Life Skills
Gay Men in Search of a Partner: Avoiding the Pitfalls of ‘Cash, Connections, and C—k’
April 9, 2012 | 
Author In my private practice in counseling and coaching gay men in West Hollywood, my clients who are single often mention a desire to find a permanent partner. This is only natural; most people (male/female/gay/straight) have an urge to find a partner/spouse to share life with, but this is by no means everyone – it’s also OK to be single. But for those who want a partner, the process can be frustrating. I hear complaints of “where are the good men” and “it seems the best guys are taken.” This is not necessarily true. Since I work with gay male couples as well, for over 20 years now, I have come to a few conclusions based on my couples work on what makes a happy relationship – and what doesn’t. This comes from many years of observation of common problems and challenges in a couple, and what common elements strengthen the relationship and help it endure over time.
To that end, I wanted to share a few observations on what a client mentioned to me as “The Three C’s”. Now, I use another version of “The Three C’s” in my work with couples – I call them Commitment, Communication and Compromise. I find that most problems in relationships are related to one of these. But my client was referring to gay men’s dating with a different set of “Three C’s”. He called them the gay men’s dating pitfalls of emphasizing “Cash, Connections, or C—k” (I’ll abbreviate that last one for a certain “professional decorum”, but you know what word I mean – think of another word for rooster).
Let’s take each of those Three C’s at a time. The first one – Cash – means that in dating, it is generally a mistake to put your number-one priority on how much money a guy earns. Sure, even your buddies might joke that they want to find a “rich boyfriend,” and we see lots of examples of this. However, when we think about what sustains a relationship over time, like sharing common interests, spending free time together, and intimacy, how much money the guy has is often irrelevant. While it’s true that a relationship with someone who is chronically unemployed by way of bad habits, or isn’t mature enough to support himself, would be undesirable, it’s not necessary that he be a wealthy man to have a happy relationship. When it comes to cash, make your own by developing your own career. Cultivate your education, skills, networking, and a body of work that speaks for itself. Build your own resume. Create a career that satisfies your ideal vision of your Professional Self (something I help many individual clients do in career coaching sessions). Have your own personal cash flow and your choice of partner be independent, separate variables. This will be very self-empowering for you to be able to choose any partner you want, regardless of having to rely on them for your support (which is dangerous for you if the relationship should ever end, leaving you without your own salary history and professional skill set in the aftermath).
The next “C” is about Connections. Too many gay men choose partners not because of their emotional and sexual attraction, but because of their “connections” to influential people and opportunities – and in Los Angeles, this often means to the entertainment industry, for young Hollywood Hopefuls, but it can also be in other fields. While I encourage my clients to identify and cultivate relationships with people who can be mentors in your chosen profession, including seeking out “informational interviews” with professionals whom you admire, I believe that your career connections and your choice of a domestic partner for a relationship should also be two independent variables. Imagine how you would feel if a person was only paying attention to you – especially romantically – for the job you had, or the status/position you held, or the people you knew who could help that person succeed professionally. You would, naturally, feel resentful and objectified, and want to be validated for yourself as a person, not just what’s written on your business card. Well, the partners that you seek out would feel the same way. Keep your mentors and networking contacts separate from the man you love at home.
The last “C” is, well, the big one: “C—k”. Or maybe it’s not a “big one;” that’s my point. When you’re choosing your mate for theoretically a lifelong relationship, the “size” of your guy should actually be a fairly minor consideration. Far too many gay men who are seeking a lifetime of love and companionship (and, yes, sex) limit their social and sexual contacts to men who are particularly well-endowed. This isn’t everyone – especially tops and even squeamish bottoms – but far too many guys place penis size above all – or at least most – other considerations of a man’s suitability for a relationship. This is a mistake. If you do this, then the novelty of his endowment will eventually wear off and you’ll be left with whatever remains. If the man of your dreams is less endowed than you would like, see if you can compromise on this. There is also the possibility of using larger toys to satisfy you, or negotiating an open relationship just for the purpose of occasional romps with Mr. Big (one couple I worked with did just that, and their problem was solved).
I’ve always said that a gay man’s relationship must work on four levels: Emotionally, Physically, Domestically, and a fourth area that I call “Managing The Other” – which includes not letting exes, other gay men, roommates, intrusive parents, neighbors, or bosses undermine the commitment and quality of your relationship. And, yes, sexual satisfaction is part of making it work physically. But to put an emphasis on size above all other considerations for your potential partner confuses the issue on whether you really want a partner – or just a piece of one.
There are other considerations in gay men’s relationships that need attention. For example, I also help couples and individuals with the issue of addictions in a relationship – whether it’s alcoholism, sex addiction, workaholism, or some other substance/process addiction. But if you avoid over-emphasizing the “Three C’s” as discussed above, your quest to find “Mr. Right” may be enhanced. And if you need additional guidance on how to maximize your chances of finding a suitable mate, consider booking some counseling or coaching sessions. These can be effective in shortening your search by getting to the heart of what’s preventing it from happening for you now.
