The Progress Paradox:
Did ‘Toxic Woke’ Culture Lose the Election for LGBT+ Americans?
As a gay men’s specialist therapist for 32 years, a nationally certified sex therapist, and a lifelong LGBTQ+ activist, I have witnessed seismic changes in our rights and acceptance. From the Stonewall riots in 1969 to marriage equality, and now to parenting rights, our movement has always ebbed and flowed with societal change. But today, the LGBTQ+ movement, particularly the gay male community, faces an existential crisis exacerbated by what some label “toxic woke” culture.
While “woke” originated as a call for awareness, sensitivity, safety, respect, dignity, and social justice, its evolution in fairly recent times into a rigid, almost punitive activism has alienated allies and even harmed our community’s progress. The 2024 election results were a wake-up call, exposing how this shift contributed to backlash, empowering a wave of anti-LGBTQ+ policies and leaders.
The Backlash Against “Woke”
In theory, “woke” culture aims to address systemic oppression. But in practice, it has often devolved into performative and punitive overreach. Richard Reeves, author of Of Boys and Men, argues that the political Left’s inflexible moralism and identity policing have driven many—particularly men—into the arms of Right-wing populists like Trump. When people feel unfairly judged or ostracized, they retaliate, as evidenced by the dramatic Republican sweep of all seven swing states in America in 2024.
For LGBTQ+ Americans, this backlash is deeply personal. Policies like Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” law, corporate rollbacks or even annihilation of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) programs, and divesting and distancing from annual Pride recognitions are direct consequences of a perceived overreach. Ironically, the Right’s assault on LGBTQ+ rights is currently visible, vivid, specific, energized, and severe, and our own internal divisions, rivalries, missteps, poor strategies, and jockeying for domination and power/influence/superiority within and among the L-G-B-T and BIPOC factions have weakened our ability to fight back against Right-wing backlash effectively.
How “Toxic Woke” Harms Gay Men
Gay men, sometimes scapegoated lately within far-Left progressive circles, have felt the brunt of toxic woke culture. Here are some examples:
- Blame and Erasure: Gay white men are increasingly portrayed as symbols of privilege and oppression, erasing their history of suffering during the AIDS crisis and ongoing struggles against discrimination, up to and including some of the most murderous and violent hate crimes in our nation (Matthew Shepard is one story among many, as well as atrocities against gay military service members). This trend disregards the contributions gay men have made to LGBTQ+ rights and community-building throughout history, with figures such as Harvey Milk, Alan Turing, Harry Hay, James Baldwin, Quentin Crisp, Barney Frank, Pete Buttigieg, and so many others.
- Workplace Hostility: The clients of my psychotherapy and coaching practices have shared with me stories of losing their jobs over unintentional missteps, such as using outdated language or declining to state pronouns in email signatures. These incidents, often lacking due process or proportionality, foster fear and resentment. In several cases I’ve discussed, there was no opportunity for discussion, clarification, rebuttal, or defense. The men in question were simply terminated from their livelihood, which is a pretty extreme outcome when you think about all the people who really should be “fired for cause” in companies, institutions, and organizations, and are not. In my career, especially in the non-profit and public sectors, I’ve witnessed sexual harassment, embezzlement, fraud, workplace bullying, and workplace violence go completely unpunished, while some of my clients were fired for the misunderstanding of a joke that wasn’t even bigoted, it was just misinterpreted, with no opportunity for clarification, background, context, or mitigation when certain people or sectors became atomically enraged and hell-bent on retribution to the alleged “perpetrator.”
- Social Fragmentation: Infighting over issues like the redesign of the LGBTQ+ community flag epitomizes the pettiness and division that undermine our collective strength. Instead of solidarity, we see cliques and hierarchies that alienate those who don’t conform to rigid ideological norms. The rageful arguments get lost in the details when the main “prize” of attaining equal legal civil rights under the Law for LGBTQ+ people goes neglected and thwarted and ultimately defeated.
