Gay Men and How to Be a Better Lover

Gay Men and How to Be a Better Lover

In my work as an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist specializing in gay men as individuals, couples, and polycules, I recently had a client want to work with me on his very straightforward goal to “be a better lover,” or to be more sexually skilled, fulfilled, and fulfilling to his partner(s) in the bedroom.

It’s a simple request, and something that a sex therapist or coach can do, if they have the training and experience and overall aptitude for it.  It was important for this client to have someplace to bring his candid concerns to, and to have someone affirming to talk to about them.  Too often, I hear about even Certified Sex Therapists (which are actually kind of rare, given the total population of people with sexual concerns and challenges who need them) just not being: a) able; or b) willing, to really “go there” specifically with the sexual concerns of gay men.

Gay men’s sexuality is certainly still denigrated and stigmatized in society, as we hear about in the news constantly from the Right wing in politics. Even though our relationships and marriages can be respected by some, or even many, when it comes to gay men actually having sex, we see less overall public support and visibility, compared to straight sex depicted in movies, TV shows, and even television commercials!

But my clients complain to me that even with physicians, including some gay physicians, I hear about a sex-negative attitude.  Labeling gay men as “sex addicts,” which occurs disproportionately frequently, especially by straight psychotherapists but even some sex-negative (or just misinformed) gay ones! Being labeled, “porn addicts.”  Or, just having their sexuality ignored.  How many times I’ve heard guys who come to me for therapy or coaching with a sexual concern, and when I ask if they have spoken with a previous therapist or even their doctors, they say it “just never came up,” meaning that they didn’t feel comfortable bringing it up with that provider.  This can leave gay men feeling bad about themselves for being gay, or for the more specific sexual part of being gay.  The sexual stuff gets ignored, dismissed, or somehow discouraged, because of its vague negative associations in people’s heads with old homophobic tropes like “deviance” or “lewd conduct” or HIV/AIDS risk.

In the history of HIV/AIDS, which was a field I worked in for many years leading non-profit AIDS service programs in Los Angeles, even safer sex discussions from some corners of society were always laced with this, “Well, you know, you positive Diseased Pariahs shouldn’t be having sex anyway.”  And as “about 1987” antiquated as that sounds in terms of pure HIV ignorance, especially in this age of PrEP and “Undetectable equals Untransmissible,”  I’ve seen sentiments exactly like that in comments from gay men on Facebook only a few weeks ago, in 2024.

So, I’m very proud of my role – and asserting my role – as being a professional resource for gay men to bring their sexual concerns to.  And it’s not just always about Erectile Dysfunction, or Premature Ejaculation, or Mismatched Libidos, or Body Image issues, or Sexual Guilt, although I work with plenty of guys on those issues, but also about just how to improve your sexual style overall.

Gay icon Rita Moreno, from hit movies like “The King and I” and “West Side Story”, and the gay cult classic, “The Ritz,” has said on talk shows that her affair with Marlon Brando showed her “the greatest lover I ever had.”  Titillating as that sounds, to drop the name of one of the sexiest (and bisexual) male stars of Hollywood, I always wondered exactly what she was referring to.  What did Marlon do, in the bedroom, that made her label him “the great lover?”

We can only speculate, but knowing what we know of Marlon Brando, it was probably confident, bold, not-at-all-modest, and over-the-top.  He knew how to stimulate lovers – male and female – but I’m sure was cocky enough to make sure he was having a good time himself.

Everybody aspires to be the “good lover” in pleasing the partner we care about, whether it’s in a long-term relationship or just wanting to impress a casual hookup for a brief period of fun.  We also know how gay friends or roommates might talk about a bad lover, saying that a guy they dated or a hookup was “bad in bed.”  But what does that mean?  What kind of actions frustrate a lover, and what kind of actions satisfy them?  Sure, they might vary, but there are probably some common-denominator “building blocks” that might go into Being the Good Lover for Gay Men.  Let’s look at some of these, and think about how you fit in to each of them.  Where you’re lacking, well, that’s where the work is. Come talk to me.

