Gay Men and the Need for Attention: Navigating the Line Between Healthy and Unhealthy Narcissism

Gay Men and the Need for Attention: Navigating the Line Between Healthy and Unhealthy Narcissism

If you’ve spent any time in social settings like dinner parties, pool parties, bars, clubs, or on platforms like Instagram or Grindr, you’ve probably noticed that attention can be a powerful currency among gay men. Whether it’s being the center of conversation at a gathering or seeking validation through social media, the need for recognition and admiration is part of the social fabric. But there’s a fine line between healthy and unhealthy narcissism.

For gay men, understanding the difference between these two forms of self-regard is especially important. Our experiences growing up in a world that often devalues or marginalizes us can shape how we seek attention and validation in adulthood. This article will explore how these needs manifest in healthy and unhealthy ways, why some gay men find themselves caught in exclusive social cliques, and why addressing these underlying issues through psychotherapy can help us strike a healthier balance.

Healthy Narcissism vs. Unhealthy Narcissism

At its core, narcissism is about self-love and self-regard. We all have a natural desire to feel important, validated, and admired, and in many ways, these desires are necessary for psychological well-being. Healthy narcissism helps us set boundaries, take pride in ourselves, and pursue recognition in ways that promote confidence and self-esteem. For gay men, who may have faced significant challenges around self-acceptance and societal validation, healthy narcissism can be an empowering force that says, “I am worthy of attention, love, and admiration.”

Healthy narcissism manifests as self-confidence, where we acknowledge our achievements and seek validation in a balanced way. For example, it’s perfectly healthy to want to look your best at a dinner party, to enjoy getting compliments, or to share aspects of your life on social media. It’s also normal to want to be seen and appreciated for who you are, especially when you’ve faced judgment or rejection in the past. Healthy narcissism fosters a sense of inner validation that allows you to feel good about yourself without needing constant external reassurance. You might take pride in your body or your style, but your self-worth isn’t dependent on whether others approve.

In contrast, unhealthy narcissism emerges when the need for attention and admiration becomes excessive or compulsive. This often happens when there’s an underlying sense of inadequacy or unresolved emotional wounds. Instead of seeking recognition from a place of confidence, we might rely on external validation to feel whole or worthy. Unhealthy narcissism can manifest in behaviors like constantly checking for likes or messages on Instagram or Grindr, feeling anxious or resentful when you’re not the center of attention at social events, or needing constant praise to feel good about yourself.

For gay men, unhealthy narcissism is often rooted in a defense against feelings of devaluation. If you grew up being criticized or rejected for your sexual orientation—by family, peers, or society—you may have internalized those negative messages. This can lead to seeking out attention and validation as a way to counterbalance that earlier devaluation. The problem is that no amount of external validation will ever fully satisfy those deeper emotional wounds. Instead, the need for attention becomes insatiable, leaving you feeling anxious, empty, or disconnected.

The Pull of Cliques, Exclusivity, and Prestige

In many gay social circles, there’s an additional layer of complexity to the need for attention: the desire to belong to an exclusive, prestigious group of peers. In these environments, attention is often gained through outward markers of success, such as having the right body, the right job, the right address, or the right friends.

For some gay men, joining a social “clique” is a way of defending against past feelings of rejection or inadequacy. These groups can be highly exclusive, with membership often based on external factors like physique, wealth, show business success, real estate success, or even living in a prestigious neighborhood. Being part of such a group can offer validation, but it can also reinforce the notion that your worth is tied to how you look or what you have.

This exclusivity creates a kind of socio-economic caste system, where men are judged by their status, appearance, and connections. If you have the “right” markers of success—money, a fit body, a well-known career—you might be granted access to elite gay social circles. But if you don’t, you might find yourself feeling left out or even invisible. This can lead to a constant striving for external markers of approval, which often leaves men feeling anxious or unsatisfied, no matter how much success they achieve.

At the root of this dynamic is the desire to belong and to be valued by others. For some, being part of a prestigious social group feels like a way to ensure they won’t be devalued the way they might have been in childhood or adolescence. But the reality is, these social hierarchies often replicate the same patterns of exclusion and judgment that many of us experienced growing up. Instead of healing old wounds, they can reinforce them, leading to a cycle of striving, comparison, and insecurity.

