Gay Men and Coping with the Forms of Betrayal
By Ken Howard, LCSW, CST
GayTherapyLA.com | GayCoachingLA.com
Call/Text: 310-339-5778 | Email: Ken@GayTherapyLA.com
Introduction: What Is Betrayal?
Betrayal is the violation of a person’s trust, often involving the breaking of implicit or explicit expectations in a close relationship. Psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., defines betrayal as “a violation of a spoken or unspoken contract, which shatters a person’s assumptions about the reliability, integrity, or loyalty of someone who was assumed to care.” For gay men, betrayal can take many nuanced forms—some overt, others subtle—shaped by our unique social dynamics, relationship models, and often marginalized status in broader society.
Today, we explore how gay men experience and cope with betrayal in romantic relationships, friendships, professional circles, and family systems—and discuss some strategies for healing.
Cheating in Relationships
For many gay men—whether in monogamous, open, or polyamorous relationships—cheating remains one of the most painful betrayals. Even in consensual non-monogamy, partners can still violate agreed-upon rules. Whether the betrayal is emotional (forming an inappropriate connection) or physical (engaging in prohibited sexual activity), the damage stems not just from the act, but from the deception and broken agreements.
Many articles and podcast episodes explore “cheating,” both gay and straight, but it’s about how sexual or emotional (or both) dynamics create a connection among some people—but at the cost of a disconnection with others. “Cheating” basically means breaking an agreement, often with some kind of dishonesty involved—obscuring the truth, omitting the truth, evading the truth—about our experiences of what we’ve been doing and who with.
For gay male couples who choose monogamy—which is a choice that is sometimes not validated enough in the broader gay male community, as it is their choice between/among the partners—just having any version of Consensual Non-Monogamy is an option. Having sex with other guys is just agreed upon to be “not done.” Maybe sexting is allowed. Maybe light flirting. Maybe dancing or spending time with others. But not any kind of oral, anal, or “tactile” (frottage) sex. And when this agreement is violated by one or both partners, it’s a betrayal of what was expected, and the values behind why it was expected—because not hooking up with others had some value, meaning, and purpose behind it. Oftentimes, this is to hold sacrosanct sexual relations between two people as an expression of deep emotional/romantic/domestic bonds, and perhaps an observance of a deeply held social or religious belief. Although monogamy can be chosen for secular reasons as well—such as deep intimate bonding.
In Consensual Non-Monogamy, betrayal can be any form of “doing something you shouldn’t,” such as violating the agreement of Who, What, When, Where, Why, How (another blog article and podcast episode explore these). What I see in practice most often in gay male relationships when there is betrayal in non-monogamous relationships is the “what”—one partner doing something that makes the other partner(s) uncomfortable, triggering their abandonment fears, such as “getting too close” to an outside sex partner emotionally. But it can also be things like having a type of sex (anal when it was agreed upon to only do oral), or “who” (hooking up with one of your friends or someone in your immediate circle, causing social awkwardness later), or an ex-boyfriend/partner, or some other variable that violates the ground rules that hopefully the partners have determined through a thorough discussion, together—which is something I help gay male clients with in both therapy and coaching, and in both couples and polycules. These overlap because the “ground rules” of open relationships is a common discussion in many gay relationships.
Coping strategy: Recovery from a betrayal in a relationship involves rebuilding trust, which may require couples therapy, relationship coaching to reinvent the relationship, a discussion of how to revisit accountability, clarifying and setting clear new boundaries, and sometimes, the difficult decision to part ways. When it comes to betrayal in a relationship, it gets somewhat “harshly simple”: you either find a way to get past it, or you break up. I help most gay relationships get past it, because some kind of betrayal is common in relationships and it would be hard to find a partner where any form of betrayal is “never” present in the relationship—especially long term. And it doesn’t have to be sexual; even just “not being there” when your partner is hurting or sick or grieving can be a betrayal. “Repair” in relationships is about first understanding that there *was* betrayal, and why it was a betrayal, and then negotiating how the future might look in healing it, so that intimacy, trust, and closeness are restored.