To book your appointment, call 310-726-4357, or email me at Ken@GayTherapyLA.com. (Phone coaching available for persons outside California)
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November 12, 2011: Build Your Confidence
One of the most common themes I see in my office doing counseling, psychotherapy, and coaching with gay male individuals and gay couples is that of low self-esteem and low self-confidence. It’s not surprising; as little gay boys, we get exposed to anti-gay messages outright, or at least to the “invisibility” that comes with the dominant heterosexist paradigm of society (the erroneous belief, according to gay psychologist Gregory Herek, Ph.D., that everyone either IS, or SHOULD BE heterosexual). One of the biggest problems that comes with the tyranny of the majority of heterosexual privilege is that it functions to undermine the self-esteem of all LGBT people (but I focus on gay men here) from a young age.
The adult manifestations of the internalized homophobia and negative messages from society, media, parents, siblings, teachers, coaches, etc. include a general “not feeling good” about yourself, not achieving the career you want, not getting a boyfriend/partner/spouse, not being paid enough at work, not having a safe/comfortable home, not driving a reliable car, not taking care of your health, not mitigating risks at all (unsafe sex, too much alcohol, gambling, etc.), and all the while believing on some level that we, as gay boys, somehow “deserve” to have a life that is “less than” our heterosexual brethren. Baloney.
The little ways it manifests include not being comfortable to ask a guy on a date, not feeling comfortable to go to a party or networking event, avoiding buying a stylish outfit (that you can afford) because you’re afraid you won’t look good in it, and not asking for what we need for many ways.
What do we DO about it? A lot! I could give the flip answer of “go into counseling”, and while that is important and valuable (even if I do say so myself), not everyone is ready for that. So, here are some quick tips, to tide you over until we can really get to work:
1) Understand that you didn’t create the negative messages in your head, you’re only repeating them. Babies aren’t born self-critical; kids (and adults) only get that way because somehow they are hearing they aren’t “good enough” for some reason, and it’s usually a stupid reason (like homophobia, bigotry, or some form of “exclusion” or “elitism”). Understand that while the messages got “in”, it’s up to you make sure they “get out.” If a belief about yourself doesn’t serve you in your adult life, personally or professionally, change it. Louise Hay’s affirmation (famous in her book, You Can Heal Your Life, HayHouse.com), “I love and approve of myself just as I am,” is a classic. Repeat this until you believe it, even it’s 1,000 times a day at first.
2) Begin to notice how often your mind’s “voice” tells you a negative message like “I can’t do that” or, “He’d never like me.” When you catch yourself sending yourself a negative message, stop it, freeze-frame it, and then re-write it: “I have never done that before, but I will try my best now.” Or, “He’s a handsome guy, and wouldn’t it be great if he agreed to date me. If not, there are other fish in the sea and it’s his loss.” You see the difference? To build your confidence, your job is to play “copy editor” with the negative messages in your head until every one of them has been re-written to something positive, or at least something neutral.
3. Apply critical thinking to the negative messages that you carry around in your head about you. Who first told you that? Do you respect their opinion? (In the case of parents who told us the negative message, it’s only human nature to want to believe what they said when we are young children, but sometimes we are older now than they were when they said it). But what if we take that person, and understand that maybe instead of being the authority on everything, they had their own weaknesses, jealousies, insecurities, neuroses, projections, and untamed aggressions that clouded their judgment of you? Then the message loses a little of its sting. If a madman walks up to you on the sidewalk and says, “I’m Julius Caesar, and I declare you the scourge of my empire; you should die by the nearest sword!”, you would be a little scared, but mostly you’d think he was ridiculous because you know he’s suffering from an untreated mental illness and his statement can’t be taken at face value. However, if your cherished mentor in your writing group says that Act II of your script needs a re-write because you didn’t appropriately emphasize the main character, you might take their advice more seriously and do the re-write. In each of these two cases, you are exercising judgment on when to believe someone’s opinions of you, and when not to. This is what makes you an empowered adult, with the critical thinking skills that children lack. Never believe a negative statement about yourself from someone who has hateful, elitist, aggressive, ignorant, discriminatory, superficial, and self-indulgent values you don’t respect.
4. To build your confidence for achieving things, believe in not “if” something is possible, but under what circumstances or HOW it would be possible. It’s not about thinking, “The CEO of my company would never want to talk to little old me about advancing my career”; it’s, “How can I ask the CEO’s assistant for a 15-minute slot on his calendar to ask him about how he built his career out of the mailroom?”
5. Don’t be afraid to use silly mind-trick encouragements. If you have to use the story of, “The Little Engine That Could” (“I think I can, I think I can”) then for heaven’s sake, use it! It might be the difference between having the confidence to ask your boss for a raise (that’s another blog article entirely) and getting by with the same salary you had last year. Or, pretend that you are someone you know who has confidence and poise, and “play the part.” People in AA will often say that acting “as if” something is true, helps you to manifest it actually happening – fake it till you make it.
