Life Changes
December 16, 2010: The HIV 'Cure' and Never Say Never
January 22, 2011 | 
Author With the news this week that a man has been declared officially “cured” of HIV by way of stem cell therapy (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/14/hiv-cure-berlin-patient_n_796521.html), I was heartened, to say the least. Immediately, my mind went to two things: one was about what this means for the immediate future of HIV eradication research, and how soon could something like that one, unique man’s experience be extrapolated to the entire HIV-positive population, and two, a more emotional side — How many people that we lost, or that I lost personally, would have loved to have seen this day? This is the day that many said could never arrive, the day that we declare the “c-word” — no, not that one — CURE in HIV.
I wondered what my friends Keith Markin, or Fernando Baell, or Charlie Wills would say about this day. Knowing them, I think it would be a chorus of “it’s about fucking time!” And they would be right. This day does seem a little long-time coming, 30 years into the HIV/AIDS epidemic. And the full day of known “cure” for all still eludes us. But this day does give hope that this very easily could be “the beginning of the end” of HIV as we know it. And, as I sit and recover from my second hip replacement surgery (December 6) due to HIV-related Avascular Necrosis, a bone disease, boy do I “know it” all too well!
But beyond what this news means for the medical, and more specifically HIV medical community, I think about the existential and philosophical aspects of this news. I think about how this defies nay-sayers that cure is “impossible”, just like the nay-sayers circa 1955 or so who said that we would never put a man on the moon. To say it reminds me of, “Never Say Never” might be a little cliche’, but I often think in cliches (as anyone who reads my writing knows).
I think of this news in the context of the time period that it comes to us — the holiday season. More specifically, the Christmas season. I don’t identify as being particularly religious, and I’m the first one to defiantly, humorously, subversively, and just a little bit ragefully challenge the prevailing notion of the implied “superiority” of so-called “Christians” and the general passive or active homophobia, heterosexism, and just plain hate of far too many of them. But if we take the Christian idea, or dare we say “myth” (don’t shoot; it’s just a blog!), that Christmas is representative of the birth of Hope, of Peace, and of a Sun (“son”), what better time of year for news that something as antithetical to Hope and Peace such as HIV could be “cured”, at least once?
The implications of this news extend beyond the medical fascination of it all. It is a parable, a Life Lesson, a historical reminder that things DO change. That the diffculties that seem “un-curable” today may indeed be “curable” tomorrow. Or a thousand tomorrows after that.
It needs to be said that this man’s experience is extraordinary, and the measures used were something that would not be feasible to apply to everyone living with HIV. It’s really still considered a “fluke”. But, that said, I still think HIV’s days are numbered. Polio’s certainly were. The Bubonic Plague’s were. Smallpox’s were. Diseases are just as superficially vulnerable as fashion; they “go out”. HIV has been an unwelcome guest at the World Party for far too long, and you know, it’s just getting to be that time. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
Whatever your nay-saying is, stop for a minute and challenge the “permanence” of that thinking. Never say never. Let there be a Birth of Hope for you this holiday season. Happy Holidays!
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November 3, 2010: On Twenty Years of Living with HIV
It was 20 years ago today, November 3rd, 1990, that I was diagnosed with HIV. Knowing this “anniversary” was coming up, I was thinking about how to write about it. I had things in mind, like a bullet-pointed “highlights” of the challenges and even perhaps “rewarding” or at least “poignant” experiences since that time. And then, I received an email late last night — and I knew that I had what I wanted to share, which is the email exchange, below, of that note to me, and below it, my response:
Hello Ken,
My partner and I need counseling and have a couple questions for you. Neither one of us are HIV-positive and have strong moral beliefs. How can you counsel us when your indiscretions and carelessness are not compatible with our HIV-negative lifestyle? Also, why is your website and Facebook picture over 20 years old? Are you using it as a dating site for yourself? Please let me know. Thank you.