1. Overcoming sexual shame about being gay

We have to first sweep out the last dust in our minds about having shame about being gay.  Hey, Nature is Nature.  It happens.  Some guys can’t stand this and rage at God or Fate or whatever, which is kind of a miserable existence, while others exalt in being “different.”  Do you think a four-leaf clover is “ashamed” because it doesn’t have three leaves like “all the others?”  No; it’s seen as “good luck” because it’s more rare.  If we can say that about clover, I think we can say that about men.

So we have to give ourselves permission, or “forgive” if we must, that we are gay instead of straight (and I don’t mean to erase bisexuals here; the state of being queer includes multiple scenarios around romantic and sexual orientation).

We have to affirm our own sexuality, in the words of Jerry Herman’s Broadway musical, “La Cage Aux Folles,” “I am what I am; and what I am, needs no excuses.”  And in the words of Bette Midler, “Ah, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.” No apologies or second-guessing or guilt needed.  Not your problem.  When you have the Adult Prerogative, and playing with another Consenting Adult, that’s all the “permission” you need.

2. Attending to our own sexual health and understanding the Six Principles of Sexual Health

We can’t be good lovers if we are not healthy lovers.  That doesn’t mean we have to be free of any kind of disability (I have several sexually-active gay male friends with Cerebral Palsy), or that we have to be HIV-negative (of course), but it does mean our self-care starts with us.  Are we aware that STI’s exist?  Do we know of a local resource where we might be tested somewhat regularly, like every three to six months?  Would we recognize the symptoms of an STI?  Are we are aware that some STI’s don’t show any symptoms, which is why we need to be screened regularly anyway?

Are we feeding ourselves reasonably healthy, to have energy in the bedroom (don’t skip all the carbs, fats or protein; we need those!).  Are we exercising enough to bring some cardiovascular fitness to the bedroom for stamina?

Are we attending to our mental health, such as not being distracted by the aftermath of trauma, or Depression, or Anxiety, or Insomnia, or other psychiatric obstacles that get in our way, like an OCD that leads to an obsession about something in sex?

And are we approaching sex from the perspectives of keeping all we do within the ranges of the Six Principles of Sexual Health, which were described by Michael Vigorito and Doug Braun-Harvey, two gay therapist colleagues of mine (who are brilliant) in their book, “Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior.”  I provided a blog article and podcast episode about The Six Principles of Sexual Health – as Applied to Gay Men, which dove a little deeper about those ideas for gay men.  They include: Consent, Non-Exploitation, Protection from HIV and STIs, Honesty, Shared Values, and Mutual Pleasure.

If you’re within those guidelines, you’re on much safer and clearer ground that your sex is reasonably free of neurotic components.  If not, we might need to take a closer look and see what changes would it take to make it be within those guidelines.

3. Distinguishing Between Sexual Expression vs. Self-Medicating Compulsions

Part of being the good lover is keeping our focus on sexual expression, expressing ourselves not the way we talk or sing or dance or work, but how we express sexual desires and energy with another.  And, is our sex a positive self-expression, or is it coming from a dull, empty “habit” or routine “compulsion” to just get off, perhaps even when you don’t really want to, but it’s better than feeling the anxiety, depression, or fear, or anger, or frustration that you’ve been feeling lately?  Sex is an expression; and while it can be rejuvenating and fun, it’s not the right “medicine for the job” if what you really need is treatment for anxiety or depression or OCD or anger or trauma.  This is where I actually do overlap with my “sex addiction” treatment zealot colleagues, because as someone else said, “it’s not about the sex,” it’s about something else going on that just gets funneled into sexual activity for lack of a better thing to do.  That’s not really fair to a sexual partner, and it’s not fair to you to be “all about the sex” when you might be suffering from a truly diagnosable psychiatric condition that needs its own treatment and attention.  That’s part of the “mutual pleasure” and “honesty” principles of sexual health; are both (or all) partners in a sexual situation there for basically the same reasons, or are they working at cross-purposes?