6. Get impatient. One of the best ways to move past a lack of confidence is to simply declare to yourself that there just isn’t TIME for this nonsense. There are projects to be accomplished. There are people to see. There are places to go. There are dates to have. There is sex to be had. There are games to be won. There is LIFE to be lived. Even if you live to be 100, there isn’t time for self-doubt; there is only time for doing. Because living your life with confidence is what your life is there for. It’s what you are here to do.
Give these ideas a try. And if you need more support for your specific situation, consider reading my book, Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!, available at LuLu.com (hardcover or paperback), or on Amazon.com (hardcover and e-book). Or, let’s work on it together, in either in-person sessions in my office, or over the phone (310) 726-4357.
It’s never too late to be what you might have been.
The Importance of Focus and Hope in Your Work
In psychotherapy and coaching sessions with my gay male clients every day, I’ve noticed lately that a frequent focus is about work issues. This makes sense, given that the news and current events atmosphere has focused on a volatile political and economic climate: we get bombarded with news daily, from everything from Facebook to newspaper headlines to network TV news, about a poor job market, global economic peril, and the almost pathetically comical political race for the 2012 elections about who is going to “save the country” and return us all to prosperity. As much as I believe a lot of that is political posturing, for my clients’ sake, I long for the days where I am helping a client make a decision between which of three new job offers to take, or role-playing with them how to do a salary negotiation, or educating clients on which local gay-related charities I recommend for them to donate part of this year’s large annual bonus to (these are things that used to be much more frequent in my office).
Today, I help my clients do more work on maintaining their current job, working out conflicts within it with colleagues, or helping them to find enough work as an independent professional to keep their incomes stable. I don’t blame my clients for being anxious; there is much to be anxious about, especially when we are all subject to inflammatory media messages on a daily basis that the sky is falling, because, you know, “bad news sells newsapers.”
That’s why I try to encourage my clients facing professional challenges to keep a sense of focus and hope. It does no one any good at all to succumb to the news, however much it’s a mixture of hype versus fact. My clients are often handsome, intelligent, knowledgeable men who have learned to grow a thick skin by growing up gay in a more or less homophobic society. For this reason, they are very often excellent salesmen. They’ve had to learn to “read” people when they developed their “gaydar” to see which men are safe to approach romantically or sexually. They’ve to learn to mount defenses to people who would challenge them. Gay culture, in general, tends to teach culture and sophistication, and we often appear “charming” to straight customers. All of these qualities lend themselves to being an influential salesperson.
This can be sales of a product or service (many of the guys I work with are the top salesmen in their company and the envy of the straight guys, who often don’t look as good in a designer suit or can’t charm female (or even male) clients with the same panache). It can also be selling yourself (not in “that” sense, usually, although I have worked with a number of successful escort boys) in the sense of bringing your creative talents to market – as with actors, TV writers, designers, photographers, fashion designers, architects, and interior designers, all who work for themselves as what I call the “gay male creative entrepreneur” as self-employed independent contractors (West Hollywood is nicknamed “the creative city”, after all!).
And what qualities do my most successful clients exhibit? I think they are focus and hope. Our work is often about maintaining a focus on what mindset, point-of-view, and mental positive statements to maintain to get a certain job “deal,” succeed at it, or parlay that success to the next gig. When challenged by not enough work or not enough of the work projects that are especially desired, it’s maintaining hope that their skills, talents, and abilities are indeed needed, often desperately, by someone, somewhere, who is willing to pay for them. Getting work is often a match-making process between the skills and talents that you have, and the person who needs those skills and talents to achieve something important to their own job (think of a casting director who needs to cast just the “right” actor for a part, or an entire movie full of parts!).
I encourage the use of what’s called “metrics” – which is maintaining some sort of records (it could even be an Excel spreadsheet, Quicken data, or other database; even a notebook) of previous sales, deals, and successes. Then, looking at where they came from, what kind of networking did you do to bring those opportunities about, what skills got you the gig, and what the final benefits were to the client you worked for. By analyzing past data, you can get an idea of what’s worked in the past, and what’s likely to work in the future. If you’re a fashion designer who makes commissioned dresses that are one-of-a-kind, and your last three clients who paid $3,000 each for formal event gowns were high-income middle-aged women in West Los Angeles, then it might behoove you to think about what that demographic reads or looks at online to determine where your next advertising strategy might be. If you’re a salesman and the majority of your last quarter sales were all to small start-up companies with young female decision-makers, you might want to call on other companies in your territory that fit that description. Sometimes the best predictor of future success is looking at where your success has come from in the recent past. This kind of focus helps you maintain the hope that you are making the progress you want to make toward your professional goals this year.