DEI

“DEI,” which stands for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, has been a focus of corporate and other organizational discussion regarding hiring, promoting, retaining, and creating a positive working environment. This has been a focus to try to reverse some of the extremely problematic issues around sexism, racism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, and other bigotry that has “thrived,” so to speak, in corporations, universities, non-profits, and many institutions over history. Much of DEI efforts and programs have been prioritized in recent history, until the more-recent current climate of backlash against DEI by Republican “conservatives,” who only very thinly try to disguise their racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, and other bigotry in the workplace; to those people, they see promoting DEI as a “bad thing” that threatens their White Supremacy and the values of the modern Trumpism Republican Party.

Interesting, then, and perhaps ironic, that although being pro-LGBTQ+ has been a large component of DEI efforts, our own LGBTQ+ (especially the “G”) community has not necessarily been a stalwart of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. Notice the lack of diversity and fairly extreme emphasis on White men at circuit/dance events worldwide. The lack of equity among racial lines but also across age, appearance, disability status, and socio-economic status is noticeable. Many gay men complain, legitimately, about a strong sense of not feeling “included” at all in many gay spaces, yet these spaces are “supposed” to be havens of comfort and fun among all gay men, just like lesbians and trans people need their own specific spaces of comfort as well.

I’ve written and spoken about the need to preserve gay men’s safe spaces in recent history, as they have become more rare (due to the apps) and more “diverse” in a way that sometimes makes gay men feel their safe spaces are “invaded” by at least some intolerant, non-ally people. If corporations can at least “look busy” with DEI programs, such as they are, to varying degrees of success, our own gay men’s and LGBTQ+ spaces would do well to meditate and act on what Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion really mean. It’s not the atmosphere we have now in far too many spaces. And we have to ask why. The themes of exclusivity, inequity, and very little sense of “belonging” are excessive and to the detriment of our community. It’s yet another way gay men can feel devalued by others, including by our own peers.

Challenges of Meeting People in Gay Social Settings

While exclusivity and prestige often dominate some social spaces, many gay men face challenges when it comes to meeting others for dating, sex, or even just friendship. Traditional places to meet others—like bars, clubs, and parties—can be intimidating or unfulfilling, particularly for men who don’t feel they fit into the stereotypical image of the “ideal” gay man, with a perfect body or a glamorous lifestyle.

• Dating Apps: Platforms like Grindr, Scruff, or Tinder make it easier to connect with people, but they can also amplify feelings of rejection or inadequacy. A 2017 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that 70% of same-sex couples met online, compared to only 22% of heterosexual couples. However, many gay men report frustration with apps due to the superficiality of interactions, where appearance often trumps genuine connection. This makes it especially challenging for those seeking meaningful relationships beyond casual encounters.
• Social Spaces: Gay bars, clubs, and events can be exhilarating for some but alienating for others. If you don’t fit the mold of the social or physical ideal that dominates these spaces, it can feel like you’re on the outside looking in. For those who are shy, introverted, or simply not into the party scene, making meaningful connections can feel nearly impossible.
• Platonic Friendships: Building friendships as a gay man can also come with its own set of challenges. In a community where dating and sex often overlap with social circles, it can be hard to form platonic connections without the expectation of romance or attraction. Gay men who struggle to find friends may feel isolated, especially if they don’t have a strong support system or community to rely on. According to research from Stonewall, nearly 61% of gay men report feeling isolated or lonely, and older gay men in particular face increased risks of social isolation. Research from SAGE (Services and Advocacy for GLBT Elders reveals that 57% of older LGBTQ+ adults report living alone, and many older gay men, without the support of children or family, are especially vulnerable to isolation. These feelings of loneliness and isolation can be exacerbated by the difficulty in forming deep connections in social settings that often prioritize appearance or status.

Recommended Actions to Improve Social Connections

For gay men who are feeling frustrated with how to meet people, whether for dating, sex, or friendship, here are some actionable steps to consider:

1. Diversify Your Social Circles: Don’t rely on just one type of social space or platform. Try attending LGBTQ+ meetups, sports leagues, or interest-based groups where you can meet people outside of the traditional party or dating app scene. This helps expand your network beyond the usual places and can introduce you to like-minded individuals with shared interests.
2. Be Clear About Your Intentions: Whether you’re looking for a date, a hookup, or a friendship, it helps to be upfront about what you’re seeking. This avoids misunderstandings and helps you connect with people who share similar goals. Clear communication makes it easier to find those looking for the same kind of relationship.
3. Focus on Building Confidence: If meeting people makes you anxious or self-conscious, consider working on building self-confidence through therapy or coaching. Feeling good about yourself will make social interactions more relaxed and enjoyable. Gay men who build confidence are more likely to engage in meaningful conversations without the fear of rejection holding them back.
4. Practice Social Skills: If you find it difficult to approach people or start conversations, practice by engaging in low-pressure environments. Start small by chatting with people in less intimidating spaces, like coffee shops or at social events focused on activities, rather than nightlife. Over time, these small social victories can boost your overall confidence in more challenging social settings.
5. Create Opportunities to Meet New People: Instead of waiting for others to initiate, take charge by organizing small gatherings or outings. Hosting a casual dinner or planning a day trip can introduce you to new people and create opportunities for deeper connections. Being proactive in creating social opportunities can often lead to more fulfilling and meaningful interactions.
6. Be Patient: Building a social network or finding meaningful connections takes time. Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight. Take each interaction as a step toward finding the connections you’re seeking. Like any relationship-building process, it requires persistence, patience, and a willingness to keep trying.

Defending Against Devaluation

For many gay men, unhealthy narcissism can be traced back to early experiences of being devalued—whether by society at large or within our families of origin. Growing up in a world where we might have been made to feel “less than” for our sexual orientation can leave deep emotional wounds. Some of us may have heard messages, either directly or indirectly, that being gay wasn’t acceptable, or we may have faced rejection from family members, peers, or even religious communities. These experiences can lead to a profound sense of inadequacy or shame, and we might try to defend against these painful feelings by seeking external validation.

In social settings like pool parties or clubs, the pressure to look a certain way, act a certain way, or be perceived as “fun” or “desirable” can sometimes tap into those old insecurities. We might put on a persona to hide our true feelings, or we might seek attention to reassure ourselves that we are, in fact, good enough. The problem is, when we place all our self-worth in the hands of others—whether it’s through likes on Instagram or being noticed at a party—it can be a never-ending cycle of seeking validation but never truly feeling fulfilled.

How Psychotherapy Can Help

If any of this resonates with you, you’re not alone—and it’s not something you have to navigate by yourself. Psychotherapy offers a powerful space to explore these dynamics and unravel the deeper causes of our need for attention or validation. Together, we can work on identifying when your need for attention is a healthy expression of self-confidence, and when it might be covering up deeper feelings of inadequacy or unresolved wounds from the past.

As a gay men’s specialist psychotherapist, I’ve worked with countless clients to help them develop a healthier relationship with themselves—one where their sense of self-worth isn’t dependent on external validation. In therapy, we can explore the origins of unhealthy narcissism, whether that stems from family-of-origin issues, internalized homophobia, or societal devaluation. We’ll work on strategies to build your self-esteem from the inside out, so that while receiving attention and validation from others might feel good, it won’t be something you rely on to feel whole.

We’ll also focus on healing the wounds of rejection or devaluation you may have experienced growing up. By processing these early experiences in a safe, supportive environment, we can begin to replace those old, painful messages with new beliefs about your worth and identity. This allows you to approach social situations, relationships, and even social media with a stronger sense of confidence and self-assurance that comes from within, not from outside approval.

For those who struggle to meet others for dating, friendships, or casual encounters, psychotherapy can also help address the underlying social dynamics. We can work on developing deeper confidence, social skills, and strategies for overcoming the obstacles in modern gay dating culture or social circles. Whether you’re feeling stuck on dating apps, lost in the bar scene, or isolated in your social life, therapy can offer tools to navigate these spaces with more authenticity and success.

Taking the Next Step

If you find yourself struggling with the balance between healthy and unhealthy narcissism—or if you recognize patterns of seeking validation to cover deeper insecurities—now might be the time to explore this further in therapy. Whether you’re navigating social settings, relationships, or the pressures of modern gay life, there’s no shame in wanting attention. But when that need begins to feel overwhelming or compulsive, it’s worth understanding why.

Through therapy, I can help you understand your unique experiences, unpack the impact of devaluation in your life, and build a stronger sense of self that’s rooted in your intrinsic worth. Whether you’re here in California and seeking psychotherapy, or anywhere in the world looking for coaching, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can explore what’s behind the need for attention and help you find healthier, more fulfilling ways to connect with others—and with yourself.

If you’re ready to take that next step, contact me at 310-339-5778, Ken@GayTherapyLA.com, or Ken@GayCoachingLA.com, and let’s start building a stronger, more confident you. I welcome your comments, thoughts, and questions, so feel free to reach out and start the conversation.

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