Caring for Aging Parents: Tips for Adult Gay Men

Caring for Aging Parents:  Tips for Adult Gay Men

Over my long career (32 years) as a gay men’s specialist therapist, I’ve observed my own aging process, and certainly that of my grandparents, parents, and other relatives and friends.  More recently, my sister and I have had adult caregiver roles remotely for our mother who lives alone in another state.  We’ve been navigating so many medical, emotional, domestic, social, technical, and financial duties that my mom can no longer do, especially not driving anymore.  That all got me thinking about my clients who have been in similar situations as they have watched their parent(s) develop into seniors.

As adult gay men, caring for aging parents can be both deeply rewarding and incredibly challenging. For many of us, managing the emotional, financial, and logistical responsibilities of caregiving can bring up unique challenges—particularly when shaped by cultural expectations, family dynamics, and the lived experiences of being gay men who have known our parents from childhood and well into middle age.

Here are some specific tips for gay men who find themselves in this complex and often overwhelming role. If you’re navigating these waters and feeling the strain, consider seeking therapy or coaching to support you on this journey:

Coping with Family History and Ambivalence Toward Parents

As gay men, some of us may be caring for parents who were, at times, unaccepting, rejecting, or even abusive—whether in relation to our sexual orientation or other issues that may have caused family conflict or hurt. I’ve worked with many clients who experience this ambivalence and carry complex, often conflicting emotions about stepping into the role of caregiver for parents who may not have been fully supportive, nurturing, or even safe when they were growing up.

Navigating feelings about “obligation” to help them, when they may not have always helped you, or even respected the most basic boundaries about emotional and physical safety, can be difficult to face alone.

If you’re in this position, know that it’s valid to feel mixed emotions about caregiving. You may feel a sense of duty or compassion, even while also experiencing pain, resentment, or anger over past treatment. Here are some strategies for managing these difficult feelings:

• Acknowledge Your Emotions: Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions you may have—whether they include compassion, anger, resentment, guilt, or a mix of these. Therapy can help you process these complex emotions without judgment, creating space to feel them fully and work through them in a healthy way.
• Reflect on Your Motivation: Examine why you’ve chosen to care for your parents and what caregiving means for you personally. For some, caregiving is a way to “rise above” the past; for others, it may be an opportunity to redefine relationships or create closure. Reflecting on your motivations can help you care from a place of authenticity.
• Set Firm Boundaries: It’s okay to set boundaries around what you will and won’t do, especially if your parents were rejecting or abusive in the past. Setting clear boundaries allows you to engage in caregiving in a way that doesn’t compromise your mental health or dignity.
• Seek Compassion for Yourself: Remember that caregiving doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing past harm. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging the emotional work you’re doing and honoring your resilience. Therapy can help you cultivate compassion toward yourself, allowing you to manage ambivalence with kindness and understanding.

If caregiving for parents with a difficult or painful history is bringing up unresolved wounds or emotional strain, therapy or coaching can offer invaluable support to help you navigate this complex journey.

1. Acknowledge Your Own Journey with Your Family

For many gay men, family relationships can be complicated by past tensions or misunderstandings, which can add an extra layer to caregiving. When caregiving also intersects with cultural expectations, it can intensify both the emotional rewards and pressures associated with looking after aging parents.

Tip: Take time to reflect on your journey with your family and any unique cultural expectations that shape your role as a caregiver. In some cultures, caregiving is a family duty rather than a choice, which can add to the pressure. Therapy offers a safe space to process past family dynamics and cultural influences, either in your broader culture of nationality or ethnicity/race, or just the individual culture of your family dynamics within the community of your peers growing up.

2. Respect Cultural Values and Expectations in Caregiving

Cultural values can shape expectations around caregiving and family roles, which can be especially complex for gay men who may have experienced hardship from any culture’s anti-gay stances, which are common, especially related to religion.  Here’s how caregiving might look across various cultural contexts:

• Asian Cultures: In many Asian families, caregiving is often seen as a responsibility expected of children, particularly the eldest. There is a strong emphasis on filial piety, or respect for elders, which can create high expectations for caring for parents at home.
• Latino Cultures: Family loyalty, or familismo, is highly valued, with caregiving often seen as a natural role of family members. There may also be extended family involved, which can provide support but also bring different dynamics and expectations.
• African-American Cultures: African-American families often emphasize strong community and family support, and caregiving may be shared among family members. At the same time, cultural and historical challenges, such as healthcare disparities, can add complexity to caregiving roles.
• Middle Eastern Cultures: Family honor and intergenerational loyalty are important, often with an expectation that children will care for their aging parents, typically within the family home. This can place additional pressure on LGBTQ+ individuals to conform to these expectations.
• Anglo/Western Cultures: In Anglo families, caregiving often involves more independence for both the parent and the adult child, with an emphasis on individual autonomy. Many Anglo families are more open to professional caregiving options, such as assisted living or home health care, as well as planning for long-term financial independence for aging parents. However, some caregivers may face the challenge of navigating a parent’s desire for independence against the need for additional support, which can add emotional complexity.