It’s important that if you have fallen into the opposites of focus and hope, which are feelings of being demoralized, scattered, unmotivated, or even resentful, and you’ve lost hope, energy, drive, and confidence, that you work quickly to reverse these and mitigate any damage they are causing to your professional “mojo.” Sometimes you need prompting and an outside person to ask you the right questions, help you clarify your own feelings, and identify your internal strengths or external resources that you might have been overlooking. Counseling and coaching can help, before current circumstances undermine the pursuit of your vision of your Ideal Professional Self.
Gay Men’s Mental Health in the Current Political Climate: A Lesson in Hope and Resilience
As the first activities in the 2012 election season begin with events like the recent Republican Iowa Straw Poll, I have noticed an increase in reported stress in my daily practice of therapy with gay men. It seems that the rhetoric in the news daily is an irritant to the men I work with in a way that exacerbates anxiety and/or depression.
We hear Michele Bachmann’s ill-informed rhetoric that is nothing but hateful and mean-spirited. Gay men use their inherent “gaydar” on her husband and rail at his (alleged) hypocrisy and self-loathing as a “therapist” (though he’s not licensed in ANY state) who (allegedly) performs “reparative” or “conversion” therapy on gay men, a technique that has been discredited by every major mental health organization in the United States for many years.
We see victories like achieving full marriage equality rights in New York, but in the process, we hear the hateful rhetoric from the “other side” that the media insists on reporting (when no other minority’s “other side” gets much media reporting).
All of this goes beyond the collective “current events” and impacts individual gay men’s lives, sense of self, mood, and overall mental health and functioning. Hate speech by conservative politicians is an assault for which gay men must develop resilience to in order not to succumb to its ill effects. I hear the anger, frustration, sense of injustice, impatience, and a little despair in my clients’ voices when they report what negative news they have been exposed to, and how it affects them.
It’s easy to say, “Oh, just shrug it off”, but no other current group in America is the recipient (victim?) of so much negative public rhetoric (with the possible exception of illegal immigrants — keyword there, illegal; gay and lesbian American citizens are breaking no laws of the land, even if they are assaulted by the Right with breaking “God’s law”, which is irrelevant to civic life). The truth is, the almost daily new bad rhetoric against the LGBT community, and gay men in particular, is a blight on the mental health of these American citizens. No wonder we’re angry.
What can we do about it? I offer my clients various tips to cope with the hostile media environment without condoning it. These include:
1) Limit yourself to how much “news” you are exposed to — online, TV, radio, Facebook, Twitter, office water cooler, or whatever the source.
2) Understand that coping with helplessness is a lesson in understanding what you CAN do, and affect, and what you CAN’T. Doing what you can WILL make a difference. Protest. Write editorials. And perhaps most of all, vote for gay-affirmative candidates at every opportunity.
3) Trust history. Women, African-Americans, Jews, workers, and others endured much public negative rhetoric before finally achieving equal rights under the Law.
4) Diversify your attention. Sure, it’s great to be an informed citizen. I think that’s part of civic duty and a part of self-empowerment. But you can’t save the world; even Superman sleeps or eats or bangs Lois Lane once in a while. If you have your own fun, the bad guys don’t win in their attempts to defeat your spirit. Living well is the best revenge.
5) Evaluate the source of negative rhetoric and realize their agenda behind it — money, power, Narcissistic ego satisfaction, Sadistic impulses, etc. One way to build resilience is to completely divest ANY respect for the aggressor. They are buffoons who publicly despise the gay community in service to their own selfish power-grab (The Bachmanns, Perry, Romney, Santorum, Palin, Dobson, Robertson, etc.). However, they can be gaining political POWER, and this is why they must be defended against in all legal ways (voting, protest, public education, person-to-person education, etc.).
6) Separate how negative rhetoric in the media is affecting your anxiety and/or depression, versus other sources, such as natural ups and downs in your symptoms. Evaluate also the role of other stressors in your life: financial, health, local, interpersonal, domestic, occupational, etc.
In the current climate, negative anti-gay rhetoric DOES indeed impede our quality of life — but only to a certain degree. Much of rhetoric we can ignore, except if it leads to the stripping of legal civil rights by candidates who have promised to do so. Then, we must answer the call to mount a defense to that threat, lest the situation worsens beyond the point where we can defend ourselves legally, emotionally, and even physically.
The current political climate now — and probably for some time yet to come in the new election season — is a combination of reasons for much hope, and also a time of threat and apprehension, but with the commitment and belief that our rights will steadily march along the path of progress. Self-empowerment is being an informed citizen and exercising your rights, but balancing this with your own personal and individual needs for peace of mind. Achieving this balance can help you to…Have the Life You Want!
Memory: Blessing or Curse?
I thought about this recently, after a particularly busy day of sessions of clients in my practice. Is having memory a blessing, or a curse?
I was moved by stories of clients who are abuse survivors, with their ability to recall the traumatically abusive incidents that happened to them in detail from various self-indulgent and sick individuals who couldn’t contain their emotionally and physically violent impulses and perpetrated terrible interpersonal crimes. Such minute details – about exactly what was said, what was seen, heard, felt – physically and emotionally – and of course the aftermath of denial, disbelief, dismissiveness, obfuscation, deflecting – making it all even worse. Memory, in those instances, was a cruel tyrant, not letting them forget things that are a re-injury every time they are recalled.