4. Balancing being Selfish and Generous in Sexual Play

To be the good lover, we have to be selfish enough to focus on pleasing ourselves, letting our own arousal be stimulated, having our own preferences and desires and fetishes met, so we are truly “into it,” but also being generous in getting off by seeing our partner(s) stimulated as a result of something that are doing.  Whether we are thrusting, or squeezing, or slapping, or kissing, or licking, or holding, or rubbing, or grabbing, or slapping, or tickling, or pressing or pulling; we are doing what we can in our repertoire of sexual skills to get a rise out of our partner in ways that turn us on as well, which may (or may not) lead to one or the other to orgasm, and that’s OK.  One thing of the many that sex therapists are trained to encourage clients is consider is that there are more ways to “legitimate” sex than the sex where there is “perfect” erectile functioning, that leads to mutual orgasm, that is perfectly timed, and so on.

When you’re in sexual situations, mentally shift – like you’re shifting your weight from one foot to the other when you’re standing – between being Selfish and naughtily indulgent, versus when you are being Generous.  And generous can mean gentle, slow, caressing, intimate, but it can also mean nailing your partner to the wall, vigorously giving of your considerable physical and mental energy, too.

5. Overcoming Body Insecurities

Being the good lover means leaving any “insecurities” about our bodies at the bedroom door.  Whether it’s too big, or too small, or funny-shaped, or whatever color, that doesn’t matter.  We’re over the threshold of the bedroom door, and whatever our body is, or is not, our partner(s) have (hopefully) already consenting that we’re “going there.”  No need to stop and do inventory in our minds that can get us “all up in our heads,” as I hear many guys say. We have to just trust while we might our ears are too big, well, maybe our partner likes that because it gives them something to hold onto!

If you’re having sex and you think, oh, boy, I’d love to take an inch off my waist, OK, fine, but that’s a conversation for your gym trainer or YouTube search for fitness gurus; that’s not relevant in the moment when you have better things to think about, like how you’re going to share arousal with your partner.

6. Overcoming Fetish Shame

I’ve provided a blog article and podcast episodes before about the role of kink and fetish in gay men’s sexuality, but we also have to put out of our minds any shame or hesitation we might think or feel about our interest (and love for) our favorite fetishes.  With a partner and it’s playtime, it’s not the time to debate whether your fetish is “weird” or not (and I’ll tell you now; it’s not).  Now in the bedroom is a time to explore not why it is, or how it is, but THAT it is, and it’s time to be playful with it (or at least to propose that to your partner).

Recently, two new guys started with me and very sheepishly started to discuss fetishes that I actually had not heard before.  And I was very glad that they felt comfortable enough to share those with me, when they hadn’t with previous therapists, and that they could educate me on the subculture they were a part of, which was new to me.  I reassured them, it’s rare (but it happened then) that I hear about something that I haven’t heard before, and also assured them that if they have that particular fetish, it’s a pretty safe bet that many – possibly thousands or millions of men worldwide – have the same kink.  It’s just not well known, because few people disclose their kinks, overall, to people who are not sex partners.  Maybe, maybe not.  But no matter how usual or unusual a kink may seem, if we can review the Six Principles of Sexual Health, and it passes muster with all of those, then it probably doesn’t need too much from there.  The Pope might not like the idea, but we don’t need to please the Pope, unless that’s really important to us.  All sex – including vanilla to kink – is a private, personal matter.

I work with so many survivors of sexual abuse, sexual assault, and physical abuse, that body autonomy and control of who is allowed to touch us, when, and how, and for how long, is of paramount personal importance. That is our Adult Prerogative to control; and not our peers, society, the Pope, abusers, or whoever; it is ours.