- Cancel Culture’s Mental Health Toll: One of my colleagues, a very progressive clinician, author, speaker, and media personality, shared how a social media post about how he wanted to “curl up with a good book” on a rainy day. This post led to a series of enraged public shaming comments for their “insensitivity to the unhoused who don’t have a home to curl up with a good book, they sit out in the rain!” Another colleague reported being ostracized for accidentally misgendering a colleague – once – a mistake stemming from habit rather than malice or the intentional misgendering that we see from members of Congress who are ragefully and sadistically trying to insult Trans people. The fear of public censure for even “accidental” infractions has left many people feeling anxious, isolated, and even suffering symptoms of PTSD, and these are people including those within our LGBQ+ and/or BIPOC communities.
- Identity Policing: A client who chose not to include pronouns in an email signature block at work was accused of being “anti-LGBT,” despite being a member of the community themselves. Such incidents create a chilling effect, discouraging authentic expression. It’s also about “Who.” Who has such authority to be the arbiter of what will and will not be said in the spoken word? WHO created the rule that pronouns “MUST” be stated in the email signatures of all employees? Not as an option, but as a mandate. We have a problem with “WHO” is making these rules, especially about changes in language. One of my colleagues is an expert in French, and they told me that Montreal and Paris have some kind of committee or oversight body that very formally reviews changes to the official French language, such as adding words or terms, or changing or adding definitions of words, according to their current cultural and literary use; WHO does that for English? There can be a feeling that “they” are controlling these things, very aggressively, and the Conservative Voter backlash is theorized to be in retaliation for the heavy-handedness of “They” who demand language compliance with no discussion, no debate, no due process, no variation, and no exceptions.
- Dating and Relationships: Some gay men report pressure to conform to “progressive” relationship models, feeling judged for embracing monogamy on the one hand, or feeling judged for navigating polyamory in ways that don’t align with current trends that, again, “THEY” set forth as the mandate. In these issues, there can be a “tyrrany of the majority” and there can be a “tyranny of the minority.”
These issues extend beyond anecdotes. Toxic woke culture’s overreach has created a climate of fear and hypervigilance that stifles authentic expression and collaboration. Not all “debate” is hate speech. The result? A fractured community, ripe for exploitation by anti-LGBT adversaries who thrive on our community’s disunity, who take advantage of our infighting to weaken our community’s influence in the mainstream public sphere, whether that’s in the culture or in the Law of the Land.
The Historical Context of Progress and Backlash
Over the past four decades, I have observed the LGBTQ+ community’s evolution through a pendulum of progress and setbacks. The early post-Stonewall years after 1969 brought visibility and courage, sexual liberation and visibility, and cultural influence (disco, anyone?) but they were also met with the devastating impact of the AIDS crisis by 1981. Gay men, in particular, faced unparalleled stigma, discrimination, and loss, in an unrelenting epoch of trauma during the “Dying Years” in HIV/AIDS between 1981 and roughly 1995. Despite this, we forged ahead with remarkable victories like the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” Federal nationwide marriage equality, and broader representation in media and politics (like Anderson Cooper or Robin Roberts, “mainstream” media and news personalities who happen to be gay or lesbian).
However, history has shown that every wave of progress invites a reactionary backlash. The Right’s Project 2025—a meticulously crafted, 900-page manifesto—represents a calculated effort to reverse decades of civil rights gains, against all minorities – ethnicities, national origin, immigrants, veterans, differently-abled, and sexual and gender minorities. This coldly “factual” but nevertheless enraged, Chronicle of Hate document outlines specific strategies to undermine LGBTQ+ rights through policies that reinforce Christian nationalism, white supremacy, and patriarchal control of every branch and department of the United States Government. Its existence underscores the coordinated nature of our adversaries’ agenda, in stark contrast to the fragmented efforts on the Left. There is no 900-page document that is a progressive rebuttal to Project 2025, and there probably should be. But our organizations couldn’t get together and collaborate on all the different sections and divisions of labor as theirs did. Theirs was the epitome of Right-wing organizations overcoming any differences or “turf wars” and banding together to create one, whole, comprehensive, coordinated, highly-organized (and perfect in its spelling, grammar, and formatting) manifesto for implementing policy and action at every level of government to reverse any progressive action of the last forty years.