But many years ago, early in my career, I worked at a psychiatric hospital that had a senior citizen patient program. There is nothing quite like being with a group of people with life-long mental illness, including personality disorders, combined with the effects of aging. An old, entitled Narcissist is something to see. But I developed compassion for these patients, who had had to endure the loss of so much – first, their mental health, but over time, their loved ones, their careers, and their sense of familiarity with the ever-changing world. One of their few solaces was memory – which was consistently intact among the group of them – all too ready to reminisce about happier, healthier times, and putting their own personal spin on historical times and events that they were there to see, and I only experienced through history books. Memory, in those instances, was a benevolent friend, who gave them a smooth-paved road to emotional comfort and joy, at least for as long as a moment of reverie might last.
In mental health, there is so much duality. Memory can be a tyrant, or a friend. Our same energetic impulses that can get us in trouble if we don’t manage anger, are the same angry impulses that can set limits and protect us from being abused or exploited by others when we defend ourselves – interpersonally, or politically. Our healthy passions that give us a good appetite and a strong libido, taken to their extremes, can lead to obesity and sexual addiction. Our impulses to act that keep us from languishing and not accomplishing anything, can lead to foolhardiness and impulsivity on their opposite. What are we left with?
We’re left with the responsibility that we must harness our own self-empowerment (my favorite word in mental health) to regulate our memory, our emotions, our impulses, our drives. We have to summon up the things we need to get by in life – our internal resources of courage, resolve, focus, determination, action, patience, and discretion — but we must know how to dial back so that we don’t pay the price of excess. Too much courage, we bully others. Too little, we are victims. Too much action, we exhaust ourselves. Too little, and we languish in the status quo. Too much patience, we lose opportunity. Too little, we lose opportunity as well. Too little discretion, we waste our resources. Too much, and we never get anything done or have any fun outside of our comfort zone.
Think about what balance means for you. What would you like to try to forget, to reduce Memory being a tyrant? What would you like to be sure to recall – often – that helps you to stay inspired, motivated, and positive in your outlook?
What impulses and actions of yours are dormant, and need a little boosting and waking up so that you can harness and apply their energies more effectively?
What impulses and actions of yours are wily and untamed, and need a little “grooming” so that you don’t feel like they’re getting away from you, and making you pay a price you don’t want to pay anymore?
Asking ourselves how we can use our internal and emotional resources better, more efficiently, and more effectively, can help us to reach the goals we set for ourselves, increase our sense of peace-of-mind, and our self-empowerment – to have the life we want.
(My new book, “Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!” is available in e-book format for Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook, Apple iBook via Smashwords, and soon in hardcover at LuLu.com. My podcast, “Have the Life You Want with Ken Howard, LCSW”, is enjoyed in over 30 countries of the world and is available on iTunes, Zune, and Podcast Alley).
Valentine’s Day for Single Gay Men — Coping with Hope
Valentine’s Day, for all its lovely sentiment, is perhaps one of the most divisive holidays of the year. Everyone can enjoy New Year’s; every American can enjoy President’s Day (thankfully coming up very soon) and Independence Day; we each have a birthday. But Valentine’s Day is a “holiday for lovers”, and many single people can end up feeling left out. When I was younger, I used to darkly refer to Valentine’s Day as like “having a track meet outside a hospital for paraplegics.” It’s a hard holiday for people who are single and want partners (as opposed to those who don’t), because it starkly draws that contrast between having a partner and not in a very public, almost obnoxious way. It’s especially hard for gay men who want partners and feel left out, because as gay men, we grow up for years with SO much feeling of being left out of heterosexual privileges, that Valentine’s Day can be just one more thing on that list.
How, then, do we cope with that, if we are single? I call it “coping with hope” (which is a title that I admit I affectionately “rip off” from the annual HIV mental health conference I used to co-chair with the UCLA/Pacific AIDS Education and Training Center, which referred to coping with the hope that HIV could be eradicated). “Coping with hope” means that a single person on Valentine’s Day is having to cope with the frustration of not having a partner, and the hope of finding one, all at the same time.
Coping with any situation involves understanding a situation as clear-eyed and realistically as possible, with no illusions, denial, or distortions. Coping is also realistically recognizing our strengths and weaknesses. Coping means borrowing from AA’s “serenity prayer” that asks for the “serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In the situation of wanting a partner, dancing deftly among this serenity/courage balance is tricky.
