Gay Men and How to Reach Your Full Potential
From my perspective as a long term (31 years in 2023) gay men’s specialist psychotherapist and life/career/relationship coach, I often focus on helping gay men reach your full potential. Another way of saying this, which has been a long-term theme of my practice, is to help you close the gap between how life is, and how you would like it to be, in important “domains” of your life such as your mental health, health, sex life, career, relationships, finances, spirituality, and role in the community. That’s also the theme of my 2013 book, “Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!”, which is for a broad audience.
As a psychotherapist for guys in California (where I’m licensed), I treat things like Depression, Anxiety, OCD, ADD, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, all the personality disorders, sex therapy issues like erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, low libido, and desire discrepancies in relationships, and substance problems such as cocaine, meth, alcohol, opiates, and even sometimes weed.
But unlike some people who want to disparage therapy by saying it’s “all about focusing on the past, and not the present or future,” I call bullshit. Coaches who are not also therapists like to say that because it makes therapy sound depressing and helps them get business instead. As a therapist and as a coach, I help guys recover from any negative experiences in their past, improve their present, and set the stage for success in the future, to guys (both individuals and couples/polycules) all over the world (which can make for some interesting time zone differences!).
When we talk about closing the gap between how life is, and how you want it to be, every guy is different. Your personality, culture, aptitude, skills, interests, and values differ in how you define success and what you consider reaching your potential to be. When I work with clients, you tell me what your goals are, and then I help you (using every trick in the bag I can think of!) to help you reach them.
It takes time, and work for both of us, but you get there, or at least get a lot closer. The World has to meet you half-way, and the bigger the goal, the more challenging it can be. But if it’s in the realm of possibility, we work toward it.
The developmental psychology theorist Erik Erikson said that as we go through the life span, every phase has its own challenge and reward of being in that age. It’s a predictable way in general that people move through the life span. We each have our own unique “gifts” and talents that we are probably better at than most people, and we might have some challenges where most people are better than us at that particular thing.
Leaving things to “Fate” can be overrated, but it does seem that each of us has a unique contribution to make in the world, in the course of own lifetime and in our historical, cultural, and social context. That’s why it’s important to hold yourself in high esteem, trusting that no one else can be you. They broke the mold. We might all want to be like someone else, because we admire or even envy them, but I’ve found over the years that we are all better off if we work with what we have, and try to focus on what our unique talents and contributions are.
Fitness professionals on social media say this often: don’t try to look like someone else, exactly, because they have their own unique genetics. Instead, be the best version of your physique that you can be, and make the most of that, even if you’re a different type from someone else.
That’s easier said than done. All of it is, really. When I work with clients on helping them work toward their goals in reaching their full potential, I’ve also often noticed their Inner Conflict of what we want versus what we actually do in our thinking and behaviors to get it. The struggle to resolve this conflict is the business of the Unconscious Mind. We might have, unfortunately, internalized some of the negative messages that all LGBT+ people, and in this case gay men, go through in our development in a generally homophobic society. Our natural drive to achieve is thwarted by the Inner Critic or the self-doubt that I theorize is the drama of the “application” of systemic oppression that straight people don’t have; that’s their privilege: they don’t have to take the shit we do. Minority Stress, this is called, is a “dark overlay” to the facilitation of our natural strengths to shine and for our lives to be thriving. We can also be held back by clinical challenges like Depression or possibly a physical/medical or psychiatric disability that slows our progress and ambitions.
But we need to confront, head on, why we hold ourselves back from reaching our full potential. What holds us back from seeing or taking opportunities that are practically right there in front of us? Or letting others (such as therapists or coaches!) help us, or “shying away” from what know we need to do.
I’ve discussed this in earlier blog articles and podcast episodes on what I call Approach/Avoidance. We want to move forward, confidently, but then we can shy away or sabotage ourselves, or procrastinate, so that what we “say” we want doesn’t happen.
