Gay Conversion Therapy Survivors: What Was Done to You—and How It Still Affects You
For over 30 years, I have worked almost exclusively with gay men as a psychotherapist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist. Over that time, I have seen the long arc of how cultural stigma, bad science, and ideological pressure shape the inner lives of the men who come to me for help. One of the most damaging examples of this is what was called “conversion therapy”—a set of practices that were never grounded in legitimate clinical science, but were instead driven by social, political, and psychological forces that caused lasting harm.
Many men assume this is an issue from the past. It is not. The effects of conversion therapy continue to show up today in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, often long after the original experience has ended. If you have ever felt a persistent sense of shame about your sexuality, difficulty trusting your own desires, or a conflict between who you are and who you believe you are “supposed” to be, it is worth taking a closer look at where those patterns may have come from.
The Historical Context: How Conversion Therapy Took Hold
To understand conversion therapy, it is essential to place it in its proper historical context. These practices did not emerge from careful clinical observation or evidence-based research. They emerged during a time when homosexuality was widely stigmatized, pathologized, and feared.
Figures such as Joseph Nicolosi popularized the idea that same-sex attraction could be treated as a psychological disorder and potentially “repaired.” At the same time, broader cultural forces—represented by conservative activists like Phyllis Schlafly—were pushing back against social changes related to gender, sexuality, and identity. These influences created an environment in which the idea of “changing” one’s sexual orientation could be framed as both morally desirable and psychologically necessary.
This period also coincided with the AIDS crisis, which intensified public fear and further stigmatized gay men. Homosexuality became associated, in the cultural imagination, with illness and death. Within that context, conversion therapy was often marketed not simply as a moral correction, but as a path to safety—a way to escape stigma, avoid rejection, and align with a socially accepted identity. The promise was that by suppressing or transforming same-sex attraction, a person could achieve a stable, heterosexual life and avoid the consequences associated with being openly gay.
That promise was never grounded in reality. What it offered instead was a powerful illusion—one that came at a significant psychological cost.
What Conversion Therapy Was Actually Based On
To fully understand conversion therapy, it is not enough to evaluate it as a failed clinical method. It must also be understood as an expression of something else: a convergence of ideological rigidity, personal conflict, and, in some cases, a troubling willingness to subordinate the well-being of the client to the emotional or belief-based needs of the practitioner.
Figures like Joseph Nicolosi presented their work in the language of clinical sophistication. There were books, frameworks, and theories that gave the appearance of legitimacy. But when those premises are examined more closely, the foundation is not scientific so much as moralistic. The work begins with the assumption that homosexuality is a problem to be solved, and from that premise, the entire structure follows.
In some cases, it is difficult not to consider the role of personal investment—whether ideological, religious, or psychological—in sustaining these positions. While we cannot definitively analyze the internal motivations of any one individual, the intensity with which these practices were defended, even in the face of mounting evidence of harm, raises important questions about what was really being protected.
By the height of conversion therapy’s popularity, the harm was not subtle. Clients reported increased depression, anxiety, shame, and suicidality in consistent and repeated patterns. These were not isolated outcomes; they were well-documented consequences. And yet the practices continued, which moves the issue beyond ineffective treatment into something more serious: a violation of one of the most basic principles of clinical work—that the therapist’s role is to reduce suffering, not to reinforce it in the service of an external agenda.
The Psychological Effects That Often Remain
One of the most important things to understand is that conversion therapy does not simply “fail” and then disappear. Its effects can persist for years, shaping how a person thinks, feels, and relates to others.
Many of the men I work with describe a kind of internal split. On one level, they understand intellectually that being gay is not a problem. On another level, they still feel as though something about them is wrong, dangerous, or unacceptable. This can show up as difficulty trusting one’s own desires, anxiety around intimacy, or a tendency to second-guess emotional and relational instincts.
Others experience patterns of avoidance or overcompensation. Some withdraw from relationships out of fear of rejection or exposure, while others pursue connection in ways that feel disconnected or unsatisfying. In many cases, there is a lingering sense that closeness comes with risk—that being fully seen will lead to judgment, abandonment, or harm.
These responses are not signs of weakness or failure. They are adaptations to an environment that required self-suppression in order to maintain safety or belonging. Understanding that distinction is often the first step toward meaningful change.
Why This Is Re-Emerging in Public Conversation
In recent years, issues related to conversion therapy have re-entered public discourse through legal challenges, political debates, and broader cultural shifts. Questions about religious freedom, free speech, and the regulation of therapeutic practices have brought renewed attention to a subject many assumed had been resolved.
For individuals who have lived through these experiences, this resurgence can be unsettling. It may bring up anger, confusion, or a renewed awareness of past experiences that were never fully processed. It can also create a sense that something once widely condemned is being reconsidered or legitimized.