Now, does that mean that bodily autonomy means that we can refuse treatment for an STI and just infect others recklessly?  No, because that’s a public health issue, and that doesn’t pass muster with the Six Principles of Sexual Health.  That’s different.  But who, and how we express ourselves sexually – even in kink – is our decision to make.

7. Experimenting with Creativity, Playfulness and Response in Ourselves, Others

Being the good lover involves challenging ourselves to think creatively.  See what comes naturally as an impulse to try.  Be spontaneous.  Be playful.  Be open to letting others be playful with us.  Let yourself say, “what if?” in the moment and see what feels good or stimulating or odd or exciting.  Try some things on a partner that a previous partner did on, or for, or to you that you found exciting, and they might feel that way, too, and learn something.  Experimenting and being improvisationally playful and creative can help us unlock new experiences that might become among our favorite sexual expressions.

8. Releasing Inhibitions

We reviewed about affirming our gay identity and ridding our fetish shame, but there is another place for releasing inhibitions.  Not all inhibitions are bad – you want to refrain from seriously hurting a partner or doing something they don’t consent to – but inhibitions often keep us from having as good a time sexually as we could have, had we let go a little more.  What’s labeled “good sex” or the “good lover” is often synonymous with the uninhibited.

9. Creating Sport Sex vs. Intimacy, Getting Partner Needs vs. Purely Sexual Needs Met

The Sexual Health Principle of mutual pleasure also includes a clear understanding of how we are relating to a sex partner.  Is this part of sexual expression as an extension of an existing emotional, romantic, domestic relationship with a partner or spouse, or is this a trick, and it’s just about a no-strings-attached hookup?  What’s the expectation of what this is, and what’s next?  I wrote before about the “benefits of the casual hookup,” because while we often hear about casual hookups being hollow, or shallow, or unfulfilling, all the gay apps worldwide, by the millions, attest that hookups actually have significant value in gay men’s lives.  And we don’t need to feel conflicted about that, because men (gay and straight) tend to be clear about having two “tracks” mentally/emotionally and physically.  We can overall separate love from sex easier than women can, with lots of exceptions.  For men, especially gay men, both the emotional/romantic/domestic needs and the purely sexual needs need their own attention; often, it’s in the form of the same person, and often it’s not.

10. Troubleshooting Psychological and Medical Obstacles

Being the good lover means that we get support for our sexual confidence by clearing the way from any psychological or medical obstacles to good sex.  If we are survivors of sexual abuse or assault or trauma, we need healing and support for that, because sex means something a little different for survivors than for non-survivors, because we know that sometimes the same sexual acts that were part of a devastating, violent crime, also can be the same sexual “mechanics” that partners can use during consensual sex, such oral or anal intercourse.  The context, and the meaning changes.  We need to get the help we need to resolve those issues, including possibly PTSD symptoms or triggers, before we can be at our best sexually.

We also need to work within any kind of medical circumstances.  What sex means for a gay man who has had prostate cancer surgery might be different from a guy who hasn’t.  What sex means for a guy with a naturally high libido, or an exceptional level of erectile functioning, might be different from someone with a naturally lower libido and possible ED or other “dysfunction,” which a recent colleague said was really the wrong word for describing those situations; it’s more “sexual expression variation.”  What sex means when we’re recovering from surgery, or recovering from a joint replacement, or working with a body that has been altered by injury or disability, all might vary from person to person, but we build our sexual repertoire based on what we can do, and we like, and what our partners like.  The rest just stays out of the bedroom.

11. Overcoming Social/Peer Obstacles

Just like we overcame our neuroses about being gay, or being inhibited about kink or fetishes, we also have to overcome this pervasive social pressure to do, or not do, something in our sex lives as gay men.  The pressure to have as much sex as our peers like to brag about, or to do what they do, are pressures we don’t need.  And we mentioned the social pressure “not” to do something; not to have gay sex at all, not to have “that kind” of gay sex, not to have “too much” sex (as defined by someone else?? WTF?).  The Good Lover ignores those social pressures and gives permission to themselves to proceed at will.

