Over my long (32 years) career in being a gay men’s specialist therapist, one of the most frequent reasons guys reach out to me to schedule a session is because they are dealing with the emotionally awful aftermath of the breakup of a relationship. This kind of loss is especially painful; there are feelings often of shock, bewilderment, anger, frustration, and a deep sense of grief and loss.
I help guys with this situation to heal and overcome, with many approaches that seem to work well reliably, but they have to be customized to each person. Over my long career, working with hundreds of gay men who have experienced the loss of a relationship, I’ve been able to observe what kinds of approaches help guys to recover from this painful process of a breakup best, and I’ve also observed how there can be maladaptive, self-sabotaging reactions to a breakup.
Today, I’d like to share with you much of how that process works, and offer some guidance on how you can take care of yourself in this situation. Here are the actions I recommend:
1. Take in the news. In mindfulness, we just “take in” the present, without rushing to react to it, judge it, analyze it, or change it. If you get the news of a breakup from someone via an in-person meeting, a phone call, a Zoom meeting, a text message, or a Post-It note, take it in. And, understand that the decision is very very likely to be final (another article and podcast episode deal with if and how to get back together with an ex).
2. Initiate your own emotional first aid. Do find a place to be alone for a little while to collect your thoughts. Don’t be reactionary or impulsive, especially with ideas to act out in anger and rage against him, yourself, or someone else. Take the time to process the information enough that you can engage “affect regulation” of what you’re feeling.
3. Understand possible psychological interpersonal dynamics: If you must start analyzing about how or why this has happened, there are a few common reasons behind someone breaking up with you. First could just be his “anxious-avoidant attachment style,” where the “emotional proximity” of being in a relationship triggers his Fear of Engulfment or a certain Castration Anxiety that being in a relationship means a catastrophic loss of autonomy and feeling trapped, with you, or anyone. It’s an irrational fear, but that doesn’t stop it from happening sometimes. Many/most fears are irrational compared to their actual risk. Another aspect could be Fear of Commitment, which is often an emotionally immature person who thinks that commitment is like a cage or a straitjacket instead of a wonderful opportunity to have something great. Sometimes, it’s a Fear of Abandonment; a part of them is so afraid of being emotionally abandoned (like maybe their parent, a former partner was) that they “break up before they can be broken up with,” and beat them to the punch. He could also have low self-esteem, and “having a good relationship” is something he deep down feels he doesn’t “deserve” and must therefore flee so that he maintains the familiar-but-sad outlook that he is “not good enough” for the good things in life, like a good partner. Another probably unconscious reason for breaking up could be they are anxious about a previously-undisclosed trauma, and they are not ready to make themselves emotionally available to another unless and until they have processed the trauma and come to some kind of healing or resolution. Another reason might be that the guy is not wanting to repeat his parents’ or a past relationship dynamic; avoiding situations in a relationship that they don’t like (being controlled, being abused, being bored, being frustrated). Some guys break up because they are responding to a sense of exaggerated safety, where if they observed (such as their parents) or experienced domestic violence in the past, they see avoiding relationships as their only true way of staying safe. We might not ever know which one it is, or combination of reasons, but these are the behaviors that would very likely prompt someone to flee the emotional anxiety they are experiencing by being in a relationship with you, or possibly anyone. Or, they could just be not attracted to you, emotionally/socially or sexually. This does not mean you are unlovable or unattractive; it just means that you didn’t meet his emotional/interpersonal and/or sexual needs, and he needs and wants someone else to try and do that.
Breakups can also involve psychological or psychiatric disability. Those on the Autism Spectrum can certainly have difficulty with interpersonal relationships, and they might break them off prematurely if they get overwhelmed coping with them. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder might not be able to humble themselves enough to tolerate the “give-and-take” relationships require, or they think they’re “too good” to compromise, or that they can “always find someone better” in their eyes. People who are too clinically depressed to tolerate a relationship might break up in the context of other kinds of social withdrawal. People with Antisocial Personality Disorder might not be capable of empathy that relationships take. People with ADD might be too “distracted” to “settle down.” People with OCD might flee a relationship before their partner “finds out” about their symptoms that they can’t hide forever, and they leave before facing that kind of perceived shame. People with Avoidant Personality Disorder or Schizoid Personality Disorder might have a habitual avoidance of relationships before they get uncomfortably close. We might not ever know for sure, but when we’re trying to process and make sense of “why” the breakup happened, all of these scenarios could be contributing to their decision.