We fail to do social/community/professional networking with our peers, colleagues, and mentors. We fail to take chances that are reasonable, calculated risks. We fail to simply ask others for what we want (bosses, partners, friends). Instead, we need to evoke in ourselves a strengthening, embracing, and expressing the “masculine” qualities of discipline, drive, and determination, like an army.
These masculine qualities have gotten a bad name from sick factions of our history and our world that take positive masculine traits and corrupt them, such as the “confidence” of how the Nazis were trained to have pride, confidence, and strength, but that was used to such horrific purposes. Or the camaraderie and brotherhood of groups like the Proud Boys in America, but who used those powers to undermine and nearly overthrow our democracy and install a Fascist dictatorship instead. That is the epitome of “Toxic Masculinity.” But we also have to remember “Positive Masculinity,” and values like bravery, determination, focus, drive, and confidence.
In so much of my work with clients, we are battling a whole list of what I call “unconscious barriers” to our own progress, and our own success. We have inner conflicts that make us take two steps forward, but then one step back, even without hitting snags that are outside of us, outside of our control (even though these can be there). But I’ve also found, observed, for myself and with clients, that it’s often not the outside barriers that are the ultimate obstruction to getting what we want. It’s inside us. By FAR.
Let’s look at this list of “unconscious barriers” that I’ve been able to glean over 30 years of practice. Let’s also look at a “coping strategy” to overcome each one.
They are (in no particular order)
- self-doubt
- feeling like we are not deserving
- fear of “betraying” our parents with our own success
- fear of being “seen” or “exposed”, introversion
- fear of being perceived as some “rich/muscle-head/greedy/cocky douche”
- fear of not having something left to dream for afterward (if we fulfill our Bucket List, do we then just kick the bucket, or do we add to the list?)
- fear of humiliation of failure (“no effort is worth it if it’s not going to succeed”)
- fear of effort exhaustion/overwhelm
- fear of “bucking” expectations of teachers and peers and “going against type” of what they all expected or predicted for us
- cultural pressures for “modesty” and avoiding Conspicuous Consumption
- professional (“toxic”) competition, and the culture of our professional chosen field as it defines success or failure (what is a successful bricklayer? What is a successful stock broker?)
Now, let’s look at some techniques for helping to cope with, reduce, or eliminate these barriers from a Cognitive-Behavioral or Positive Psychology perspective:
- Self-doubt: For this, we use cognitive reframing from doubt to humble confidence. We re-examine whoever told us that we “can’t” do something, or that we are not good enough, or smart enough, or rich enough, or connected enough, and give ourselves the benefit of the doubt by changing our thinking from “I can’t do this” to “I don’t know if I can do this, because I haven’t done it yet, but I think I can, or I can learn or get help to, and this is important to me, so I’m going to rally myself and rally help from others and try.”
- Being deserving: Feeling like we are not “deserving” of something assumes that there is some Judge, Jury, and Executioner standing by judging that. But there isn’t. No one’s there. No one cares. You are as deserving as anyone else. It’s not a contest. You don’t have to earn being deserving of having a good life; it’s a birthright that’s always been there. New Age author Louise Hay did a great speech that’s on YouTube and also a CD available on HayHouse.com about “Prosperity.” She says that we need to embrace the belief that “life is here for us.” In Cognitive Therapy, we talk about the classic Cognitive Distortions of thought and the thought Fallacies that many people fall into; they have researched the most common ones, such as in the work of CBT pioneer Aaron Beck, MD. One of these is challenging what’s called the ”Fallacy of Heaven’s Reward,” which is an historically Puritanical belief that we toil and suffer in this world, only to receive our Reward in Heaven in the afterlife if we behave ourselves. Instead, we can believe that “heaven” is on Earth; it is the gift of the life we have. It’s right here, like a lump of clay to model or a blank canvas to paint with our own tools. It’s understanding that being “deserving” is not exploitive of others or asserting that you deserve more than others in a way that gets close to being Narcissistic, but it’s the self-compassion of allowing others and ourselves to “have;” it’s not a zero sum game, where someone has to lose in order for another to win, us or them, kill or be killed, winner/loser. Conservative religious people who are viciously anti-gay and who want to restrict legal rights or punish us for who we are get into this, even as they have all their own rights already. It’s like saying, “It’s not enough that I have enough to eat; I must also watch you starve, because I’m better than you, and you deserve punishment for that.” That’s sadistic. Compassion starts with ourselves, and we fight only when we need to defend ourselves or stop others from hurting us, or those we care about. That’s the Wonder Woman approach: she deflects bullets from the bad guys; she doesn’t shoot the guns. Neither does Batman. They might knock them out of your hands and pick up and toss you across the room, but they don’t instigate the problem. We are deserving because life is here for us, but it’s for others, too. We all can do this. Louise Hay said it’s like we all stand on the shore by the sea and collect “our share” of water. If we have a cup, or a bucket, or a thimble of water to collect, there’s enough for everyone, and there’s no way we are going to run that ocean dry.
