This article comes from my work with gay men around confidence, relationships, and long-term emotional and sexual well-being.
If you want to see what working with me looks like:
In a previous article (here), I cautioned single gay men about their dating skills and avoiding the all-too-often seen pitfalls of putting the emphasis in dating on the wrong things, such as Cash, Connections, and C—k. As someone in a 19-year gay relationship with my partner/husband, I always say to clients that the things that seem important during dating aren’t really the things that are important that hold up in long-term relationships.
Your needs, and your partner’s needs, can vary widely. In my 29 years (in 2021) of providing individual and couples therapy as a gay men’s specialist, I’ve certainly seen the variety of styles of gay men’s relationships, and they are all over the map.
Here, I’d like to share some observations on how gay male couples succeed with relationships that are both long and enduring, as well as with high levels of reported satisfaction, which are often the two criteria we use to evaluate relationships: duration and quality.
Your needs that need to be met for your relationship to be both enduring and satisfying usually come down to these. Let’s discuss:
1. Emotional
Getting your emotional needs met from a partner/spouse is probably the most important factor across the lifespan of a relationship…
If this framework is resonating and you’re realizing that some of your needs aren’t being met — or that you and your partner keep getting stuck around the same issues — that’s usually a sign it’s time to do something with that awareness.
You can explore working with me here:
Partners provide emotional support just for companionship first, and then perhaps as a source of feedback or advice…
Putting It Together
So as you approach dating if you’re single, or progressing in your relationship if you’re already partnered, try to focus on the key things that tend to matter over the long term…
If this topic resonates, you’re not alone — and this is exactly the kind of work I do with men who want
real, practical change, not just insight.
I help clients turn understanding into action — improving confidence, relationships, and quality of life
in a thoughtful, sex-positive, and affirming therapy space.
About the author
Ken Howard, LCSW, CST is a psychotherapist and AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist with over 30 years of experience
working almost exclusively with gay men. A former USC faculty member, he is also the host of
The Gay Therapy LA Podcast,
where he explores the psychology, relationships, and inner lives of gay men — and he brings that same depth
and practicality into his work with clients through therapy (CA) and coaching (worldwide) via telehealth.