Tip: Assess to what degree the broader culture or your individual family culture are influencing your situation or role as a caregiver.  What cultural observances do you want to keep, that in your value system have meaning, versus which ones you want to discard because you find them illogical or outdates (especially related to gender roles in caregiving, where women or female siblings are often “expected” to do more than men, made more complicated if you’re a male only child or the gender roles are nuanced in your family.  In my family, for example, the division of labor for caregiving tends to fall on me “as a man’ for things like property, vehicle, and finances, while my sister’s role is more about medical care and nutrition.

3. Manage the Demands of a Busy Career While Providing Care

In my practice, both therapy and coaching, I work with a lot of gay male executives who tend to have high demand/high reward jobs, often that involve long hours of both work and international work travel.  Balancing an executive career that is really more than full time with a caregiving role can be stressful.  Even non-executive jobs might have regimented schedules (such as retail) that tend to be less flexible with their employees.  However, in the newer generations, many companies are now recognizing the practical realities and need for employees who are providing caregiving support and may offer benefits that can help their workers fulfill both roles.

Tip: Talk to your employer about any flexible work options, such as remote work, flexible hours, or family leave benefits. Set boundaries for work tasks to avoid burnout, and prioritize tasks to make time for both work and caregiving. Therapy or coaching can help with cultivating new time management skills and stress relief strategies to balance career and caregiving.

The Value of Seeking Therapy or Coaching for Caregivers

Caring for aging parents, especially as a gay man, comes with its unique set of challenges.  Having support so that you don’t feel isolated or adrift can help.  This can include support for balancing caregiving responsibilities with personal needs, such as your own home, relationships, hobbies, health, sex life, and social life, and managing family expectations and cultural dynamics, dealing with physical distance living far away from your parent, and navigating the emotional complexities that caregiving often brings, where you emotionally try to navigate your parent’s previous level of functioning that you always knew growing up, versus how their cognitive or physical decline might be affecting them now.  They are the same person, and yet sometimes it feels that they aren’t.  Therapy and coaching can provide crucial support in managing these responsibilities, offering tools for self-care, stress management, and emotional resilience.

Working with a therapist or coach can help you:

• Process Emotional Strain: Therapy offers a safe space to work through feelings of guilt, grief, frustration, or even unresolved issues with family. For many gay men, caregiving can bring up memories and emotions from the past that might need careful attention.
• Set and Maintain Boundaries: Coaching can support you in identifying and setting healthy boundaries to balance your caregiving role with your own personal, professional, and social life.
• Develop Coping Strategies for Dementia Care: Therapy can provide practical strategies and emotional tools to cope with the challenges of dementia caregiving, particularly when witnessing a parent’s memory loss.
• Navigate Cultural and Family Dynamics: Therapy or coaching can help you manage family expectations, especially if cultural norms or family dynamics add extra pressure.
• Create Sustainable Self-Care Practices: Coaching can assist you in prioritizing self-care and well-being, helping to prevent burnout and ensuring that you can continue to support your parents in the long term.

Other benefits can include helping you feel more empowered to make sound decisions about so many variables, how to set boundaries without guilt, and finding peace for unresolved emotions.  Personal self-empowerment (the name of my 2013 book, “Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!” is an important factor, especially for gay men who have likely experienced marginalization in their life history, including how they were treated by the parents they are caring for now.

Clients I’ve worked with often come to therapy feeling overwhelmed, but leave feeling more confident in their ability to manage both caregiving and personal/individual needs.

 

Self-Assessment

Take a moment to reflect. What feelings arise when you think about caring for your parent?

How do cultural expectations influence your approach to caregiving?

Consider your own situation and needs that might be benefited from professional support.

Try this exercise: Set one or two goals for yourself, such as setting a time boundary or starting a self-compassion practice, this week.  The journey of reducing your stress and clarifying the boundaries of your caregiving role can start here.

One of the many differences between therapy and coaching is that therapy might emphasize ways that you need to work on emotional healing from your family history that help you to achieve more self-acceptance and peace of mind now, as an older (perhaps Midlife) adult.  Coaching might emphasize more about a strategic plan to fulfill a caregiving role now, and plan for how that role might evolve as your parent ages.

Don’t wait until the stress of caregiving takes a toll on your well-being; consider reaching out now to explore ways I can help you stay resilient with the changes ahead.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or isolated in your caregiving role, or if you simply want guidance and support to navigate this phase of life, reach out to explore how therapy or coaching can help. Contact me at 310-339-5778 or Ken@GayTherapyLA.com or Ken@GayCoachingLA.com. Together, we can work through these challenges, empower you in your caregiving role, and support you in maintaining a fulfilling, balanced life. I welcome your questions and look forward to providing the guidance you deserve.