- Betraying our Parents – This isn’t true for all families, because some parents want their children to succeed, and will make sacrifices for them to. But in the case of Narcissistic parents, who “compete” with their own children and don’t want them to succeed beyond what they achieved, this feeling can get instilled in their children. We might feel guilty because we earn more than Mom or Dad ever did, or we live in a better house, or travel more, or achieve notoriety. We have to allow for there to be changes in the generations, and break away and make our own way. Our parents didn’t do everything their parents wanted them to do, either, or their parents above them; the apple falls from the tree in every generation. Television’s modern classic “Downton Abbey” touched on this, by writer Julian Fellowes. His character of the wise and wise-cracking dowager, “Violet,”, the legendary British actress Maggie Smith, saw a young woman character in a then-modern 1920’s dress and her parents were horrified at the style, and knew that Violet, her great-aunt, would be mortified – and she wasn’t. When she saw the girl wearing the “outrageous” new fashion of dress, she recalled her own rebellious youth and the fashion at that time: “Well, I wore the crinoline and the mutton sleeve; I am no position to criticize.” History and economics change in the country and in the generations, especially with the rapid acceleration of technology. We can succeed more than anyone else in our family, and still honor them. If they came from hardship, we are under no obligation to repeat that tradition. In fact, we should try not to repeat it!
- Fear of Being Seen – If we are naturally introverted, or even have Social Anxiety (which is the fear of negative evaluation by others in social situations), we might avoid our own potential because we are ambivalent about how “seen” we want to be, from being a social media influencer to staying “behind the scenes” as a silent partner like an investor, or author. But we can achieve a lot and still take actions to protect our privacy, safety, and comfort. Even Hollywood stars can be world famous and still maintain privacy if they are generally shy. I had a brief internship at the classic sitcom, the gay-iconic “The Golden Girls,” and Bea Arthur, known to be the tough, no-nonsense character of Dorothy, and before that, the title character as the outrageous, tough-cookie, “Maude,” was very shy about the public; not so much in character, but as herself, for personal appearances, that really unnerved her. Classic Hollywood actress Greta Garbo was known for being a recluse. Many well-known faces are actually people who want to achieve, with their face on TV or movie screens everywhere, but they avoid being seen personally. If they can do it at that level, we can, too. We can trust that we can achieve without sacrificing our privacy for ever after.
- Fear of Being a Rich Douche – Some people hold themselves back from achieving lots of things because they don’t want to be seen as arrogant. They see too many examples of the bombastic, overly-confident, bellicose douchebag who runs roughshod over the rights and dignity of other people. On some level, we can believe that if we never achieve much, we never have to be accused of such off-putting behavior. But we need to understand that character and achievement are different variables; there are bad successful/rich people and good successful/rich people; it’s not the economics or the Socio-Economic Status of the person, it’s the character of the person. Elon Musk is an exploitive, obnoxious oligarch who repels people with his arrogant personality and harsh policies, but he’s wealthy. Dolly Parton is a supremely talented, good-natured, generous philanthropist who is also a multi-millionaire. Both rich people, but of different character entirely. We can allow ourselves to succeed in all kinds of ways without sacrificing our values in the process. Go ahead and go for it; it’s very likely not going to go to your head, and if it does, then hopefully you have a good friend you trust who will tell you to take it down a notch, Gurlfriend!