From a clinical standpoint, however, the consensus has not changed. Conversion therapy remains a discredited practice that is associated with increased psychological harm. The reappearance of the debate does not alter the underlying reality of its impact.
What Healing Actually Involves
Healing from the effects of conversion therapy is not about endlessly revisiting the past. It is about understanding how past experiences continue to operate in the present and developing a different relationship to those patterns.
In my work with clients, this often involves identifying how early messages about sexuality and identity became internalized and how those messages continue to influence thoughts, emotions, and behavior. It also involves rebuilding trust in one’s own perceptions and desires, which may have been undermined over time.
A central part of the process is addressing shame—not just managing it, but understanding where it came from and how it was reinforced. From there, the work becomes more forward-looking: creating a more integrated sense of self, improving the capacity for intimacy, and developing a way of relating to oneself that is grounded in acceptance rather than criticism.
Working Together
My approach to this work is grounded in over three decades of clinical experience working specifically with gay men. It integrates trauma-informed therapy, cognitive and behavioral approaches, and psychodynamic understanding of identity and development. More importantly, it is tailored to the individual—because no two experiences of this issue are exactly the same.
If you are recognizing yourself in any part of this discussion, that is not an accident. It usually means there is something here worth exploring more directly.
Take the Next Step
If you would like to explore how these patterns may be affecting your life—and what it would look like to change them—you are welcome to start with a brief consultation.
Call or text: 310-339-5778
Email: Ken@GayTherapyLA.com
FAQ: Conversion Therapy Survivors
What is conversion therapy?
Conversion therapy, sometimes called “sexual orientation change efforts,” or “reparative therapy” refers to attempts to change or suppress a person’s sexual orientation (and more recently has been applied to gender identity, trying to make trans person “be” cisgender). These practices may involve talk therapy, religious counseling, or behavioral techniques, including at times harmful aversion techniques, historically including electric shock. Other times it can include group exercises that try to promote “male bonding” to evoke a gender-confirming male self-concept and behavior (heterosexism). All of the major mental health and medical professional organizations have concluded that conversion therapy is ineffective and harmful. (A much more subtle example of legitimate psychotherapy being subverted for self-indulgent religious dominance purposes is the more “popular”, but still insidiously dangerous, practice of trying to “cure” gay men of “sex addiction;” more on that here.)
Does conversion therapy actually work?
No. There is no credible scientific evidence that conversion therapy can change a person’s sexual orientation (or gender identity). What it has been shown to do is increase psychological distress, including depression, anxiety, and shame. The men who have been “successful” at it are merely suppressing their natural desires and forcing themselves to marry women but even they admit their “same-sex attraction” doesn’t “go away,” but they keep celibate from men (and often women, too).
What are the long-term effects of conversion therapy?
Long-term effects can include internalized shame, difficulty trusting one’s own identity, anxiety in relationships, sexual inhibition, and a split between one’s authentic self and outward behavior. These patterns can persist for years but can be addressed effectively in therapy. Some guys “come out” of conversion therapy as young adults, while I’ve worked with other guys who come to terms with this at midlife.
Is conversion therapy considered harmful by mental health professionals?
Yes. Conversion therapy is widely recognized (through formal clinical research) as harmful and has been condemned by major medical and psychological organizations. It has been linked to increased rates of depression, suicidality, and emotional distress.
Why do some people still support conversion therapy?
Support for conversion therapy is often rooted in religious or ideological beliefs about sexuality rather than scientific evidence. In some cases, it reflects discomfort with LGBTQ+ identities rather than a clinically grounded effort to help individuals. It can be an expression of religious narcissism, believing that their religion (and its adherents) are inherently superior to others, and that anyone who doesn’t practice the same religion or live the same way should be punished (discriminated against, denied equal legal civil rights, being bullied as “religious freedom/free speech” expression, and even “turning a blind eye” toward hate crimes).
Can therapy help undo the effects of conversion therapy?
Yes. Therapy can help individuals understand how these experiences shaped their thinking and emotional patterns, reduce internalized shame, and rebuild a more integrated and authentic sense of self. There are many techniques I use – cognitive behavioral therapy, schema therapy, and some others – that can not only help you recover from that trauma of conversion therapy, but also help you to be your best self at every developmental stage of life. I have a strong component of coaching in my therapy technique to help you be your best personal and professional self. I’m proud to have helped thousands of gay men with this over my long (over 30 years) career focused exclusively on being a gay men’s specialist therapist.
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About the author
Ken Howard, LCSW, CST is a psychotherapist and AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist with over 30 years of experience working almost exclusively with gay men. A former USC faculty member, he is also the host of The Gay Therapy LA Podcast, where he explores the psychology, relationships, sexuality, and inner lives of gay men. He brings that same depth, practicality, and cultural understanding into his work with clients through therapy (CA) and coaching (worldwide) via telehealth.
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