Gay Men and Understanding Personality: The OCEAN Model
By Ken Howard, LCSW, CST – Founder, GayTherapyLA.com
Understanding what makes us who we are can deepen our relationships and improve how we connect with others. For gay men, this kind of self-knowledge can be especially powerful. It helps us navigate romantic relationships, family ties, friendships, and even workplace dynamics.
One of the most respected ways to understand personality is the OCEAN model — also known as the Big Five. Unlike pop approaches like zodiac signs or Myers-Briggs types, this one’s backed by decades of psychological research. The five core traits — Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism — offer a useful lens for better understanding both ourselves and the people around us.
Why Personality Matters in Relationships
Our personality influences how we experience the world and connect with others. Psychologists like Harry Stack Sullivan and Otto Kernberg showed that personality is shaped by relationships — and continues to shape them throughout life. For gay men, this understanding can explain everyday friction (like clashing with a rigid coworker or dating someone with very different energy levels).
Instead of taking those differences personally, we can start to see them as part of someone’s personality style — not flaws. This shift in perspective helps us communicate more thoughtfully and with greater empathy. For example, if your friend seems overly sensitive, understanding that he scores high in Neuroticism can help you meet him with patience instead of frustration.
The OCEAN Model: Five Key Traits
The OCEAN framework breaks personality into five key dimensions. Everyone falls somewhere along a spectrum for each trait — there’s no “right” or “wrong” personality. Here’s a quick breakdown of how each trait can show up in the lives of gay men:
- Openness to Experience: Are you curious, imaginative, and open to change? A gay man high in Openness might love travel, new cuisines, and bold fashion choices. Someone lower in Openness may prefer routine and tradition. Understanding this can prevent misinterpretations — like thinking your partner’s lack of enthusiasm for spontaneous plans is personal, when it’s really just their comfort zone.
- Conscientiousness: This is about being organized and goal-oriented. If your coworker keeps a color-coded planner and remembers every birthday, he’s likely high in Conscientiousness. Someone lower on this trait might be more spontaneous and forgetful — not because they don’t care, but because structure just isn’t their strong suit. Understanding this helps both sides be more patient and collaborative.
- Extraversion: This trait measures how outgoing and energized you feel around people. A gay man high in Extraversion might thrive at Pride events or dance clubs, while someone lower on the scale might prefer cozy nights in or quiet coffee dates. Neither is better — but knowing where someone falls helps you avoid unfair labels like “too loud” or “antisocial.”
- Agreeableness: Think kindness, cooperation, and empathy. A gay man high in Agreeableness is the peacemaker — the one who helps everyone get along. Someone lower might be more direct or skeptical. Understanding this can help you avoid taking bluntness too personally and instead focus on how to connect with different communication styles.
- Neuroticism: This measures emotional reactivity. High Neuroticism often means feeling things deeply — from anxiety to passion. You might recognize this in yourself if you overthink or get easily overwhelmed. Someone low in Neuroticism may seem more “chill” or even aloof. Knowing the difference helps us show compassion instead of confusion when someone reacts differently than we do.
Applying Personality Insights Without Judging
OCEAN traits aren’t boxes — they’re gradients. Most of us land somewhere in the middle, or even shift depending on context. That nuance is what makes the model so useful in real life, especially in therapy and coaching.
It’s not about judging or manipulating people. It’s about meeting them where they are. Let’s look at how this can work in practice:
Using the OCEAN Model in Everyday Life
- Dating: If you’re high in Extraversion but your partner is more introverted, you might plan date nights that balance both needs — like dinner out with friends followed by quiet time at home. The key is compromise and understanding.
- Family: Trying to get through to a relative? If your dad is low in Openness and high in Conscientiousness, a clear, structured approach might work better than a passionate speech. If your mom is high in Agreeableness, she might respond best to heartfelt honesty.
- Friendships: Within your friend group, personalities probably vary. The planner, the empath, the wild card — they all bring something different. Understanding their strengths helps everyone feel valued, especially in group plans or emotional moments.
- Work: Your boss’s blunt emails might come from low Agreeableness, not rudeness. Your creative teammate is probably high in Openness, while the spreadsheet guru may be high in Conscientiousness. Knowing this can help reduce workplace friction.
Respect Comes First
These traits are tools, not weapons. If you ever catch yourself thinking, “How can I use this to get my way?”, pause. The real goal is better communication, not control. Mutual benefit and understanding should be the outcome.
And yes — personality traits can change or grow over time. Maybe you’re a naturally anxious person (high Neuroticism), but you’ve learned ways to cope. Maybe your introversion doesn’t stop you from being a great leader in the right setting. Traits are patterns, not prisons.
Why OCEAN Works Better Than Other Models
Unlike astrology, MBTI, or DISC, the Big Five model has real scientific backing. Astrology might be fun, but it’s not predictive. MBTI misses key traits like Neuroticism and puts people into rigid categories. DISC focuses mostly on workplace behavior and lacks the depth of OCEAN.
What sets OCEAN apart is how nuanced and useful it is. It’s based on decades of global research, it predicts real outcomes, and it recognizes that people are complex. You don’t have to choose between being “type A” or “creative” — you can be a mix, and that mix can evolve.
Embrace Your Mix of Traits
In a culture that often stereotypes gay men into “types,” the OCEAN model says something different: You’re unique. And that uniqueness is your strength.
Understanding yourself helps with self-acceptance. Understanding others makes you a better friend, partner, son, or colleague. You don’t have to change who you are — but knowing your traits gives you power to connect more meaningfully and live more fully.
And if you’re curious to learn more about your traits, therapy or coaching can help. Sometimes having an outside perspective makes it easier to spot patterns or unlock new growth.
Let’s Talk About Your Personality
If you want help applying these insights to your relationships or career, I invite you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. Call or text 310-339-5778, or email Ken@GayTherapyLA.com.
Understanding personality is a big step toward deeper relationships — and a more fulfilling life. You deserve nothing less.
