Open Relationship and Consensual Non-Monogamy Ground Rules: Who What When Where Why?
Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is often more common in gay male relationships than discussed, yet it still carries complexities and challenges. As a psychotherapist with 32 years of experience specializing in working with gay men (as individuals, couples, or polycules), I’ve observed how CNM can help stabilize long-term relationships, allowing partners to explore sexual interests while maintaining emotional security. Therapy plays a crucial role in helping couples or polycules develop ground rules that work for them, ensuring their relationships are built on trust, communication, and mutual respect.
Over my long career as a gay men’s specialist, I’ve seen hundreds of gay male relationships navigate these issues. I have a certification from a one-year course on “Consensual Non-Monogamy and Polyamorous Families” from the Sexual Health Alliance (SHA) taught by Dr. Eli Sheff. I taught a course on couples therapy for graduate Master of Social Work (MSW) students at the University of Southern California, on how different schools of therapy models can help couples with many issues, including some in CNM. I’ve also had personal experience navigating these questions in my own life as a gay man and my observation of personal friends and professional colleagues, and how they address this.
CNM is a well-known controversial topic, and the emotions can run high in its discussion, among laypeople, but even among therapists, who can sometimes vehemently discourage any relationship style that is not monogamous. Even the grand elders of Couples Therapy such as Drs. John and Julie Gottman and their extensive research on couples, or Dr. Sue Johnson of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) have been outspoken critics of any non-monogamous relationships, which reflect conservative Orthodox Jewish values, or a certain heterosexism that avoids understanding the cultural dynamics of specifically gay men’s relationships. Our world in general is somewhat culturally biased against CNM and tends to validate only monogamous relationships, even among gay men, as legitimate, such as their depiction in movies and television. Rarely, if ever, is a gay male relationship portrayed in the media as successfully navigating Consensual Non-Monogamy, and yet research shows about half of them are.
There can be cultural impediments to CNM that aren’t even conscious: Religious influence from our Family of Origin, expectations and pressures related to traditional Gender Role Stereotypes, pressures that are related to Socio-Economic Status or social class, Appearance Privilege, Lifestyle issues (such as how often one travels, especially long distances), expectations related to Age, or age of relationship duration, our National History (such as the underlying sexually conservative Puritan influence in the history of the United States), and a general stigma that can accompany CNM, leading many people to feel they need to keep it a secret or they might lose social respect (such as the controversy around Will Smith and Jada Pinkett, or Monique, in entertainment news). Sex researcher Justin Lehmiller, PhD, in his book, “Tell Me What You Want,” a book that studied about 4,000 people on their sexual fantasies, notes that one survey judged people in CNM relationships as being “more likely to cheat on their taxes” or to “shoplift”, which reveals that cultural stigma. We even have lots of examples online in other articles and discussions of this where we find “gay men policing other gay men” with strong opinions that criticize or vilify CNM with a passion.
In this article, I’ll guide you through the framework of “who, what, when, where, and why” to help you better understand CNM and how therapy can assist in creating ground rules that foster both independence and connection.
Who: Defining Who is Involved
One of the first and most critical aspects of opening a relationship is identifying who the outside partners can be (or, not be). Whether it’s casual encounters or more structured parallel relationships (with, for a example, an outside f— buddy, paramour, boyfriend), defining boundaries around who is acceptable—or not—helps avoid misunderstandings and emotional discomfort.
In therapy, we’ll explore questions like:
- Who are the partners allowed to be? Should they be people you both know or complete strangers?
- Who might create emotional discomfort? This could involve people from within your social circles or professional networks.
- Who must not be considered? Maybe certain individuals are off-limits for now, due to personal history or emotional sensitivity, or perhaps some kind of risk factor, like guys who are known to deliberately undermine relationships.
Understanding the dynamics of trust, security, and respect around other partners is a crucial part of opening up the relationship.
What: Establishing Safety and Boundaries
What activities are acceptable with outside partners, and how do you prioritize emotional and physical safety? These questions are key in maintaining the stability of your primary relationship while navigating non-monogamous experiences.
In therapy, we’ll discuss:
- Safer Sex Practices: How can you ensure sexual health is maintained? Regular STD screenings and discussions about PrEP and/or condom use are vital. Does the sexual activity involved fall within the parameters of the Six Principles of Sexual Health as Applied to Gay Men (which was another article I wrote, here).
- Interpersonal Safety: Emotional boundaries are as important as physical ones. What level of emotional involvement is appropriate with outside partners? For each of you, when does the connection to other guys become threatening or triggering for abandonment, and when is it rather unremarkable? Are there safety discussions such as how to manage situations that feel interpersonally unsafe, such as another person’s behavior or them acting erratically, being under the influence, or challenging consent boundaries?