Sincerely,
[Initials Redacted]
Self-Empowerment and the Three Resources: Time, Energy, Money
Over the course of my 18 years as a psychotherapist in private practice in West Hollywood, California, I’ve come to utilize a number of phrases that summarize the wisdom of various theorists from Sigmund Freud, the “founder” of psychotherapy, to Louise Hay, an 80′s New Age inspirational author. But, also along the way, I’ve developed a few phrases of my own, “Ken-isms” I like to call them, based on my many observations, that have helped many people in various classic problem situations that I see over and over. Perhaps my favorite concept in treatment is “self-empowerment” (which is the name of my upcoming book, Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!), because I believe in helping people empower themselves to improve their quality of life in various areas, such as your health, mental health, relationships, career, and finances. One of my favorite “Ken-isms” is encouraging my clients to spend their resources of Time, Energy, and Money according to their Values, Priorities, and Goals. What does this mean? Let’s take each one of those six elements: Read the rest of this entry »
Helping Hands, Stronger Hands – by Galia Myron
Written by Galia Myron Thursday, 14 January 2010 13:55
Elderly volunteers are less likely to suffer from frailty than their peers who work for pay.
Volunteering may provide protection against frailty as we age, says a study from UCLA that found that when compared to child care and working for pay. Frailty in the elderly involved weight loss, low energy and strength, and low physical activity. The study examined 1.072 healthy adults aged 70 to 79 between 1988 and 1991 to determine which activities are most likely to prevent frailty. After controlling for levels of physcial and cognitive function, researchers found that only volunteering offered anti-frailty benefits to seniors.
“It’s important to remember that as we age, one of the most psychological tasks for optimum mental health–particularly after retirement–is to have a sense of purpose,” Ken Howard, LCSW, explains.
(For the full text of this article, please visit:
http://www.demodirt.com/index.php/demographic-data-and-trends/matures/331-helping-hands-stronger-hands )
Three Keys for Successful Living: Something to Do, Love, and Hope For
Managing Recession Anxiety: How to Cope with Layoff
While the current economic recession may spare many of us as gay men, who are often considered an “affluent” segment of society, it will ensnare others. Even the threat of being affected by the recession is enough to cause anxiety, but for those who are laid off, have a partner who is, or who have to be the ones doing the laying off, anxiety pervades. How do we cope? Here are some ideas:
Handling Being Laid Off
According to the Alaska Department of Labor, being laid off includes acknowledging and coping with an entire series of stressors, including the loss of:
· Wages and benefits – the basic livelihood for our lifestyle
· Your role as a worker and provider; independence
· Dignity and self-esteem of work
· Expectations we had for the “American Dream”
· Trust in our economic system
· Feelings of control over your life
· Your daily pattern and comfortable, familiar routines
· Your “work family” of colleagues
· Feelings of patriotism and collective strength
These losses can cause symptoms of stress. But for every stressor, there is often a recommended resource and response. For example, for:
- Getting sick more often? Practice self –care of good food, exercise, and rest
- Feeling tired all the time? Sleep regular hours, eat balanced meals, do some cardio
- Sadness and depression? Seek counseling/therapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy
- Eating more or eating less? Eat a regular diet, small regular meals
- Having trouble sleeping? Ask your doctor for a prescription sleep aid, consider relaxation CDs
- Feeling shaky or dizzy? Consult your doctor, practice meditation, guided imagery, biofeedback or yoga
- Sexual problems? Cuddle, hug, take the pressure off “performance”, seek couples counseling as needed
- Not interested in anything? Seek therapy for possible depression; get outside of yourself and volunteer to help others
- Increased use of drugs or alcohol? Practice harm reduction; reduce or eliminate these; find alternative “treats” and indulgences
- Getting angry more easily? Forgive yourself and others; practice relaxation
- Feeling out of control? Identify things you can control; do 2-3 things per day in support of yourself; say “I could _________” over and over; volunteer for a cause; keep a journal of your small successes each day
Coping with a layoff also involves dealing with the obvious financial crisis this often brings. Various time-honored tips for financial crisis management include the following:
- Evaluate your financial situation – know your monthly expenses and any income or resources; make a budget and stick to it
- Pay minimums on your credit cards and other debts, but keep every debt current
- Negotiate your “exit package” with your employer before you leave your job – severance pay, job search “outplacement” or resume service fees, extended health and other benefits beyond date of separation
- Try to take copies of important documents before you receive notice of layoff or the day of, if you are allowed to according to your company’s intellectual property policy – such as your Rolodex or Outlook contact files, important memos you wrote, brochures you made, photographs of projects, PowerPoint presentations, successful proposals or reports you wrote, – things that would be part of a “portfolio” of impressive work product samples to show new potential employers
- Get recommendation letters from colleagues, and a letter from Human Resources verifying that you were laid off, not fired
- Enroll in COBRA quickly to preserve your health care coverage for emergencies and routine care
- Make personal/professional business cards on VistaPrint.com to network with – give them out constantly after your layoff
- Pretend you have to live on much less than you actually have – try $10/day for everything
- Use social networking sites – Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, Craigslist
- Sell any unused stuff in a garage or yard sale – (Avoid Ebay; its owner is a major Prop 8 supporter!)