Internal Divisions and the Risks of Overreach
The LGBTQ+ movement has been plagued by internal divisions, with various subgroups competing for recognition, resources, influence, and frankly a haughty superiority. While diversity within the community is a strength, the infighting and hierarchy-building—such as debates over the redesign of the pride flag—have distracted us from our shared goals toward legal civil rights in all jurisdictions and cultural tolerance, acceptance, and peaceful co-existence. This disunity weakens our collective power and allows external forces to exploit our vulnerabilities, resulting in Black Letter Law rollbacks of our legal civil rights such as with the “Don’t Say Gay Law” in Florida, the anti-trans sports and restroom bills, and other more subtle government funding allocations, as well as the influence of anti-LGBT Evangelicals in their mission of foreign policy to influence other governments, such as the “Kill the Gays” bill in Uganda and undermining LGBTQ rights worldwide — because they can.
Moreover, the rise of toxic woke culture has exacerbated these divisions. Over-correction and over-accountability have led to disproportionate punishments for perceived transgressions. For example, workplace incidents involving minor language missteps have resulted in career-ending consequences, creating an atmosphere of fear rather than inclusive, benevolent, progressive education and growth. The emphasis on ideological purity and performative allyship has alienated even our allies outside the community who think we have taken things “too far” in what is “required” of them, and fueled resentment within our community among those who feel excluded or unfairly targeted and punished by a “They” which was never formally empowered, elected, or sanctioned.
The Mental Health Toll of “Toxic Woke”
Cancel culture, a hallmark of toxic woke activism, creates an atmosphere of fear and hypervigilance. Gay men who express nuanced or unpopular opinions—or who simply make mistakes—may worry about being publicly shamed or ostracized. This fear of “getting it wrong” can lead to anxiety, depression, and even social withdrawal, hiding out of self-protection in what has become its own sort of “closet.”
In my practice, I’ve worked with clients who have experienced the profound mental health impacts of these dynamics. One client, for example, was terminated for inadvertently using an outdated term, while another faced accusations of disloyalty after critiquing a policy that they felt was an over-correction. The trauma of these experiences often results in PTSD-like symptoms, leaving individuals struggling to rebuild their sense of self-worth, security, and professional self-confidence. No one should experience trauma in the workplace that leads to PTSD, especially for a “joke” or mis-speaking, and I’ve seen that happen more once in the past year, just among my clients.
Reclaiming Advocacy Through Rational Compassion
To counteract the damage caused by toxic woke culture, we must return to advocacy rooted in rational compassion—a commitment to empathy, inclusivity, and shared humanity. These positive concepts are more enticing for gaining support from allies, and are far less alienating than recent tactics that have resulted in backlash at the ballot box.
Here are some steps to move forward:
- Reject Extremism: Balance is key. Overzealous cancel culture and rigid ideological purity alienate potential allies and harm individuals within our community.
- Embrace Intersectionality Without Division: Recognize the unique struggles of different groups while fostering unity. Gay men’s struggles deserve attention and validation alongside of — not in competition with — the broader LGBTQ+ movement, and the specific needs of BIPOC, lesbians, bisexual women, bisexual men, bisexual non-binary people, queer, fluid, trans feminine, trans masculine, Intersex, questioning, youth, elderly, differently abled, etc.
- Promote Nuance and Dialogue: Sincere mistakes are opportunities for education, not condemnation. Create spaces for honest conversations and mutual understanding. If someone uses a slur or misgendering or other types of verbal micro (or MACRO!) aggression on purpose to insult and undermine our community, then we rise up in rage, fury, protest, and retaliation, which is exactly what sadistic, bigoted, Right-wing oppressors deserve. But that’s different from the more unintentional or nuanced mis-speaking that I have observed and for which “perpetrators” received severe punishment out of proportion to what they said/did and certainly about who they are; these were not actually bigoted people.