Gossip in Friend Circles
Within gay male friendship networks—especially those that are tight-knit or socially competitive—gossip can feel like social treason. When a trusted friend discloses personal or embarrassing information behind one’s back, it becomes a betrayal of intimacy. It can damage reputations, relationships, and self-esteem.
Gossip is awfully tempting. There’s a titillating “naughtiness” to “control” sensitive information. Look at what gossip columnists about movie stars or music performers say, every day. It can be a form of “wielding power” and influence using information that you have—that others would like to have—and might treat you with favor if you gave them that information (TMZ will pay for good “celebrity dirt”). For gay men, gossip can be a way of managing “male competition” in the “pack” and establishing a certain “pecking order” among a group of friends. It can be a pretty maladaptive, but still common, way to express aggressive impulses. It can “feel good” to “get even” through gossip, and “take someone down a peg” if we’re jealous of them. But gossip is a very dysfunctional way of managing these impulses related to negative feelings of anger, jealousy, envy, fear, or the need to control one’s environment.
Coping strategy: If you learn of a betrayal from one of your friends to someone else—about information about you—evaluate how bad the transgression was. If it was minor, like saying you like a certain kink that is a little embarrassing but not very serious, it might be OK. But if you feel seriously undermined about a peer betraying something that you said in confidence, consider confronting the source calmly and assertively, and explain why what they said was damaging. Assess whether they are truly sorry—or just sorry they got caught. Maybe the experience reveals a rift with that so-called “friend” that needs to be brought into open discussion.
If you talk it out, and receive an apology or even some kind of plan for making amends, great. Other times, you might need to gracefully back away from that person or that group, and create some distance between you and a toxic circle of peers. Surrounding yourself with emotionally mature friends becomes a vital form of self-care. I see this often as gay men get older: the friend circles generally get smaller, but more intimate and even profound as long-term trust builds. And we have to expect only what we give—when we get mad about gossip, we have to think if we’ve been guilty of the same—and just make a personal values commitment that we don’t gossip. If we hear that so-and-so has a drug problem, we might not repeat that, but we might give general expressions of values, such as “I care about the health of all my friends,” and leave it at that.
Disclosure of Secrets: Deliberate vs. Accidental
Betrayal often occurs when personal information—like STI or health status, HIV status, sexual behavior, financial challenges, criminal history, or mental health details—is shared without your permission. Even accidental slips can have serious consequences, especially if the information ends up with employers, family, or romantic partners.
People can get confused about “who knows what” and unintentionally say something confidential to someone who didn’t know. Deliberate betrayals, though, are acts of aggression or retaliation that require acknowledgment and processing. Accidental betrayals are more forgivable, but they still matter—especially if they happen because someone was disinhibited by alcohol or drugs or just wasn’t paying attention to social cues.
Even something seemingly harmless—like spilling the beans about a surprise party, or mentioning a new job before someone has given notice—can sour relationships. During World War II, people in the U.S. were advised, “Loose lips sink ships.” The idea was to avoid casually sharing strategic military details that could endanger lives. While that’s obviously extreme, the takeaway still applies: be careful with information. Even mentioning a party that someone wasn’t invited to can create hurt feelings. Social discretion matters.
Coping strategy: When a secret is disclosed, try to understand the intent. Was it malicious or careless? If someone hurt you unintentionally, that’s different than if they did it on purpose. You might need to reinforce boundaries—or reconsider how much trust that person has earned in your life. And be direct: tell them when something you’re sharing isn’t to be repeated and why. In my work, I make a point to anonymize client stories and change identifying details—not only because I’m legally and ethically required to, but because trust is sacred.
Fear-Based Desperation
Sometimes betrayal doesn’t come from cruelty—it comes from panic. A friend “sells you out” to protect themselves. A partner lies to avoid conflict or embarrassment. A sibling throws you under the bus to get parental approval. These betrayals still wound, even if they weren’t intended to.