- Go back to basics – food, sleep, exercise, stress management, family/peer support
- Brainstorm cheap entertainment – games, books, discount theatres, home-made dinners
- Separate “you” from “you in the job” – you are/were NOT your job – recognize that you have a professional self that transcends any one organization or title
- Research public benefits – Enroll in CA Unemployment, or if you have a physical or psychiatric disability (stress, depression), consider talking to your doctor about enrolling in SDI, the CA short-term disability program (which pays more than Unemployment).
- Register with temporary agencies or make yourself available for consulting. Always network with others with a, “How can I serve you?” attitude, not a, “Give me a job” one.
- Make your job-hunt your new job – Follow a Monday-Friday, 9 to 5 schedule.
- Get new training or go back to school for new work skills, if necessary.
- Be open to taking what you can get job-wise, and make the most of it. Read Jack Canfield’s, The Success Principles for a detailed description of great attitudes to adopt.
- Grieve and vent a little; you have to get these feelings off your chest with someone.
Supporting a Partner Who’s Been Laid Off
Maybe it’s not you, but your partner who has been laid off. What do you do then? Here are some other tips:
- Offer support as he wants it – not how you want to give it. Does he need you to just listen? Give advice? Make jokes? Talk about it? NOT talk about it? Help him with job networking? Role-play “mock” job interviews to build confidence?
- Discuss the issue as a two-person family – don’t think in terms of you/me; it’s “US”
- Review your household budget and try to make some sacrifices evenly between the two of you
- Try to boost your partner’s self-esteem by giving sincere compliments and recognition of things he does well outside of work (I bet you know a few…*ahem*).
- Discuss how if one partner picks up more expenses, the other “contributes” in non-monetary ways such as more domestic duties; discuss what might be fair in terms of money, chores, and other contributions to the household
Handling Laying Off Employees
Perhaps it’s not you, or your partner, who has been laid off, but you’re the one doing the laying off as a manager or director in your company. This is a thankless, unpleasant, and guilt-inducing task, but at times it must be done for the good of the company you represent.
These are ways to cope with this chore:
- Separate your role as a manager/officer of the company from your relationships with colleagues
- Keep in contact with your supervisor and HR – use them as resources so you follow proper legal protocols and not feel isolated in this process
- Focus on your role to keep your whole department “sound” – it’s not about individual employees when you are a manager
- Find trusted “buddies” to vent to – preferably on the same management level (don’t vent to subordinates or superiors)
- Balance the number of “bodies” on your staff in terms of quality versus quantity of workers
- Be quick, firm, but compassionate – offer to write letters of recommendation or take reference calls, if your company allows that
- Don’t be omnipotent. These people are going to sink or swim, with or without you. You can’t take credit if someone leaves and is a success, and you can’t take blame if they leave and have hard times. There are too many variables besides you affecting that person’s success, and they have to take responsibility for their own lives
- Motivate the employees you have left – keep up morale with low-cost recognitions. The book 1,000 Ways to Reward Employees can help.
- Stop feeling guilty – most laid-off employees do just fine, relatively shortly
Finally, remember that economic recessions are inherently temporary. These downturns are to be expected at several points in the long span of your career, and it might help to evoke the ancient wisdom of, “This, too, shall pass.” And then, my friends, the party is ON!