It’s a time to realistically assess why you do not have a partner, when you say you want one. Are you being too picky? Are you emphasizing the wrong things (such as focusing on sex too much, when you’re looking for love?) Are you devoting enough time and energy to being what I call “interested, and interesting” in attracting a partner? Are you unconsciously avoiding relationships because of fear of repeating your parents’ dysfunctional marriage, having to share, or facing responsibility to another? Are you doing a reasonable amount (key word “reasonable”) to be attractive to others? Are you doing something (such as cognitive therapy) about any social anxiety or shyness issues? (That’s a HUGE issue I work with clients on in my practice; I think it’s a rare person who DOESN’T struggle with social anxiety, at least at times, and yet this can delay or kill certain life goals). These are all important questions to ask yourself, but sometimes, it’s just a matter of patience. (I used to use Diana Ross’ song, “You Can’t Hurry Love” as a theme for this. )
The magic of all the stars aligning just right to create partnerships is an alchemy that no one as yet can fully figure out. There are so many variables, and “rules” (such as not sleeping with someone on the first date) were made to be broken (I readily admit that I met my husband in a dance club, and slept with him on the first night (a Sunday, no less) — breaking lots and lots of rules, there — and we’ve been together for 9 years, living together for 7, and married for almost 3. Like I said, rules were made to be broken. But I also remember that I was “putting myself out there”, not so much to find a partner, as to be an active member of the community and see friends in a general gay ”gathering place”, after many years of being single as a gay male adult). While I think finding a partner takes a certain serendipity that can be frustratingly elusive, I also think we can influence the variables by being as vibrant, caring, and active a single person as possible, in our work and play, and as cliche as it sounds, loving ourselves first.
In the meantime, don’t let the intent of Valentine’s Day elude you because you don’t have a partner. There are still relationships to celebrate, with friends, perhaps parents, siblings, nieces/nephews, even children in your life. It’s also about expressing affection — perhaps through the traditional paper Valentine card, and perhaps via an e-card, email, or text. Ask yourself, Who is important to you in your life that you can express affection to on this day that is devoted to expressing affection to loved ones?
If all this is very hard, and you are truly hurting, then perhaps it’s time to get help for that. Having a good Valentine’s Day by this time next year means becoming self-empowered (my favorite word in my psychotherapy/coaching practice) to do it. And coping with the hope that we can achieve many of our life goals, including having a partner, over time. But I think it takes work. Every client I’ve ever seen, in my 18 years of doing psychotherapy with gay men, who has gone from working with me as a single person to having a partner, has had to “stack the deck” in his favor by working on it, in various ways, to increase the odds that a suitable relationship emerges in his life.
If Valentine’s Day is about expressing affection, let me start by expressing my affection for all who take the time to read this. It is my honor and privilege to help people, via my practice, blog, podcast, etc., and I truly value you and appreciate the opportunity to share with you, not only formal skills of counseling, but also my affection for helping out guys in the community. So, no red hearts or cupids — but perhaps just a big thank you and an XOXO to all who need it or want it on this day. 
Conquering Anxiety with… Probability??
Think about how you’ve been feeling lately. Felt any anxiety?
If no, perhaps get another cup of coffee, read another blog, or go back to work.
But my guess is, yes, you have felt at least some anxiety about something in relatively recent times. Like maybe this morning.
I think what has helped me, personally, the most in managing anxiety (yes, therapists have feelings, too, including anxiety at times), as well as what has helped my patients, is disarming anxiety by way of… probability. Yes, probability.
Wait, hear me out. While that might sound really strange, let’s take a closer look: I define anxiety as “the fear of loss”. It can be loss of our physical security, such as if I don’t wear my car seatbelt, I might be anxious that if I have an accident, I’ll be thrown from the car and crushed in a million pieces. Fair enough; wear the belt. But I might also be anxious before I speak to a large audience (heck, even a small one — ever had to make a presentation at work??). But in that case, the audience isn’t going to crush me into a million pieces. The “loss” in this situation might be a threat to the loss of our dignity, or looking socially inept if the audience doesn’t like our presentation. So, why are the feelings of anticipatory anxiety the same? Because in both cases, it’s the anticipation of the fear of possible loss.
And it’s that “anticipation of the fear of possible loss” where probability comes into play. We have to ask ourselves, while we are in the role of fortune-telling, future-predicting swami, what is the fear, specifically, that arouses my anxiety? Am I going to go out there, give my presentation to an audience, and have them throw rotten tomatoes at me while they scream, Boo! Get off the stage, you quack, Howard! Then we have to ask ourselves, How likely is what I fear to happen? What is its probability? In a case like that, not very much. So, if the probability is not bloody likely, then why do we have fear? What happens to our fear, when we assess the probability of it actually happening? Kinda takes the wind out of our Anxiety Sails, doesn’t it?
Let’s try a different anxiety, same situation. What if I’m anxious because part of my presentation isn’t rehearsed well, because I had to work late last night on another deadline and only rehearsed the first two-thirds of my speech? What if I’m anxious because I might look stupid because the last third isn’t well-rehearsed, and I might get very confrontive questions from the audience on that portion, and I might blush and feel flustered and embarrassed? OK; the probability of that happening might be a little more, if we truly did not rehearse adequately. But what if, instead of getting flustered, we rely on our considerable experience and knowledge from previous presentations and make a good “improvisation” at that point, and just go with the flow, trusting that we know what we’re talking about in the general area of that last portion of the presentation, because, after all, we wrote it? We have a coping strategy in the moment. OK, now what happens to our anxiety? Less, right? Because we feel prepared and confident, including the parts that feel least prepared.