- Fear of Ending Our Bucket List – Some people are afraid to achieve because they fear they will run out of things to work, wish, and hope for, and then where will they be? But, as the musical, “Sunset Boulevard” says, there will always be “new ways to dream” and new mountains to climb. If we achieve a lot and check off all the items on our Bucket List, if we are that lucky, well, then, don’t just kick the bucket, add new items to the Bucket List. We will all probably leave this life with some items still unchecked on our Bucket List, but completing it is not the object of the game as much as working on it and enjoying the process.
- Fear of Humiliation or Failure – Sometimes, holding ourselves back means that we don’t even attempt something, small or large, especially large, because we have this fear that we will be, or feel, humiliated if we somehow “fail” at it. But how do we define “failure?” Cognitively, we must reframe this to accept that “failure” is just a learning tool for refining our approach; we always “succeed” in learning something from the experience. There’s a saying: there is no “no”, there are just different pathways to getting to “yes.” Others can’t “humiliate” us because we control our actions, we know our worth, we don’t owe critics or naysayers anything, whether it’s to succeed or fail; we are not beholden to others’ judgements, as they don’t have “legal standing” or actual/implied “authority” for that. If something is worth doing, it’s worth doing badly, as one mentor has said to me. Completion, not perfection, is another one. We must reframe “failure” from the catastrophic to the, meh, “annoyingly inconvenient but useful for redesigning our approach.”.
- Fear of Exhaustion – I know there are some who “don’t bother” pressing on for all they are potentially capable of due to a fear that hustling that hard is just too much damn work and is exhausting. Unfortunately, this is somewhat true. “Reaching our full potential”, however we define that, has to be balanced with a realistic expectation of ourselves, and others, and factoring in the humane necessity of self-care. Some people are satisfied with less – sometimes a lot less – if it means avoiding work. Early in my career, I worked with a homeless program where I met some people (rarely, but there) who would rather live in a cardboard box and drink all day than pursue any kind of recovery, mental health, or work to join the mainstream. Sometimes when I see guys who aren’t particularly “accomplished” in the traditional way, they’re not hustling, they’re not starving, they’re not knocking themselves out in the rat-race, I get a little envious. Some people love that. But as the song lyrics go, “That’s OK for some people, some hum-drum people, to be; but ‘some people’ ain’t me.” Instead, we need to trust that we will be ok even if we are taking on a lot of challenge and work; we will devise a self-care plan at every phase of our efforts (such as grad school), and it is possible to reach our full potential – or at least a great deal of it —while still living a good life and practicing boundaries and self-care.
- Fear of Bucking Expectations – If we do a “deeper” consideration of our unconscious mind, which is something we therapists do if we’re using the Psychodynamic school of thought for psychotherapy, we are exploring the deeper motivations and dynamics that might be driving us toward, or away from, a behavior. We can sometimes keep ourselves back from our full potential because on an unconscious level, we feel disloyal to our “former selves” and we feel like we want to “keep the peace” and hold everything as it “has always been” out of the sense of comfort we get from staying in our Comfort Zone and the familiar. But we make changes when we realize that maybe the “real us” was there all along and the “not successful” person was the one who was inauthentic. We “played it safe” and we “laid low” because we were afraid of doing or becoming something that others didn’t see, or didn’t want to see, in us. Sexual self-empowerment can be this way; maybe we’ve always been kinky all along, left to our own interests, but we shied away from that to meet family, church, or societal “expectations” or “obligations” we had to play the role we were put in. But if we cognitively challenge this, we realize that we owe those who underestimated us nothing but perhaps a smug satisfaction and retroactive satisfaction that comes with proving them wrong. Sometimes, “living well is the best revenge” when it comes to showing that people in our past who bullied, ignored, devalued, invalidated, or dismissed us were both mean and just factually incorrect in treating us that way. We live to achieve to prove them wrong. That ought not to be our primary motivation, but it is an added bonus to correct the injustice of them trying to impose oppression upon us. There gets to be a bit of “healthy haughtiness” in our “rebuttal to their erroneous assessment.”
