we grow.
Lots of song lyrics can inspire us, and other materials that I can explain in therapy or coaching. What songs inspire you? Get to listenin’ — and get to livin’ — so that you, too, can Have The Life You Want!
Twelve Tips for a Successful Hospital Stay
My recent three-day stay in a somewhat-small-by-LA-standards but rather posh urban hospital took away the up-until-now, 43-year virginity I had to hospital stays. I had no idea what to expect, but now that I’m out, I wanted to share my experience Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Health/Illness Management, Life Skills, Stress Management | 
Tags: coping, HIV, HIV medication, hospital stay, illness, nurses | 
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Managing Holiday Stress
While the holiday season can be a time of great fun and festive celebrations all over town for you and your friends or family, for many gay men it can be a time of increased stress. These holiday stressors can include:
- Not having a partner at a particularly “romantic” time of year
Trauma, Revisited
As we approach the anniversary of the September 11 terrorist attacks which affected all of us, people in the country and around the world will be reflecting on that trauma. Trauma is a negative event of loss that overwhelms us, that sails past our best defenses and leaves us feeling victimized and temporarily helpless. It is usually sudden, taking us by surprise even if on some level we might have been expecting it. It damages us in a way that leaves us wondering if we’ll ever be the same. Read the rest of this entry »