I’ve worked with clients whose betrayals were rooted in fear—like neighbors turning each other in during the Holocaust, or someone cooperating with a bully boss out of job insecurity. Fear-based betrayal often stems from power dynamics: someone chooses self-preservation over loyalty.
Coping strategy: Understanding the motivation doesn’t erase the harm. It may soften your anger, but boundaries still matter. Think of it like manslaughter vs. murder—the context is different, but the outcome is still painful. Sometimes you can work through it. Other times, you have to accept that fear made someone unreliable—and move forward without them.
Competition Among Friends and Professional Allies
Few betrayals sting like the one where someone you helped turns around and uses that help to compete against you—or worse, sabotage you. This happens with friends, exes, former colleagues, or mentees. In the gay community, where many careers overlap with creative and entrepreneurial work, betrayal often shows up around clients, reputation, and visibility.
In some cases, it’s passive aggression: someone subtly undermines you, spreads doubt, or takes credit for your work. In others, it’s overt: copying your business model, poaching clients, or publicly tearing you down.
Coping strategy: Legal tools like NDAs or cease-and-desist letters may be needed. But psychologically, it’s about letting go of the fantasy that this person was “on your side.” Grieve the loss, but don’t let it shake your core. Eventually, people who betray others tend to show their true colors. And those who thrive long-term do so through integrity, not undercutting others. Choose your allies wisely, and don’t gamble your vulnerability with people who haven’t earned it.
Family Betrayal and Early Emotional Damage
For many gay men, betrayal starts young. It can be subtle—like constant invalidation—or overt, like being outed without consent, physically harmed, or emotionally abused. Family betrayals are especially painful because they cut deep into identity and self-worth. These experiences often lay the foundation for later struggles with trust, attachment, and self-esteem.
I’ve written and spoken before about family-based trauma, including situations where perpetrators are inside the family—or where family members enabled the abuse. Healing from this kind of betrayal involves a long process of reclaiming one’s identity, reworking beliefs about love and safety, and recognizing that what was done to you was not your fault.
Coping strategy: Trauma-informed therapy and inner child work can help you reconnect with your sense of worth and safety. And building a chosen family—a group of people who truly support you—isn’t just comforting. It’s essential. It gives you a new emotional blueprint to replace the damage done.
Final Thoughts: Healing from Betrayal
For gay men, betrayal is often experienced through a uniquely queer lens. Many of us carry layered pain—internalized shame, fear of rejection, cultural pressure to be “perfect,” and anxiety about scarcity in our personal or professional communities. These wounds can amplify the impact of betrayal, making it feel not just like a rupture, but a confirmation of our worst fears about trust and belonging.
But betrayal doesn’t have to be the end of the story. It can be the turning point where you finally set boundaries. Where you stop over-explaining. Where you start recognizing who deserves your trust—and who doesn’t. And where you reclaim your voice and power with a new sense of clarity.
If betrayal has played a role in your recent relationships—romantic, platonic, familial, or professional—working through it with a professional can help you make sense of what happened and what it means for your future. In therapy, we can identify emotional patterns and process unresolved trauma. In coaching, we can strengthen your ability to set and hold boundaries, recognize red flags, and create relationships that are safe, mutual, and fulfilling.
You don’t need to go through this alone. There’s a way to heal. And there’s a future where you feel not just safe—but empowered.
Call or text 310-339-5778 or email Ken@GayTherapyLA.com or Ken@GayCoachingLA.com to schedule a free 15-minute consultation or book a session.
About the Author
Ken Howard, LCSW, CST is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (#LCS18290) in California, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and the founder of GayTherapyLA.com and GayCoachingLA.com. He has over 33 years of experience helping gay men thrive in their personal, romantic, sexual, and professional lives. Ken is widely considered the most experienced gay men’s specialist therapist and coach in the United States today.
Ken’s podcast, “Gay Therapy LA with Ken Howard, LCSW, CST,” is heard by over 10,000 listeners per month in more than 120 countries. Hundreds of free articles are available at GayTherapyLA.com/blog and GayCoachingLA.com/blog.