The Golden Boys: Gay Men at Midlife
Inspiration from Music: Dolly Parton's "Better Get to Livin'"
In my work as a psychotherapist and life coach, I am always grateful for the many and varied sources of inspiration that come my way. The latest uplifting piece of material I’ve come across is in music, in a relatively new song by country/pop star Dolly Parton, well-known by her fans and her colleagues for being so cheerful that she refers to herself as the “Dolly Lama” for being asked for her advice on how she keeps her perennially-positive attitude. Summarized in a song, “Better Get to Livin’”, (from her new CD, “Backwoods Barbie”) and featured in her new Broadway-bound musical version of “9 to 5”, opening soon in Los Angeles, Dolly describes her philosophy, available at iTunes.com or at http://www.dollyon-line.com/archives/lyrics/better_get_to_livin.shtml. The lyrics go like this:
:
“You better to get to livin’, givin’, Be willin’ and forgivin; ‘cause all healin’ has to start with you. You better stop whinin’, pinin’, Get your dreams in line, and then just shine, design, refine til they come true — and you better get to livin’.”
As simple as these words are, they reveal a similar philosophy about self-empowerment that I often teach my clients as I encourage them to identify, call forth, strengthen, and implement the skills of coping they need to face life’s challenges head-on. One of the best strategies for any challenge is to adopt as relentlessly positive an attitude as you possibly can, even if that’s hard to do. Earlier this year, when I was facing Total Hip Replacement surgery of my left femur bone joint in my left leg due to HIV-related Avascular Necrosis (crumbling bone), I took this attitude to prepare for my surgery. I worked out extra-hard the week before the surgery so that I would be in peak shape for my subsequent recovery and physical therapy. I was grateful for the not-so-bad hospital food, for the cute physical therapist, for the silly word games my fiancé played with me to pass the time, and for the nurses who took good care of me, I believe, in part due to the relentlessly polite and positive approach I gave them (I wanted them to be happy to answer my buzzer!). Later, I undertook my physical therapy not as a chore, but as a joy that the exercises would restore me to full athletic physical functioning — which they did, after only 12 weeks of consistent and diligent work. I don’t think it would have gone as fast or as well if I hadn’t been practicing Dolly’s advice — and this was before I learned about her song!
In daily practice with clients, I will often quote an inspirational song, story, script, or poem that I think might help them, or ask them to see if they can draw inspiration from a piece of music or literature that inspires them. Getting inspiration from the materials we are exposed to, and applying that material to challenging situations, is one aspect of emotional coping with the challenges that life inevitably tosses into our path.
Dolly’s song goes on to suggest that if “your life’s a wreck, your house is a mess, and your wardrobe’s way outdated, all your plans just keep on fallin’ through; overweight, underpaid, under-appreciated — I’m no guru, but I’ll tell you, this I know is true: You better to get to livin’, givin’, a little more thought about bein’ a little more willin’, to make a better way — Better start carin’, sharin’, tryin’, smilin’ — the day we’re born, we start to die, don’t waste a minute of this life — get to livin’.” All of these “in” verbs are a motivating list of how we need to jump-start our self-empowered attitudes. If something isn’t right, reach deep down into yourself and ask, “What do I need to evoke in myself to make things better?” Or, “What do I need to ask of others to make things better?” Knowing the internal resources we need (motivation, assertiveness, stamina, self-respect, effort, belief, inspiration, compassion) and the resources from others (information, elbow-grease, wisdom, time, compassion, faith, trust, courage, patience) helps us to assemble the tools we need to make change. Applying our resources — plus those we borrow from others — is what makes change in our lives.
Dolly’s more religious side suggests, “If it gets too rough, fall on your knees and pray — and do this every day.” For non-religious but perhaps more spiritual people, maybe it’s about meditating, concentrating, releasing, and believing. For people in AA, it’s about “giving it up” to a God of their understanding, or to their Higher Power. Sometimes, when it gets real rough, our spirituality has to augment all the resources that are within us and those near us. The anniversary of 9/11/01 comes to mind, or when things happen that seem to take all that we can give — and then some. When we really stretch at those times, we grow.
Lots of song lyrics can inspire us, and other materials that I can explain in therapy or coaching. What songs inspire you? Get to listenin’ — and get to livin’ — so that you, too, can Have The Life You Want!
Coming Into Therapy Scary
Dear Ken,I’m impressed with your website, but I’m just afraid to come in. I’m afraid what it will cost, and that I might not like what I see when I really look at myself. How do I feel safe in coming in to see you?
Reluctant Patient
Dear Reluctant, Read the rest of this entry »
PodCast Episode 2: Living in Gratitude
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=269518430
Ken gives helpful tips to start your day on a good note, and end your day with appreciation for all that the day has brought.