12. Self-Validating Our Sexuality through the Lifespan

The Good Lover is also “good” in the context of where they are in the lifespan.  Someone very new to sex, or to gay sex, might have a different concept of how they see themselves as the Idealized Lover than someone more experienced.  How we define “good sex” when we are in our 20s might, or might not, carry over to what we consider “good sex” in our 50s and 60s; sex has a developmental component to it throughout the lifespan.  We might try things later that for whatever reason we didn’t try before.  We might jettison some activities when we’re older because they just don’t satisfy or serve us the way they used to.

Being the Good Lover is in the context of who we are, at whatever age or whatever condition we find ourselves.

13. Advocating and Defending Our Right to Sexuality Itself Against Oppression

We can only be the Good Lover and enjoy our partners being one as well if we live in a context of sexual affirmation.  Older gay men like me have been around to see lots of socio-political changes.  I was a child during Stonewall, in 1969, and don’t remember hearing anything about it, but I was a young man at the March on Washington in 1993, and the local gay rights protests in Los Angeles in 1990s, and the march against Prop 8 in 2008, and so on.  The election year of 2024, as I write this, is rife and volatile with anti-LGBT (mostly anti-trans, but still some anti-gay) with countless proposed (or passed!) bills about oppressing our community, perhaps one of the worst is “Don’t Say Gay” in Florida, or the movement to erase our existence from all mention in K-12 education, nationwide, or to ban gay men “wearing a costume” if it’s drag on a stage.  I wish I had better news, but one that I’ve noticed in well over 40 years of being an adult and paying attention to these issues is that gay men are constantly on the defensive – from Republicans and religious bigots and other forces, worldwide, and then, lately, from inside our own community, who dare (quite offensively, I’d say) to purport that “gay White men” are part of the problem.  Tell that to the half a million gay men in American who died of AIDS but also of prejudice, bigotry, inaction, and hate.  No, not “part of the problem.”
Gay men can’t have sex without it being a political statement, because in many/most corners of the world, it either IS, or has been in the past, illegal.  Some countries like Uganda and Ghana have re-invigorated (with White American Evangelicals’ influence) “Kill the Gays” laws.

When straight people have sex, it’s not political; when gay men have sex, it’s political.  When it all should be private, and fun, and rewarding.

Part of being the Good Lover is focusing on that.  And however your manifest the Good Lover in you, repeat: “I am what I am, and what I am, needs no excuses.”

 

If you’re interested in overcoming obstacles and getting support for your own, individualized approach to becoming the Good Lover, consider therapy (in California), or coaching (anywhere) services.  For more information, email Ken@GayTherapyLA.com, Ken@GayCoachingLA.com, or call/text 310-339-5778. 

Ken Howard, LCSW, CST is the most experienced gay men’s specialist psychotherapist in the United States today (licensed in California), as well as a life/career/relationship/executive coach for gay men worldwide.  With over 30 years experience working almost exclusively with gay men as individuals, couples, and polycules, he is also an AASECT Certifed Sex Therapist, a retired Adjunct Associate Professor from the Suzanne Dworak-Peck School of Social Work at the University of Southern California, and is a Certified Psychiatric Social Worker with an additional year-long certification in Consensual Non-Monogamy and Polyamorous Families from Sexual Health Alliance.  He is a member of Kink-Aware Therapists and the Secular Therapy Project.  He is the host of the podcast, “Gay Therapy LA with Ken Howard, LCSW, CST,” and is the author of the books, Self-Empowerment: Have the Life You Want! and Positive Outlook: Collected Essays for Successfully Living HIV Today.  He is the librettist/composer/lyricist for the gay-themed musical, “On the Boulevard,” an LGBT-take on George Bernard Shaw’s “Pygmalion,” (from which “My Fair Lady” was adapted) available on Spotify, Apple Music, and YouTube.