Even somewhat superficial ones like he thought the sex was boring with you, or that you’re not “ambitious enough” for him, or “successful” enough (aka, rich) for him. As maddeningly superficial as these “reasons” can sound, they certainly happen. Possibly more frequently than the other ones we’ve considered.
4. Beware of making “and therefore” permanent changes to your Self-Schema. One thing definitely not to do is to make “new rules” for yourself that are a permanent burden or self-sabotage, based on this one relationship experience. Don’t “go back to women” unless you are truly bisexual. Don’t “declare yourself unlovable” and withdraw from dating altogether. Don’t take an outlook that “men are pigs” and adopt a cynical, defeated outlook. Aaron Beck, the psychologist who founded Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, said that depression comes when we have consistent (unrelenting) negative thoughts about ourselves, the world, or our future. If you allow negative thoughts in the aftermath of a breakup to change your self-concept for the worse, or make you cynical about the state of the world, or declare for yourself an inevitable grim future as a result of this experience, you could be risking a Depression that goes beyond the normal grief and loss period after a breakup. The very hard, negative feelings in the aftermath of a breakup are, thankfully, inherently temporary. You will heal. You will not be as upset about this breakup exactly 3.5 years from now as you are now; it’s the nature of these feelings to heal and subside, but it takes patience.
5. Understand the Kubler-Ross Stages. Consistently in my practice, whether it’s a breakup or another form of bereavement, grief, or loss, I see evidence of Five Stages of Grief that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross coined: Denial. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. While any theory can be pilloried for academic discourse, including this one, I’ve found it useful. Most guys facing a breakup go through these very predictable stages, although they are usually not linear or even in a certain sequence, but alternating. And if you know to expect them, it can take the sting out of them. Denial is a psychological defense mechanism that puts distance between you and the bad news; it anesthetizes feelings long enough for you to function, putting the event out of your mind so that you avoid it overwhelming you and rendering you unable to socially function. But the reality is that it did happen, and denial is considered a primitive, not-very-useful, and ultimately temporary response. Anger is certainly common, because you might be experiencing the Abandonment Rage; “How dare he? Doesn’t he know who I am? What kind of an idiot leaves me high and dry like this?” But the fact is, people each have the right to enter or exit a relationship at any time. You’re not entitled to his undying love, unless he is a willing and committed partner, but there is no law that says he has to be (although grounds for a legal divorce to be granted by the courts used to require a Damn Good Reason for it, and still do in some places). Bargaining is a common defense mechanism, because we try to “enter negotiations” with the breakup news. “Maybe this isn’t a breakup, it’s just a temporary separation.” “Maybe he was being hasty, and maybe he’ll come back.” Your arguments with the situation are not likely to succeed, and we have to accept the sometimes humiliating and helpless situation that is, especially if we are high-functioning people who are really not used to not having our way with a lot, and are not used to feeling helpless. Depression is the other side of anger, where there is the Abandonment Depression, of “Oh, I guess he left because I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve a guy that good, so it’s no wonder he left.” A breakup can make you feel that the joy in everything in Life has drained away, but that’s an illusion. The things outside of your relationship that were good, fun, rewarding, and valuable still hold. Acceptance is often the last stage, or perhaps an intermittent one, when we get “glimpses” of feeling of acceptance and peace that the breakup has happened and life goes on. We don’t want to rush ourselves to a premature or superficial Acceptance; that comes only after having processed all our feelings about the situation.