In other words, our anxiety is always reduced when we consider that it is human nature to over-state the probability of our fear fantasies (and we humans are a creative bunch; we do tend to have wildly imaginative fear fantasies). And, our anxiety is reduced when we have something — anything — that is a potential coping strategy.
So, the next time you feel anxious, you have work to do. Ask yourself:
1) What are my fear fantasies?
2) How likely is that to actually happen?
3) How could I cope with the situation even if that did happen?
and….
4) How can I re-focus my thinking on something more realistic that helps me to concentrate on something more important?
See? And you thought those classes in Statistics and Probability back in school wouldn’t ever be useful.
December 21, 2010: Hobbling Around and Taking a Closer Look
I’ve been less active, overall, since recovering from total hip replacement surgery on my right hip on December 6 (the left one was done in April, 2008, so I kind of know the drill). As I hobble around, walking with the aid of a cane for about the next two months while I undergo physical therapy, I was frustrated with not being able to really “run the rat race” at my usual speed. Everything takes longer, especially my morning routine, and for a gay man, that’s a loooong time!
But it’s also allowed me to have one of the best holiday seasons in a long time, because when everything is slowed down, you really see every detail of your life. It’s like HD TV. And while, just like HD TV, it can show things that are unpleasant in detail (like noticing dust on things you don’t normally notice), for the most part, it brings vivid detail to life. The practice of “stop and smell the roses” is something a hip replacement will definitely inspire. I’m not smelling that many roses in December, but I am slowing down enough to savor things that we usually take for granted. Even walking. I’m so grateful that my inability to walk normally is temporary, a recovery from a surgery where muscles are strained, but not permanently damaged. It gives me a new gratitude for just the basic function of walking, and a renewed sensitivity and admiration for those who can’t. This recovery is not the most fun thing in the world, but I feel like I mustn’t complain, when I think of those who won’t walk with physical therapy, or at all — or those, like soldiers at Walter Reed Hospital in Washington, who, because of Bush’s blood-for-oil wars, don’t have legs anymore. I will never forgive that awful — AWFUL — man for what he has done to our world, and to so many people. I will hold the legacy of George W. Bush in enmity for the rest of my life, as I do with the uber-evil Ronald Wilson Reagan (666). Because the policies of men like that lead to the needless suffering of men who struggle to complete the most basic of life tasks. Cane or not, one has to “stand” for something, and I try to “stand” for justice — particularly for the under-dog — whenever I can.
Having a physical challenge to overcome, then, sure does prompt philosophical thinking and perspective. And a certain “mindfulness”, which is a popular buzzword today in psychotherapy, however fleeting that model might be. Facing these temporary challenges as best I can, with the best attitude I can toward growth, gratitude, determination, persistence, and appreciation, is important because it helps me “walk my talk” with my clients. They see me in my office during therapy with my cane at my side, and there is a certain “If I can do THIS, you can do THAT” — whether it’s facing their own health challenges, or other kinds of life challenges that we work on in therapy.
Like everything, I try to take a lesson from this period of physical recovery and learn something from it. And the lessons are profound — appreciating every moment of life, especially at the holiday season, for we’ll all be walking right past the holidays, into the new year, cane-free, soon enough, walking full-pace back in the rat-race. I just hope I remember to still stop and smell the roses.
Tags: December 16, 2010: The HIV 'Cure' and Never Say Never
With the news this week that a man has been declared officially “cured” of HIV by way of stem cell therapy (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/14/hiv-cure-berlin-patient_n_796521.html), I was heartened, to say the least. Immediately, my mind went to two things: one was about what this means for the immediate future of HIV eradication research, and how soon could something like that one, unique man’s experience be extrapolated to the entire HIV-positive population, and two, a more emotional side — How many people that we lost, or that I lost personally, would have loved to have seen this day? This is the day that many said could never arrive, the day that we declare the “c-word” — no, not that one — CURE in HIV.
I wondered what my friends Keith Markin, or Fernando Baell, or Charlie Wills would say about this day. Knowing them, I think it would be a chorus of “it’s about fucking time!” And they would be right. This day does seem a little long-time coming, 30 years into the HIV/AIDS epidemic. And the full day of known “cure” for all still eludes us. But this day does give hope that this very easily could be “the beginning of the end” of HIV as we know it. And, as I sit and recover from my second hip replacement surgery (December 6) due to HIV-related Avascular Necrosis, a bone disease, boy do I “know it” all too well!
But beyond what this news means for the medical, and more specifically HIV medical community, I think about the existential and philosophical aspects of this news. I think about how this defies nay-sayers that cure is “impossible”, just like the nay-sayers circa 1955 or so who said that we would never put a man on the moon. To say it reminds me of, “Never Say Never” might be a little cliche’, but I often think in cliches (as anyone who reads my writing knows).