- Pressure of Cultural Modesty – Worldwide, different cultures define success differently (such as America’s “conspicuous consumption” and “nouveau riche” trappings, versus some of the more progressive countries like Spain, where there is some cultural pressure to be more modest and not flaunt wealth, which is considered by many to be in poor taste). Anyone who doesn’t have societal privilege – race, class, sexual orientation, appearance, connections, and certainly gender – has been cultivated to lay off and “serve” others with the “superior” traits. We can be nice, gracious, non-exploitive people and still be successful, especially as we define it. All cultures have a “loophole” for success, even if the styles of expression might differ. And Louise Hay would call that “prosperity” or “abundance thinking” to assert that we can do all kinds of interesting and fun and nice things without ever getting into exploiting others; lots of people have done this and have disproved the idea that you have to be exploitive of others to get ahead.
- Toxic Competition/How our Field Defines Success – Several of my clients have discussed workplace topics such as “toxic competition” such as being undermined by a colleague or a competitor; having someone else take credit for our work, or, as I have experienced a lot, competitors plagiarizing original intellectual property and claiming it for their own, with very little alteration. (Someone might come out with material very similar to this in a few weeks; it’s been done many times before.) But we our colleagues or competitors nothing but integrity; it is not our job to “let them go ahead” in their unethical means; it’s a game, and that game is open to everyone, to be at their best. Some professions validate under-handed tactics (such as sales), others (such as my field, social work) look down on “success” as “betraying” the Less Fortunate and that “to help means to starve/martyr”, while doctors and nurses “make a living while making a difference”. Other fields don’t define success as anything but the quite excessive. The definition of “success” is very subjective, and can change with the times, cultural influences, historical influences, generational influences, quite a bit. But it’s how we define success that will be really important to us now, and certainly in later life when we reflect on how we’ve spent this lifetime.
CULTIVATING SUPPORT
There are probably many more considerations on something as broad as “reaching your full potential.” This might be personal, professional, financial, athletic, social, or civic impact. But these are a discussion of some that will help get you started on reflecting which of these troublesome dynamics you identify with, and which one (or ones) are holding you back.
To embrace the concept of Lifelong Learning, and Continuous Growth, we often need to identify and let go of our Limiting Beliefs, that we might have had a long time, and embrace a Growth Mindset, which is open to all of us, not just some.
For gay men, we achieve by overcoming the trauma that Alan Downs discusses in his classic book, “The Velvet Rage.” We need to reclaim our personal power if it – or parts of it – have been lost to the societal pressures and minority stress gay men face, worldwide.
We need continuous support from our own internal resources, like confidence, drive, determination, and resilience, and we need to skillfully recruit support from an army of others. Expanding our full potential is a process, not an event, especially for simultaneous OR sequential goals. This can take a long time, but “getting there is half the fun.”
We cultivate and nurture our interpersonal support systems (personal and professional) for as long as we have new challenges to overcome, or new/rewarding goals we have set out to achieve.
If you’d like to “cultivate support” for the goals you have to unfurl your potential, consider therapy (if you’re in California) or coaching (in the United States or around the world).
For more information about my podcast, “Gay Therapy LA with Ken Howard, LCSW, CST” the best way is the URL: https://glow.fm/gaytherapylawithkenhowardlcswcst/
Here, you can decide if you’d like to become a supporter of the show, and give whatever value you can, or that you feel you’re getting out of the show.
Consider also my Special Offer for the “Reaching Your Full Potential” in the New Year session package. This is a ten-session package where we discuss what you have set for yourself as goals for the new year, to make this one the best year yet! Email or call/text for details. Let’s “move the needle forward” for you this year.
Email is Ken@GayTherapyLA.com, for therapy, or Ken@GayCoachingLA.com, for coaching. You can also call/text 310-339-5778 (plus an 01 if you’re outside the US), for more information.
Let’s see what we could do, together.
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