6. Thinking/Speaking/Writing. To discharge strong feelings, especially strong negative feelings, we all need modes of expression. Thinking might include doing Mindfulness meditation, or reflecting. We might reflect on what we will miss about the relationship, and also actually what we won’t miss; no one is perfect, and when the good stuff goes away, the bad stuff does, too. But thinking is not always our friend; it’s important to recognize and avoid when you are perseverating, ruminating, or brooding on what’s happened. If you find yourself doing that, move your body. Get active. Get “out of your own head” and realize there more to your life than him. There always is, even in the best of relationships, which is something people forget sometimes in relationships. Speaking is an expression that can help; to supportive family, friends, and, of course, a therapist or coach. Writing about your experience can be a catharsis, getting your feelings “up and out” from your gut, releasing them from holding on to them, discharging traumatic thoughts through journaling or any of the Expressive Therapies – prose, poetry, art, or music (especially listening or writing song lyrics that validate what you’re feeling through the imagery of song lyrics). Cher’s “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me,” by Diane Warren, is one of my favorites.
7. Identify your support system of personal and professional figures. No one can (or should) face a breakup alone. Sure, it was your relationship loss, but company doubles our joys and divides our sorrows. Social Workers like me emphasize that for whatever challenges we have in life, we activate our social support system. I see these as concentric circles around you. There is a professional ring, such as your therapist, maybe a medical provider who prescribes you something like a sleep aid for the short term, or a hair stylist who makes you feel good about yourself by giving you a good haircut. Then there is the personal ring, the cadre of people whom you rely on to provide emotional support, which can be relatives, friends, even co-workers or neighbors. This is why it’s important to not neglect your friends when you get a boyfriend; you might need those friends if the relationship ends!
8. Go to the gym! Cliché as it might sound, getting out of your head and getting moving with your body can be an enormous help. Physical movement helps regulate our heart functioning, lung functioning, blood pressure, hormones, sleep, circulation, and metabolism. When these vital processes are at their best, they can help with our emotional and psychological well-being, too.
9. Engage with the gay men’s community. Guys who have experienced a breakup are at a terrible risk for their vulnerability to internalized homophobia to spike. Because this gay relationship, or this gay man, caused you grief, does not and should not extrapolate to the entire gay men’s community. If you’ve had a “bad gay experience,” you need to re-engage in the gay men’s community in good and rewarding ways. Join something gay-related in Meetup.com, such as board games night or a book club or hiking group. Volunteer for an LGBT advocacy organization. Mentor or support a fellow gay male peer in the community, especially someone extra vulnerable or from a disenfranchised group. Expose yourself to good experiences that challenge this idea that all gay men are rubbish because one of them happened to just hurt you very badly.
10. Divide-up the friends: his/yours/shared. Be prepared for your interpersonal and social relationships to change outside of your relationship with your ex. Who gets the friends? Which people you “used to know” you might not see much of because they are “his” friends? Which friends are really yours, historically, that you can lean on and rely on for peer social support? Which friends did you and your ex share that you can continue to share, as long as neither one of you are pressuring them to “take sides?”
11. Bring critical thinking to social media platforms. More recently in history, breakups have had a close relationship to social media. Changing your “status” from “in a relationship” or “it’s complicated” to “single” can be a social media rite-of-passage. Avoid the impulse to “block” him on every platform to try to punish him with isolation away from you. If he just broke up with you, he’s probably not going to be obsessed with your social media; if he wanted photos of you, he could have kept you in person. Be resistant to the impulse to “trash” him in retaliation – even subtly – in posts or comments (most guys are not being nearly as subtle as they think they are about this; people know that vague negative statement like “beware: gaslighting is real” is probably about your ex. Also, in an emotionally vulnerable state for any reason, beware of additional, “unnecessary” exposure to bad news and stress from the media. Remember, that’s how media makes its money; “if it bleeds, it leads.” As much as you might want to be a responsible, informed civic member of society, the news can wait until you’re established a critical mass of emotional first aid for your own.