I think of this news in the context of the time period that it comes to us — the holiday season. More specifically, the Christmas season. I don’t identify as being particularly religious, and I’m the first one to defiantly, humorously, subversively, and just a little bit ragefully challenge the prevailing notion of the implied “superiority” of so-called “Christians” and the general passive or active homophobia, heterosexism, and just plain hate of far too many of them. But if we take the Christian idea, or dare we say “myth” (don’t shoot; it’s just a blog!), that Christmas is representative of the birth of Hope, of Peace, and of a Sun (“son”), what better time of year for news that something as antithetical to Hope and Peace such as HIV could be “cured”, at least once?
The implications of this news extend beyond the medical fascination of it all. It is a parable, a Life Lesson, a historical reminder that things DO change. That the diffculties that seem “un-curable” today may indeed be “curable” tomorrow. Or a thousand tomorrows after that.
It needs to be said that this man’s experience is extraordinary, and the measures used were something that would not be feasible to apply to everyone living with HIV. It’s really still considered a “fluke”. But, that said, I still think HIV’s days are numbered. Polio’s certainly were. The Bubonic Plague’s were. Smallpox’s were. Diseases are just as superficially vulnerable as fashion; they “go out”. HIV has been an unwelcome guest at the World Party for far too long, and you know, it’s just getting to be that time. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
Whatever your nay-saying is, stop for a minute and challenge the “permanence” of that thinking. Never say never. Let there be a Birth of Hope for you this holiday season. Happy Holidays!
November 10, 2010: Do You Have 'Professional Self-Esteem'?
In recent years in my psychotherapy practice, I have noticed a dramatic increase in the demand for more “coaching”-style services, and I have been happy to develop this for my clients. There are personal coaching issues, to be sure, but what I find much more frequently is that clients need professional coaching, especially for what I call the “independent professional solo entrepreneur”, meaning people who make their living as a self-employed professional, in a variety of fields. The fields range from TV writers, to actors, architects, fashion designers, singers, office furniture salesmen, hair stylists, personal fitness trainers, lawyers, doctors, salesmen, etc.
What I find is that in the context of a major national recession, people need support for opening, sustaining, and maximizing their business. We have discussed a number of topics, which include how to have the confidence to start a business, who can support the endeavor, how will it be financed, what is the competition, how will the business be marketed, who is the target niche audience, and how to measure success. We’ve also discussed fear of “failure”, and actually, much more often, fear of success.
What I have concluded after doing this work for quite some time is that there is a concept that I call “Professional Self-Esteem” involved here. I’ve always said that in business, it’s not “the competition” that holds us back, or even a recessionary market, but ourselves, and our negative thinking that undermines reaching our professional goals. Developing professional self-esteem is part of the process of removing the barriers between us, and the success we dream of. Dreams are just “goals without timelines”. In business coaching, we talk about Success Goals, how they are defined, and what resources we need to reach them.
Professional self-esteem, then, I believe, is made of the following components:
- Recognizing ourselves as having the interest, aptitude, talent, and SKILLS required to do a certain profession
- Believing in ourselves enough to close any “gaps” in our skills and qualifications, through education, mentoring, and independent reading/research/study
- Reflecting on ourselves and removing any “guilt” or barriers to fully accepting success
- “Making friends with money” – Being confident that we can earn a good (or great!) living doing what we love, without guilt, because we have a mechanism for giving back (Jack Canfield’s great book, The Success Principles, talks about the “tithe” — giving a percentage of your income to worthy causes, which I’ve done for a number of years with great joy and satisfaction. That way, the more you earn, the more the “causes” you support earn!)
- Identifying and re-writing any mental “negative messages” that we grew up with, that we “can’t” or that we’re not “good enough”
- Evaluating ourselves to know what we do well in our profession, and what needs work. We don’t beat ourselves up; we humbly identify areas to improve, and make a commitment to shore them up. We also identify the resources we need to improve.
- We confidently identify the resources we need to succeed — internal resources, like responsibility, commitment, confidence, stamina, determination, creativity, and persistence, or external resources, like mentors, books, courses, websites, workbooks, research data, advertising/marketing strategies, etc.
- Challenging the belief that life is here to “suffer through” in jobs we hate, or even just “tolerate”, instead of going after our dream job that we do better than just about anyone else we know.
There are more nuances to Professional Self-Esteem that come up in client sessions, but these are the primary ones. Do you have “professional self-esteem”? If not, which components do you need to do some work on to cultivate?
My upcoming book, entitled (appropriately), Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want!, has an entire chapter devoted to closing the gap between how life is, and how you would like it to be, in your Career. Stay tuned for additional information on how to get it.
You could also close that gap between where you are, and where you’d like to be, in achieving the ideal vision of your Professional Self, by doing therapy or coaching.
Doing what you love, with the talents you have, and earning a living doing it, can help you to…Have the Life You Want!