- Focus on Core Issues: Prioritize universal challenges within our LGBTQ+ community like access to housing, health care, employment, legal rights, public benefits, financial security, and mental health. These resonate across demographics and build bridges with allies.
Therapy and Coaching: Tools for Resilience
As a psychotherapist and coach, I’ve seen firsthand how these cultural tensions affect gay men’s mental health. Anxiety, depression, and isolation are common, exacerbated by the fear of judgment from both outside and within our community. Here’s how therapy and coaching can help:
- Clarify Values: Separate personal beliefs from external pressures. Define what activism and identity mean to you.
- Build Resilience: Learn to navigate criticism constructively and maintain self-worth amidst societal challenges.
- Strengthen Relationships: Foster authentic connections in a supportive, judgment-free environment.
- Reduce Minority Stress: Develop coping strategies to manage the compounded pressures of discrimination and identity policing.
These tools are not just theoretical. They have helped clients recover from workplace conflicts, rebuild confidence after public shaming, and navigate the complex dynamics of today’s LGBTQ+ cultural and social and political landscape. Therapy and coaching provide a path forward—a way to regain control, find balance, and reclaim joy.
The Way Forward
Today’s fight for LGBTQ+ equality requires introspection and recalibration, especially in the aftermath of a message, loud and clear, that the MAJORITY of the American Public has some problems with the Left’s progressive agenda and how it’s being rolled out. We must reject toxic woke practices that undermine our progress and focus on building a movement rooted in empathy, inclusivity, and shared purpose. This is not just about preserving our rights; it’s about creating a society where all can thrive, and it’s not a “you oppressed us for far too long, so we’re going to oppress you, now, in retaliation, and you’re gonna like it, you Patriarchal Colonist Boomer!” No one responds well to criticism like that; it just alienates them and drives them over to the Other Side – the Bigot Right Side. Especially, as we’ve seen, straight men, immigrants, Straight People of Color, and other mainstream people who are – or were – our allies, or potential allies — not even religious conservative hateful bigots whom we’ll never win over, anyway. The MIDDLE voted for Trump and Project 2025 and the aggressive rollback of minority civil rights in 2024; the MIDDLE. We need to listen to the message they are sending with that. More than just MAGA Americans voted for Trump; people from all walks of life did, including, I might add, LGBT people who would sacrifice civil rights even if they “think” that means lower prices on eggs or lower taxes on their high salaries.
As a community, we have faced adversity before and emerged stronger. By learning from our mistakes and fostering a culture of mutual respect among all majority and minority groups, we can navigate this moment of crisis and dreadful setback, and continue advancing our collective goals toward a more just society.
If you’re a gay man grappling with these challenges, therapy or coaching can provide the tools to navigate them. Let’s work together to build resilience, authenticity, and joy in your life—and in our community.
For support, reach out to me at 310-339-5778 or email Ken@GayTherapyLA.com or Ken@GayCoachingLA.com. Let’s move forward during this next volatile political epoch, together.
Ken Howard, LCSW, CST, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (#LCS18290) in California, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and a retired academic (Adjunct Associate Professor) at the University of Southern California (USC) Suzanne Dworak-Peck School of Social Work, and the Founder of GayTherapyLA ®. He has been working in LGBT and HIV/AIDS activism since 1988. He is now the most experienced gay men’s specialist psychotherapist and life/career/relationship coach for 32 years in 2024, and is in full-time private practice in West Hollywood, California, where he lives with his husband of 22 years. A library of hundreds of blog articles is available on GayTherapyLA.com/blog, GayCoachingLA.com/blog, and his podcast is heard by over 10,000 people per month in over 120 countries of the world. For more information on therapy or coaching services or to make an appointment, call/text 310-339-5778 or email Ken@GayTherapyLA.com or Ken@GayCoachingLA.com.