12. Bring it all to therapy. Like I said, a breakup is one of the most frequent reasons I start to see new clients. Because this recovery is a difficult process, and bringing all your thoughts and feelings and reactions to a professional setting with someone who has helped guys just like you with this literally hundreds of times, can help. I know where the land mines are buried, and I can give you a map to avoid them. I can also listen when you just need to be heard. I can also empathize when you just need to hurt. Therapy can be the place to take your feelings when you might overwhelm even your most understanding of friends just with the magnitude of what you’re going through. They also don’t know how to help or what to say as much.
13. Make time for “me time”. One challenge of being in a relationship is that you can’t just think of yourself anymore; you have to have at least some “accountability” and even compromise, in exchange for having someone who would jump on a grenade for you. It’s a bargain at twice the price. However, after a breakup, you get to indulge yourself. It’s not about the “we” anymore; it reverts back to the “I,” and you don’t have to make comprises or consider a partner’s feelings; you can do whatever you want, and that can feel luxuriously self-indulgent and liberating.
14. Negotiate the “post-relationship relationship”. If you do have continued contact with your ex, because you share friends, or you share owning property together, or you co-parent children, or you have “joint custody” of a pet, you have to negotiate the “Post-Relationship Relationship” that you have with this person. Who they are to you existentially changes, from partner/spouse to “ex”, and, if you’re lucky, “friend.” But even friends have boundaries, expectations, and parameters of the friendship. And, there is no obligation to be friends with an ex if you wouldn’t be friends with them otherwise. Some guys don’t want to be friends with an ex because it’s too emotionally painful, or sexually frustrating, or impractical because you don’t need more friends because you don’t have time enough to see the friends you already have. Don’t agree to anything that doesn’t feel right for you; it’s OK for your ex to be a stranger, or “just somebody that you used to know.” But you also don’t have to badmouth him and perform voodoo curse rituals, either: some guys make lousy boyfriends but excellent friends in the platonic sense. Let yourself have the post-relationship relationship that both of you collaborate together, and if others don’t understand, it’s none of their business. If a new boyfriend comes your way, you might have to just discuss that you have a close friend who used to be an ex, but he’s not a threat, and explain why.
15. Prepare what to say if you see him “out”. Most guys after breakups dread running into their ex within the local area or especially gay men’s environments, like a bar, club, fundraiser, sex club, or orgy. Think about what you want to say, if anything, to an ex that you run into without planning or expecting to. Rehearse the phrase in your mind so you don’t have to think about it if you turn the corner at a house party and there he is. A simple smile and nod might suffice. Or, “Hi, John, nice to see you,” while you keep moving. Or, if you do have a conversation over the buffet table, stick to the kind of small talk you might say at the office holiday party. “Nice to see you. Been good? What have you been up to? Oh, Paris? That sounds nice. Hope it was fun.” And disclose very judiciously; don’t “confess” new feelings or attempt to guilt or punish him, or seek revenge by gloating or bragging: “Hey, you see that hot guy over there? He’s a 22 year old fitness model and he’s my date tonight. We’re going to Tulum together next week for two weeks. He sold his startup and he’s a millionaire now.” Just, no. And if you really feel you must contact your ex to see him to have some kind of “closure meeting,” ask him. But be very – very clear on why you’re wanting this. If it’s for a benevolent closure before you can move on, making peace and saying a proper goodbye, fine. But if it’s to challenge his decision, or charm him, or guilt him, or seduce him into coming back, don’t do it. Really look at your motives. Many times, your motives just aren’t pure enough to request a closure meeting except if you want to negotiate the post-relationship relationship or if you have to discuss ways your lives are entangled, especially financially or when the well-being of others is involved (children, pets). Many times, we have to live with the fact that we might not never understand fully why the breakup happened, just that it did, and it’s time to move on.
16. Evaluate the relationship. When you’re really ready – probably only after some time (and some initial therapy) has passed, if you’re brave, you might want to reflect on and evaluate the relationship. What can you learn from it? What would you have done differently, if anything? Remember, what might have made the previous relationship work better might not translate to your next relationship, because that will be a new guy, with a new personality and background and culture and values. If your ex didn’t like your dumb jokes, maybe the next guy will find them fun and amusing. What different behavior did you want of him, in retrospect? Is any of that applicable to your next relationship – or not?