- What stays between you two: Are there activities that should remain exclusive to the primary relationship (such as fluid exchange or riskier activities like kink/bondage play or substance use)?
Defining these “what” factors provides clarity, avoids confusion, and strengthens trust in your primary bond.
When: Managing Time and Prioritizing Your Primary Relationship
Time management is crucial in a CNM relationship, and, perhaps surprisingly, is one of the more common issues that gay men work with me on in therapy sessions, especially in these days of busy work lives and social lives.
When and how often outside encounters or relationships occur can have a significant impact on your primary relationship’s health. Therapy can help navigate this balance to avoid feelings of neglect or resentment, and keep the communication channels frank, safe, and clear.
Key questions we’ll tackle include:
- When is it acceptable? Is CNM limited to weekends or specific time frames, like vacations or work trips?
- How often is “too often”? Understanding each partner’s time commitments and emotional bandwidth is essential. Some guys have a “one to a customer” rule about not hooking up with the same outside guy twice, others like for their partner to have a steady outside “f— buddy”, especially if he also is in a relationship.
- How do you cope with “open, but not active”? Sometimes, despite having an open relationship, busy lives may limit time for outside encounters for both or just one of the partners, which can create an imbalance.
Setting up clear expectations around allocation of time helps ensure your primary relationship remains the priority while still giving each partner space for exploration.
Where: Creating Safe and Respectful Spaces
The “where” of CNM involves not only physical locations but also emotional and psychological spaces. Therapy can help couples define what spaces should remain exclusive to their relationship and how to navigate others.
Questions to consider:
- Where is the line drawn? Are there spaces, such as the family home or shared bed, that are off-limits for outside encounters?
- Should certain locations be avoided? This might include places where you have a high chance of running into friends or family, or areas that could be unsafe for CNM activities that might risk public exposure or risk of lewd conduct arrest.
- Use of technology for safety: How do you balance safety with privacy, such as using smartphone GPS locators or sharing location details with your partner?
Establishing these boundaries reinforces mutual respect and safety, ensuring both partners feel comfortable and secure in the arrangement.
Why: Understanding Your Motivation
Finally, understanding the reasons behind opening a relationship is critical. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the motivations driving CNM, whether they are emotional, sexual, or interpersonal.
- Why do you want to open the relationship? Is it about enhancing intimacy, exploring sexual curiosity, or fostering emotional growth?
- What are the benefits to the primary relationship? CNM can offer a way to manage sexual variety while still providing emotional and domestic stability, especially for the long term.
- Is CNM being considered because one partner is sick, or injured? Is it being considered because of a prolonged separation due to a work assignment or to provide caretaking for a sick relative? Is it a product of a developmental phase, such as Midlife, and one or both partners feel a need for exploring and experimenting with their sexual expression? Is it to accommodate a sexual desire in one partner that the other partner can’t, or just doesn’t want, to provide (such as kink)?
- How do you balance getting your individual needs met with reasonable relationship sacrifices? We’ll explore how to strike a balance between meeting personal desires and ensuring that the relationship’s core emotional needs are met.
Understanding the “why” allows you to approach CNM from a place of mutual understanding and shared goals, ensuring that both partners feel heard and valued.
Why Therapy Matters
Whether you’re considering opening your relationship or seeking to improve your existing CNM dynamic, therapy can be an invaluable tool in navigating this journey. With my specialized experience helping gay men build rewarding relationships, I bring not only professional insight but also a deep understanding of the cultural, emotional, and practical challenges that come with designing your relationship structure.
Through therapy, I’ll help you create clear, effective ground rules that work for your relationship. We’ll address the personal and cultural obstacles—whether they stem from religious beliefs, societal pressures, or past relationship traumas—that may be influencing your approach to CNM. Together, we’ll foster communication, set boundaries, and ensure your relationship thrives on the terms you define that work for you, even if those arrangements might not work for other relationships.
If you’re ready to take the next step in strengthening your relationship, I invite you to explore the benefits of therapy in this journey. Let’s work together to create a dynamic that allows both security and freedom.
Reach out today to schedule a consultation and start building the relationship that works for you. Call or text 310-339-5778, or email Ken@GayTherapyLA.com for therapy services for California residents.
If you live outside of California, relationship coaching can also work with these kinds of situations, but in a different way. I can explain the differences between couples therapy and relationship coaching when we talk.
This is a stressful topic for a lot of gay relationships, but it gets easier when it all can be discussed in respectful, honest, compassionate ways, especially with someone who has helped gay relationships with this hundreds of times. I welcome any questions.