17. Focus on Re-invention of the Self – The time after a breakup is a time when I often see what I call in gay men the “Personal Renassiance”. Guys get a new look to their hair or wardrobe. They get promoted at work. They redecorate or move their home. They relocate. They open their own business. After the initial grief has passed, it can be a time of liberation and exciting change that might have been long overdue when you were in your relationship. Maybe your ex was somehow “holding you back” and now that impediment is gone and you’re free to go for it, leaving you with a more clear perspective on yourself that helps you to be more authentic in your next relationship, and more emotionally available to them.
18. Pamper Yourself – If you go through the emotional difficulty of a breakup, you kind of have some self-pampering coming to you. Treat yourself. Take a vacation. Buy something fun (within reason). You have to balance the crappy parts of life with the fun parts, as life is generally made up of challenges and rewards throughout the lifespan.
19. Beware of Maladaptive Coping Strategies. Resist a sometimes strong temptation when you’re feeling bad in the aftermath of a breakup to say “fuck it” and indulge in anesthetizing and self-medicating with excessive drinking, drugs, mechanical/undesired sex, overwork, self-isolation, impulsive urges to flee, an urge for revenge, or what “seems like” a self-protective “withdrawal” and hibernating from the world. Listen to Jerry Herman’s song from “Hello, Dolly!”, called “Before the Parade Passes By,” which is about a widow deciding to re-enter life after the death of her husband (the late Jerry Herman being a gay, long-term HIV survivor).
20. But: let yourself have sex and even date – soon! Remind yourself that you don’t necessarily need to wait to date and/or have sex again. There is no “required, proper” waiting period for this; it’s up to you. An episode of “The Golden Girls” featured a conversation among the ladies about how long they waited to date after their divorce (Dorothy) or being widowed (Blanche). When Dorothy asks Blanche how long she waited, feisty Sophia pipes up, “Til the paramedics came!” It’s all up to you.
21. Utilize affirming music. When you need that emotional first aid, consider other supportive music. Another Jerry Herman show tune, this time from his own favorite Broadway score, as legend goes, was from his relative flop, “Mack and Mabel,” called “Time Heals Everything.” It’s kind of a sad song, but sometimes listening to those can validate your feelings and facilitate emotional catharsis. “This Nearly Was Mine,” from “South Pacific” is another one. “Romantic Notions” from the fairly obscure 80s musical, “Romance/Romance” is another one that validates the fond wish for things to be different than they are. You get the idea. Find the music you know might be timely and validating, and let your emotions process through hearing the lyrics.In “The Wizard of Oz,” when Dorothy says goodbye to the Tin Man before her ruby slippers take her home to Kansas, he tearfully tells her, “Now I know I have a heart. Because it’s breaking.” It’s life. Sometimes, we have heartache. That makes us human. That makes a capable of love. We all tend to face it, either through a breakup (or more), or, ultimately, widowhood, even in some of the longest relationships. History gives us all kinds of barfy-sweet cliches bout this that have prompted prose and poetry for centuries: “It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” This can be a cold comfort, but in that phrase, sometimes the emphasis needs to just be on the “comfort.”
If you would like support for your own breakup, or if you have a friend who does, consider therapy (if you’re in a California, where I’m licensed) or Life Coaching (everywhere else, worldwide). Sessions are available on Zoom, Monday through Friday, in the Los Angeles/Pacific Time Zone.More ways you can access my content include from my 2013 book, “Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!”, available on Amazon or Lulu.com, and stay tuned for my upcoming e-course series, which can be a more affordable option if full sessions aren’t possible, on a variety of topics supporting gay men’s mental health and well-being. More news is coming on those courses, currently being developed.You can reach me via email at Ken@GayCoachingLA.com, or via phone or WhatsApp at 310-339-5778. I’d be happy to help.
